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Due soon- please help! Im so scared :(

(27 Posts)
MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 11:33:58

Hi,
I'm in a very difficult position at the moment and I'm not sure where to turn or what to do.
I'm due to give birth very soon to a little boy and I'm not 100% sure about who his father is.

It's a slightly complicated situation Im in, so, please bear with me. I have been with my husband for three years and we TTC many times resulting in several miscarriages and a stillbirth. Before I found out I was pregnant, we seperated as everything just seemed to of took its toll on us both and I needed some space to grieve and so did my husband. It was a very hard time and during our separation, I stupidly met someone else and slept with him.

Anyway, forward a week or two, me and my OH had some serious talking to do and we decided to get back together. We love one another and blaming each other and taking it out on each other about what had happened was wrong of us both and we knew we really needed each other. A week or so later, I missed my period. I was so elated and ran off to buy a test. It came back positive, I told my OH and we were absolutely over the moon. We had our twelve week scan and it was real;ly only then that this sudden , horrible realization sunk in that in fact, this wonderful little baby may not in fact be my OH.

Now, Im so close to giving birth (gone slightly over due) and Im petrified. I've never told him this possibility because of all what had happened before. I could never find the words or bring myself to tell him. All I wanted was to have a family with my husband and I'm so scared I know how wrong I've been and I've dealt with it the wrong way. He's so happy and he'd be the worlds best Dad.
I'm so scared of giving birth to my little boy and seeing him in case I dont see any of my OH in him. Its like I dont want to meet my baby which is a horrendous feeling.
I really feel at a loss. I don't know where to turn. My OH is my best friend and he's the one person I cant talk to about this. I've discussed it with my midwife but she just said ''Ill just know'' when the babys born which wasnt much help really.

I feel like I've right royally messed everything up. I wish we'd never broken up and I'd been so bloody stupid but obviously there's nothing I can do about that now. What's done is done. I just don't want to break my OH heart and I feel that no matter WHAT I do, I'm going to hurt him. I want what's best for my family and right now, I dont know what that is. I feel like Im a terrible wife and Im going to be a horrible Mother and my little boy deserves better than this

I'm not sure if the pregnancy hormones are making everything seem a lot worse and making it harder to think straight about everything.

Please, Im not looking for criticism. I already beat myself up enough about the whole thing as it is, believe me. I just need some help and advice. All I wanted was a baby and a family with my OH and now the little guy is nearly here, Im dreading it when I should be so so happy that Im going to be a Mummy

newbie6 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:31:02

Hi

Couldn't read this and not reply. Firstly, congratulations on being pregnant and I feel for you so much. This must be really difficult for you but I will try and offer my thoughts in the hope they might help.

Firstly, you are your baby's mum and always will be, your baby will love you unconditionally and vice versa and you sound like a good person to me who under very difficult circumstances did what probably lots of other people may do - you cannot always control what happens to you in life all the time and given everything you and your husband had gone through, I certainly don't think any less of you in terms of what happened when you were on a break with your husband. The important thing was that you and your husband talked and managed to see a way to get back together and that is lovely, for all you know he may have done something similar and is not telling you for the same reasons you are not telling him. Even if he didn't, what is done is done and you can't change that.

Secondly, the most important factor here is this baby will be brought into your world with a mum and a dad who love them and also, who love each other. There are so many babies born to parents who don't love each other and who don't give them the best start to life so congratulate yourself that you and your husband are going to adore this wee bundle of joy and vice versa!

Of course, there is the moral dilemma however that is something only you can decide to either tell your husband about or not but what I would say is think about the possible outcome of that action - who will it benefit and who will it hurt? Will your baby be any less loved? Will you feel differently about your baby because you are unsure of who their father is? Do you still have contact with the other man? I cannot believe that this must happen a lot and there must be lots of women in similar situations, I am not saying it is the right thing to do but I just feel you are being very genuine and I just wonder if you tell your husband your fears, you are maybe opening up a can of worms that will cause a huge amount of hurt.

