Would you like to be on Mumsnet's research panel? We're especially keen for parents-to-be and new parents to join. You can sign up here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive on offer for your views.

unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do.....

(6 Posts)
lemoncookie Wed 03-Oct-12 15:49:22

I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant, and this was totally unplanned and bad timing. I'm about 2 weeks pregnant. I have an appointment tomorrow to find out for sure how far I am.

Background: I've been dating DP for 5 months. I genuinely love and care for him. He already has a 3 yr old DS to his XP and has to travel 1 hour to pick him up. I live even farther away from his son. The reason he's living in this area is because of his son. His family lives 5 hours away. Prior to yesterday, we've talked about marriage and children. I already made plans to spend the Christmas holiday with his family and son. We made these plans a couple months ago. We're very sure we want to be together. We have plans to travel, marry, etc.

When I told him yesterday that I was pregnant (via phone), his immediate response was that he would 100% support whatever choice I make. Later, when he came to my house, I asked him his preference. He told me he wanted me to get an abortion. He feels like our timing is completely off. He made the point about how our living situations don't coincide right now, he has to worry about being close to his 3-year-old son, and that we don?t have family support. As I said, his family lives 5 hours away, and I was raised by my grandparents who are too elderly to watch a baby (we both hold full time jobs). He pointed out that we had plans to travel, marry, etc. I agree with all that.

DP doesn't see anything inherently wrong with abortion being that I'm only 2 weeks. He said he sees it as a mass of cells and not a child at this point.

I agree that the timing couldn't be more awful. I wanted to marry and make his son my stepson. I wanted to build a life together and have children later. The thought of having a child right now terrifies me.

I can't help seeing the pregnancy as a child, though. I feel like an abortion would be wrong. I don't know how I could ever feel like I deserve another child if I would abort this one.

I'm really struggling, though, because the last thing I want to do is bring an unwanted child into the world. I know he doesn't want this baby at this point in our relationship. I grew up without a father. I don't want to force him into a situation he doesn't want to be in. Plus, our relationship is so new. I know this is legally my choice, but I feel he should have a say in this, too. He keeps telling me over and over that he will support my decision. I just don't know what to do.

CakeBump Wed 03-Oct-12 15:57:11

I think you really have to do what YOU think is right on this one.

So, the timing could have been better... but if you know you wanted to marry and have children eventually, maybe you'll both get used to the idea that it will happen, but the other way around ie kids first.

I would give him a bit of time to get his head around the idea of the pregnancy, and maybe talk again about it in a couple of weeks. Its difficult to see someone's reaction over the phone and from now on I would say stick to face-to-face conversations.

However, fundamentally if he is convinced you should have an abortion, and you don't want to, you shouldn't be pressurised into conforming with his wishes - however you should prepare for the idea that you might be bringing up the baby alone.

You have time yet, and so does he. I wouldn't make any any hasty decisions.

Rockchick1984 Thu 04-Oct-12 08:38:41

Me and DH (then DP) had been together 6 months when we found out I was pregnant. Similarly, had discussed marriage etc but were thinking of it being a few years away still. When we found out, he promised to support me no matter what decision I made - he would prefer to keep the baby, I was initially leaning towards abortion.

After thinking long and hard, we decided that as we were planning everything eventually anyway, the timing would never be perfect so we would go ahead with the pregnancy. He proposed the day after we decided this and got married when I was 4 months pregnant (and not obviously showing!) grin

Our son is now 18 months old, and I can't imagine having done anything differently. It was the best decision for me and DH to continue our pregnancy, I know things could have gone the other way - friends and family were concerned that we had not been together long but we knew already that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. It's not always been easy admittedly, but it's been so completely worth it!

I wanted to tell you this so you could see its possible for it to have a happy ending. Sadly you can look on mumsnet and read tons of other stories where it hasn't, and a woman has been left while pregnant by a man unwilling to be a dad. Ultimately, you need to decide which would be harder to live with - the risk of being a single parent, or the risk of regretting an abortion for the rest of your life (as you clearly sound like you would regret it). Good luck with your decision! smile

SoHHKB Thu 04-Oct-12 13:49:34

To add to the 'good news' stories, I met my partner on an internet dating site and it was all very casual, although we got on well and could see it going somewhere eventually. Fast forward 8 months and I'm 6 months pregnant so we've moved in together and I'm really happy that we decided to give it a go.
When I first found out, he was away so although the decision to be involved was his, I felt it was my decision whether to continue the pregnancy. It was a massive shock I had a copper coil but I love being a mum and I felt the 'known unknowns' of being a parent outweighed the 'unknown unknowns' of having a potentially emotionally traumatic abortion. I'm not anti-abortion at all - that was just my thought process for my situation at that point in time.
So despite being not quite divorced and in the process of complicated custody negotiations with my exh, I know I have lots of good friends locally and, although further away, family who are good at telephone emotional support so I will cope. My fantastically supportive partner is just a huge bonus smile
Good luck and make the decision that is right for you.

Me and my boyfriend were together for only 3weekish when i fell pregnant... I didn't think once about abortion but for me abortion isnt an option. We grew closer and closer, but my baby boy was born asleep in April... since then I miscarried at 7weeks in august. We've been together for a year next week and stronger than ever smile.

Youve got to make the decision on your own. I know you want your boyfriend to have a say but the decision will be affecting your body. Do you know what ypu want to do?

twilight81 Thu 04-Oct-12 18:10:44

We were together a month when I fell pregnant.... I was 21, still living at home with my dad and looking back the timing was awful! BUT here we are 10 years later still very happy with two children!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now