Mumsnet Talk

..at least as far as ExP is concerned.

I've had a few goes at potty training with DS 2.9 and he's usually good at it for a day and then it goes pear-shaped. I just feel he isn't ready and he will do it in his own time.

However ex has taken it upon himself to begin training - no discussion or anything. I was just told yesterday when he dropped DS back home that he's in pants now and everytime he does a pee in potty to give him a present like they (ExP, NP, MIL) did today and all will be well forevermore .

Attempted to explain that in my humble opinion (I am RP 5 days out of 7) DS wasn't ready and "presents" could get complicated.

He pretty much said f-off and that he'd do what he likes, it would take a few days and he had the right to do so if he wished.

DS now gone to stay with ExP for 2 nights.

I'm fuming at the arrogance and can't get past it!!!!

to be fair, he is his parent and has as much say on potty training as you do surely?

if you wanted to potty train and he didn't what would you be saying about him?

If he is prepared to have cr*p on the carpet then let him. Your DS may well be ready. Let him try for two days and see how it goes for a week when he comes back. If you get end up with loads of wee and cr*p on the carpet then put him in pulll ups.

I can see why you're so cross, but I can also see a whacking great silver lining here - that it might work. You've clearly done some training, else you wouldn't know how he gets on with you. If he is trained (by bribery) and becomes reliably dry those days, he'll find it so much easier to continue with some successes under his belt.

You're clearly not going to be able to stop exP from doing what he does, so once your anger is vented, the best thing is to accept you can't change it and take the benefit from it in this case.

This of course won't help next time you have a parenting issue where you differ. Is that part of what worries you at the moment?

edith is right,
if your ex can get him dry while he is with him that's a good thing.

why not work with him on this? maybe compromise if you can? so no presents for getting it right (short of a chocolate button or something perhaps) but a willingness to give it a try.

He has put DS back in nappy immediately (in the hallway in my house) on one previous occasion when he came to pick him and I was attempting to potty train.

And exMIL put nappies back on another occasion after DS peed on the floor.

Am getting no support from them.

Thanks for your replies.

EdithWeston - yes there is a silver lining of course.

thisis yesterday - But if I say he isn't ready - why go against it? I've tried myself recently and DS was holding pee in rather than sit on potty. EI did attempt to tell ExP at the time where DS was at with it but he said he didn't want to listen! ExP could just co-operate with me as I have more experience on this.

I also feel that ExP is backed up by NP and family and is throwing his weight around because he can. We disagree about almost every parenting issue and I have no-one to back me up or take my part.

He has told me to stop co-sleeping with DS because it means DS gets up in night at his house and disturbs others when DS won't go back to bed without a fuss.

if he can hold it in rather than sit on the potty then he has control over it and can be toilet trained

all i am saying (and playing devils advocate here a bit too) is why do you get to make all the decisions?
do you expect his father to do everything as you say all the time?

To be fair, my ds held wee in for hours rather than use the potty at first, but when he realised that he wasn't going to get a nappy too wee in, he used the potty. I don't personally agree with giving presents for wees, I don't think you need to really.
It's shit though when you spllit up and you lose control of part of your young child's life though, I completely agree, but it's probably better for your own mental health to try and just think 'fuck it' unless it's something really serious. Also important to remember that you exp is your ds's parent too, however much you might wish he wasn't (I completely identify with this btw)

thisisyesterday ExP takes decisions where DS is concerned. There is no way he'd do what I said all the time, even reasonable requests from me are met with derision.

Thanks chesnut tree. Yes, I may well have to say fuck it on this issue, but I know that if DS manages wees in potty for 2 days at his dads (or even if he doesn't for that matter) and he doesn't with me, then I will be at fault and ExP will do what he can to use it against me and to question my "parenting skills" (dont like that term but ykwim). He's a bit of a piece of work - have posted in relationships too.

I really can see why you are so annoyed, but also i would come down heavily on the silver lining side of things as mentioned above. I had a similar experience in a way with my DD1 - although it was with my mother. She had been making standard irritating older generation noises about DD not being potty trained (she was only 2.3 and I had recently tried and failed dismally so was sure she wasn't quite ready) and I had got quite cross with her. Anyway, DH and I went away for a long w/e and my mother looked after DD1 - and guess what, she potty trained her while I was away, against my wishes and against what we had discussed etc, but I can assure you I wasn't upset about it once I had got over the initial shock and surprise. The thing is that it might be that as your exP is the less regular parent that he and his MIL actually do have some success - toddlers have a way of not co-operating with the ones that they are closest to (i.e. you) and suddenly actually doing what is wanted of them for others. 'presents' needn't be complicated - a chocolate button is fine.