I guess the only way you would know would be some sort of paternity/DNA test but at the end of the day maybe consider the bigger picture, you sound like you really love your husband, you know you made a mistake sleeping with this other man and you sound like you love your baby but this 'mistake' is not allowing you to be truly happy so my advice would be to concentrate on what you can do and what you do have which is a loving husband who is going to love you and your baby and together you will be a happy family with the ups and the downs that come with that. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, what is important is you and your baby and hopefully making your family work. If you feel the only way you can do that is to tell your husband then do so but please make sure you have support, otherwise I think concentrate on what you can do and I wish you all a very happy life.

x

RooneyMara Wed 28-Nov-12 12:41:04

Hello,

I'm so sorry for you. I had a friend who was pregnant a long time ago and there was a small chance that the father was someone else - going by what happened, it was only a very small chance, but she obsessed over it like crazy. Both men knew about it which made it even worse and both were rather cross about it the whole way through.

As far as I remember, she asked if they could do anything before it was born to determine its parentage and they said no, only after. She ended up having a DNA test when the baby was a few weeks old. It was very formal - had to be done through the GP and a government regulated lab, though I'm sure these days things have changed and it's easier and cheaper to arrange - in her case it involved child maintenance and so on though so had to be properly regulated.

Anyway it was as it turned out, the 'proper' father, not the small chance one - and she was massively relieved. I remember her really not knowing though from what the baby looked like - yes, it did resemble the father but it could have been the other at a push.

I imagine you are going through hell, and going crazy looking at your scan pictures to try and figure it out, but please try not to panic - there's every chance it's your partner's, and even if it isn't, you'll love the baby just the same.

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 12:57:45

To be honest, I never imagined in a million years I'd ever be in a situation like this. If it wasn't happening to me, I'd find it so easy to come to a conclusion about what to do but when it's actually happening in your life, it's so difficult.
I just want to give my baby a loving home and be a good wife. I feel that no matter what I do, I'm failing at both.
I know there's the chance he IS my husbands and Im worrying over nothing but, still, there's that niggle at the back of my mind all the time that this baby could not be my husbands.
It's making me feel scared to meet my baby like I say which is just horrible. It's like I daren't see him in case I see a resemblance to the other man.I feel there's enough stress being pregnant without all this. Its my first baby so Im not sure if Im just over thinking things about seeing my baby for the first time etc.
All I want is for my husband to be happy and for my baby to having a loving home. I no longer have contact with the other man. When I first found out I was pregnant, I did tell him. I panicked anyway a short while after and just made my apologies and told him I had my dates wrong. sad
I've never met anyone in the same situation as me so I feel very lonely and as if Im the only person in the world that this has happened to/happening to.
I grew up without my father as he left when I was a baby and my step dad raised me as his own so I know the importance of having a father. I just want to do what's right by my child and I dont know what that is anymore sad xxx

newby2 Wed 28-Nov-12 13:28:48

Meepmeep,

You've just deleted my message which I understand but you aren't putting things into perspective. Life doesn't happen in black and white. You didn't mean for this to happen and you aren't the first and won't be the last!

This isn't the time to deal with this. I really think you should see your GP or some-one whom you can talk to. The more you convince yourself you won't be able to love this baby, the harder it will be.

This baby is about to arrive and it will have the best parents it could ever want. You will have to halt this negative cycle and do what's right for the baby and provide a loving home.

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 13:32:37

Hey, I didnt delete your message hun.
There's been something up with mumsnet on my end. It's still showing me its still there?
xxx

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 13:33:35

Newby2, can you try posting it again please? It comes up its there but I cant view it? xx

lookingfoxy Wed 28-Nov-12 13:56:17

Honestly and I will get flamed for this but its just my opinion:

You and your DH are having a much longed for child, end of.

Can you live with keeping this to yourself, if you can then thats what I would do in your position.

Im off to hide now before I get a virtual ass kicking.

newby2 Wed 28-Nov-12 14:17:51

Sorry Meep, crap with computers, can't get it back. To be honest, I said the same as Lookingfoxy wrapped up a little fluffier. I would consider myself an upright and good person just as you are.

Looking practically- there is no reason for your husband to question the circumstances and IF he ever did he will have been Daddy for so long that the questioning would be too painful anyway so unlikely to happen.

You have GOT to stop beating yourself up. You will need to be strong and put this other man out of your mind. He would have been a crap father and you deserve this little angel sent to you (albeit in an unconventional style) so much. You have the family you've always wanted. Lots of people adopt and love the baby as if it's their own and this may have kept your marriage together- you never know. There is NOTHING to say that this baby isn't your husband's and I'm willing to bet he will be a very special little boy. He was MEANT to be for you. You can't put his happiness second because you had just one night with another man. Chances are VERY slim.

