Mumsnet Talk

I'm Christian and have recently been reflecting on the line of the Lord's Prayer "forgive our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us."

There is a certain incident between myself and an older family member which took place in my teens (not sexual abuse) which still bothers me sometimes when I think about it, outwardly I have been able to move on from it and have a good relationship with this person now but inwardly when I think of this incident I still harbour some resentment at the cruelty of it. Does the fact that I have let it go to this extent count as forgiveness, and if not how do I start to let it go in my own mind to reach a place of true forgiveness and become a better person?

Forgiveness can be a magnificent thing if it helps YOU heal. If you harbour resentment explore it a little further if its not too painful, if it is too painful would counselling help? Forgiveness is a good thing overall once there is an acknowlegement from the person being forgiven that they are lucky enough to be forgiven and they are contrite about their mistake. IMO some things are unforgiveable. If you are finding it hard to forgive it doesn't make you a less good person, it just makes you human

I can't really talk to the person concerned as we're not really that kind of family, the last time someone showed any negative feelings towards another family member it caused a massive ruck with people still not speaking to each other and I really don't want to be the cause of another one when things are more or less on an even keel just now. Exploring it further is a good idea, I feel maybe that I have slightly blown it out of proportion to still be bothered by it now but it was generally a dark time in my life as I was being bullied at school which my family didn't know about so maybe it has all become entangled in my mind somehow, home was meant to be my safe haven and even that was put in jeopardy. A part of me wonders if I deserved it even, as I could be very difficult to live with as a teen. I don't think it is a big enough issue to warrant counselling and I couldn't afford to pay for it anyway, but talking about it and getting some of the feelings off my mind in an anonymous way here has helped so thank goodness for the internet. Although at the same time I am thankful that the internet wasn't around back then, if the school bullying had followed me home through facebook and similar sites I don't think I would be here today, although strangely I find it easier to forgive the girls who made my life hell but maybe that's because I don't have to see them these days and with hindsight I realise that the ringleader had deep personal issues of her own.

If its still bothering you and having a hold on you then its valid and you aren't blowing it out of proportion, it is healthy to recognise that there were other factors that may have contributed to the overall sense of dread and insecurity at the time. That doesn't mean that the thing that happened with the famly member wasn't awful and that you didn't suffer though, sometimes its better to feel the feeling iyswim rather than brush it off.
I know all about not mentioning things to family member etc because things 'are on an even keel' but maybe in your mind they aren't and if you were to bring it up you'd probably upset a balance but is it a healthy balance if you can't bring something thats bothering you so much up with them anyway? I'm not suggesting you go in with all guns blazing looking for retribution but it would be nice if there was an acknowledgment if your suffering at the time. Sorry you had such a bad time with the bullies, that just sucks, I feel so badly for those who are bullied. I'm not religious by the ay I stumbled in here! SO sorry if this isn't coming from a Christian/faith perspective, I do have faith in other people however. Do you have someone to talk to about this a DP or best friend?

To be honest I feel better just for writing it all down, like a weight has been lifted, thanks for listening and responding .

Glad you feel a bit better, sometimes it really does help, revist it anytime you want, the internet is anonymous and that won't do any harm