It WILL be the best thing that's ever happened to you and your husband. It doesn't matter who the genetic father is (unlikely to be this other bloke) your DH will always be his Daddy. In this day and age that's a rare trait- a man who wants to be a good father. And you have given him the chance of this which ever way it happened.

I'm afraid I'm going to kick your butt and tell you to pull yourself together as much as you can until this ever has to be addressed again. The most important thing now is your little family and the most wonderful DH and Daddy to your impending little angel.xxxx

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 14:28:47

Thanks guys.
I dunno sometimes if its just hormones running away with me too and Im over thinking things etc. My OH will be a great Dad and I dont want to take that from him or a fab Daddy away from my boy.
Im just going to try and forget about it for now because all Ive done is mope about depressed since Ive gone on maternity. Maybe Ive had more time to think about it being at home more and dwelling.
Im just scared he wont look like my OH and people will notice. Maybe Im just being paranoid? :/ I guess all newborns look the same afterall. xx

newbie6 Wed 28-Nov-12 14:37:57

hello

if its any consolation, all my friends/family who have recently had babies - I didn't think their babies looked anything like either of them! The baby looked like themselves just as yours will. You are a good person with a good heart, don't let this spoil such a precious time in both yours and your husbands lives. THE most important thing is that you and your husband will love that baby and your baby will love you - fact!

xxx

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 15:03:30

This pregnancy's pretty hard as it is. I feel like Im just waiting for something bad to happen all the time.
I just cant imagine going into the delivery room and having my little boy and everything being ok. He's perfectly healthy at the moment, midwife says all's well but Im just so pessimistic. :/ Maybe Ill feel better when he's actually here? :/
I've just always wanted to be a Mummy so much and now he's on the way, Im not enjoying it at all. I feel some days like I dont even want him or I wish Id had an abortion and then I feel TERRIBLE for even thinking such things. Im scared because Ive thought about it, I'll lose him. I feel like Im cracking up and Im not sure if all these thoughts are normal? I just sooo dont feel ready to meet this baby and Im petrified xxx

lookingfoxy Wed 28-Nov-12 15:40:21

You do sound very anxious, is it the parentage or is it because of the miscarriages/still birth?
After what you've been through with your losses I think its perfectly understandable to feel as if your waiting for something bad to happen until you've delivered and have a healthy screaming baby in your arms.
I would think if you still feel so bad a week or so after the birth getting the baby blues out the road then please speak to your midwife or GP and get some help that plenty of women need after birth.
Now try and focus on the positives and the future with your husband and child and how great it WILL be.

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 15:47:33

Yeah, I know the hormones wont be helping 'cos Im crying at the drop of a hat about everything and just feel so frustrated. Im very nervous about the labour too. The thought of having any drugs scares me in case I dont know what Im on about and I start saying all this to my partner in the delivery room.
I just wish this pregnancy was more straightforward.
Im just keeping my fingers crossed I feel better when he;s here and I dont end up having problems bonding or get post natal depression 'cos atm, I feel very depressed and miserable about it all. I felt fine until I hot like 30 weeks and then BOOM. Reality seemed to hit and now Im freaking out about everything. xx

newby2 Wed 28-Nov-12 15:53:40

You're over-due and that gives most women far too much worrying time. No point in worrying about things you have no control over.

You need to get out and see friends, have a pedicure and get yourself ready for labour. It will focus your mind I promise you! Then you wont have time to or definitely won't look back. Your baby won't look like either of you as the ladies say so don't worry about it. You'll find traces of your OH in your baby even so.

Your hormones are all over the place but it's time to bond with your baby- talk to him, play him your favourite music and generally try to dampen the anxiety. It's not good for you or your little boy.

Get the baby name book out, go through the baby clothes. Your delivery will be fine, try to be positive. this may be the only time you get to do this so ENJOY it!!

Start reading threads of ladies who have had wonderful experiences. I was resuscitated twice when I had my first baby and am still here to tell the tale- about to drop any time too so know how you feel.

have been sat on my backside all day pampering myself. Shame you probably don't live nearby- could have come over and painted my toe nails which I now can't reach!!xx

JustForAWhile Wed 28-Nov-12 15:55:15

Right, I hope my name change has worked for this.

When I fell pregnant with my dd there was a very very slim chance that my bf at the time was not her father. (I had sex with somebody else 3 days before we got together, unprotected, we got together, 4 weeks later I find out I'm pregnant).

In this situation I could see 2 possibilities. Tell him that he may not be her father and risk losing him. Or I could keep schtum and he wouldn't be any the wiser. I chose the latter. We later went on to get married and have another ds. We divorced 3 years ago. But I will never tell him or anyone else of that tiny doubt. No good can come of it as far as I see. My dd has 2 loving parents and that's all that matters.

I know this will probably get me flamed hence the name change. But I don't see that much good could come from telling your DH. If you can manage to keep it to yourself without it causing you problems I would think that'd be the best option.

Please don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes.

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 16:00:48

I havent been able to think clearly lately and Ive just been sat in worrying alot.

Im really scared about the delivery 'cos I dont know what to expect and I keep scaring myself reading about stillbirth and stuff :/ I just wish I could get it all out the way with and have him here. I think all the worrying is the unknown factor of it all.
Ive never met this little person and it scares me to think soon everythings gonna change. Maybe when its all over and he's here Ill feel differently about it all. Hopefully anyway! xx

newby2 Wed 28-Nov-12 16:14:21

Justforawhile- Thats exactly what I would have done, no flaming here.

Meep- you HAVE to at least try and pull yourself out of the dolldrums. I know it's easy for me to say that but I have the same hormones and worries believ me.

Now is the time to develop some coping strategies and quickly because you'll fall apart before the baby's actually here and they take a fair amount of energy!!

I want to see some positive comments MEEP!!!

MEEPMEEP1989 Wed 28-Nov-12 16:28:08

Thanks guys, and Justforawhile, thanks for commenting. I feel better Im not the only one in the world whos had this situation. My best friend knows the situation but Ive known her since we were babies ourselves and Id trust her with my life. She says its best to let sleeping dogs lie and put the situation to bed. She said my OH is his Daddy and to just remember that.
Dont you look at your little one Justforawhile and wonder if your ex IS their Dad?
I reckon Im just a natural born worrier. lol. I was even worst in first trimester, my midwife got sick of my calling her every two seconds lol.
Im just gonna have to pull myself together and man up as it were! lol. Im gonna be a Mum so theres no room for worrying smile
I cant help but feeling bad for wishing Id had an abortion and that I dont love/want him etc. I feel so guilty and selfish for it even crossing my mind. I thought now I was so close to having him Id be excited but I just feel scared and anxious and like I wish things were back to how they were. Obviously I want my little one but these thoughts just pop in my head? Im not sure if its normal first time Mummy feeiings? xx

MyLastDuchess Wed 28-Nov-12 16:55:48

I didn't feel like that with my first Meep, but I did with my second (she was just born on Monday). I was so worried that she might not survive. Of course there is always that chance when you give birth but I had a healthy pregnancy and no problems so had no real reason to worry. It is quite normal for some women to worry a lot, and others not to worry at all.

The bad news is the worry doesn't stop when they're born ... And my in-laws assure me that they still worry about my DP who is 37 smile. It's all part of being a parent.

The myth of becoming a mother is that you will be excited all through pregnancy, fall in love the moment they are born, and never look back. That is the case for some women, but for plenty of us it's not. When my son was born (DC1) I though he was very nice, cute baby and all that, but I wasn't head-over-heels yet. It took me a few weeks I think. With my sister's first it took her several months (she had a long struggle to conceive and it took her a while to truly believe that her baby was here to stay!). It's all within the range of normal, so try not to overthink that part.

I don't have any specific advice about your main problem but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that this has happened, it must be so stressful. It doesn't make you a bad person. Life can be messy and it's tempting to try to find places to lay blame when things get rough, but you are NOT to blame. You are not perfect and neither is your DH. For now I think your best bet is to focus on preparing for giving birth - which can be a big job in itself! - and try not to worry too much about your feelings about loving/bonding with your baby. I absolutely did not bond with my son during pregnancy (I was as sick as a dog, I just wanted it to be over) and now he is the love of my life. I don't feel the same about my newborn daughter yet, but I know it will come. It will happen when it happens smile

Do you feel able to talk to your GP or midwife about this? Having a sympathetic ear to reassure you that you are far from being the only person in your situation and to help you to take one thing at a time - first give birth, then focus on the rest - could be a big help.

AllBellyandBoobs Wed 28-Nov-12 17:15:02

I'm sorry you're in this position, it must be awful. However, I can't believe people are suggesting it's okay to deceive your dh. I understand the reasoning but it is so unfair on him to not know. Is there anyway you can find out paternity without him knowing and if he isn't the biological father you could tell him them?

newby2 Wed 28-Nov-12 19:05:50

The poor girl is struggling to keep her head above water!! What good is disclosure going to do right now??

MEEP- we've all said it's about getting your head together and trying to reduce your anxiety levels. It will make for a better birth.

xx

cupcake78 Wed 28-Nov-12 19:30:59

Your dh is already the baby's father IMO. He's seen you through this pregnancy, your baby will already recognise his voice and he loves the baby and you. You sound like you have a great future together ahead of you with you new dc!

Dc don't need to look like their parents. Infact many don't. Look at families with adopted children, nobody questions the child's looks or the parents devotion to the child purely on the grounds of genetics.

You know your dh and you can get pregnant because you've done it before so that is never going to be questioned. Telling him would be just cruel, it's probably not the case and you'd run the risk of destroying your family and all for the unlikely outcome that your baby was made from another random man who you've had nothing to do with since the event.

Your baby will be just perfect and will be a little person in its own right. As a parent you are their to guide and nurture your child not reproduce a mini you or mini dh.

It will all be just fine, your priorities are your families future happiness together and doing your best to protect your dc from harm and heartache! wink

MEEPMEEP1989 Thu 29-Nov-12 10:06:28

Im just worrying about saying something during labour. :/ You know like with the drugs? Everything about labour scares me. I hadnt really thought much about it but now its getting closer it seems so real now more so than it did say ten weeks ago.
Im glad how Im feeling's normal. I can't talk to my OH about it because it'd upset him so much if I said I didnt feel like I loved our baby yet. I know he'd try to get it but he wouldnt understand. Im not sure I even do! LOL.
I just hear everyone talk about how THEIR pregnancies were and I think, I dont feel like that. I feel I should love my baby already but I just don't. :/ Its hard to explain. Im happy we're having a baby obviously but I feel more scared of the little guy than I do love for him at the moment (crazy I know).
xxxx

Shellywelly1973 Thu 29-Nov-12 10:39:33

I wasn't going to post on your thread as i felt i hadn't any advice to add but your latest post changed my mind.

I've had 5 babies, i was very young when i had my first ds. I adored ds from the second i knew about him. When he was born, i felt a rush of love, that never faded...24 years later!

With my subsequent planned pregnancies, i can honestly say i felt like you whilst pregnant. With dc2, i took ages to bond with her, yet she was planned.

When i was pregnant with my last dc, i had serious worries over my indifference to the pregnancy. I got to 40+2 and i never wanted to go into labour, just stay pregnant! He was born & i fell in love with him straight away.

I have never met a mother who wasn't concerned about going into labour. When i was having 5th dc, everyone kept saying, i shouldn't be worried as i knew all about it...Yeah, exactly! I was shitting myself!! It is totally normal that your scared of going into labour. You've been through a lot & that will be influencing how you feel as labour approaches.

My main concern for you is the anxiety your feeling, some how you need to try to reduce your anxiety/stress levels. I used hypno birthing CD's whilst pregnant with 4th dc and it did help. Deep breathing and resting. Long bubbly baths, meeting up with friends, facial, massage etc... whatever it takes to reduce your stress! Be kind to yourself.

Finally with regards to the childs' paternity. That is something you can't alter now. For many years, men have raised children, they didn't father. Biology is small in the scheme of parenting. My best friend had a baby a few months ago by doner, her DH cant have children. That man adores HIS daughter. They decided not to make it public, that the baby isn't his biologically. The 'paternal' grandmother insists the baby is spitting image of her dad, people see what they want to see. Your DH might be the dad, please, don't waste any more of your energy worrying, it won't change a thing.

Take care of yourself.Sorry this ended up so long!! x

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