Mumsnet Talk

My nearly-5yo hates party games, apart from pass the parcel. I think this is partly because it involves sitting down, and partly because she likes getting the sweeties between layers.

I think she might be slightly dyspraxic, so there is definitely a good reason why she might dislike games like musical bumps or whatever.

This basically means that she likes going to parties for the tea and the party bags, and stands around looking miserable during the games. I got a bit shirty with her at a party today, as she was standing clinging miserably onto me with a generally whingey demeanour. I told her that she didn't have to join in, but that there was no need to be such a misery about it. I did also force her to join in at one point .

It really annoys me, I'm not quite sure why. There is something aggravating about watching all the other children bouncing about having fun while my dd clings to me looking like a wet blanket. And I don't like the way she is only interested in the food and the party bag.

What would you do? And how unreasonable is it of me to get grumpy with her? I feel it is probably a bit counterproductive as it just makes her feel worse about herself and less likely to want to join in and have fun.

I have a dd who doesn't like party games, she is very sensitive and also hates loud music etc. I know the temptation is for you to feel embarassed, annoyed etc at her (as I have done!) but really it is counter-productive, as you say. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't want to join in, just let her sit with you and talk about what is going on, how the games work and she may eventually join in. I took dd to a party recently and she totally refused to join in any of the games, which was quite embarassing but I didn't force her. Also, just last night, I took her to her first school disco (she's in reception) and ended up having to take her home after 15 mins as the loud music freaked her out and she refused to join in, and even ended up crying quite hysterically! I am only now starting to realise that it's just the way she is and to accept it as part of her personality! It is hard though, because you feel they are missing out sometimes....

I remember taking DD to her first birthday party of a school friend. She was really looking forward to it - until we got there. It was a disco party, held jointly for her friend and the friend's older brother. Dark, noisy room filled with kids, half of whom were 2 years older. DD's discomfort upset me so much I had to go to the loo for a cry. . DD eventually ventured on to the floor for a little bit of it, and was the last still sitting at the tea table, as usual. I was gutted on her behalf.

When we got home, DH asked how the party was. "Great!" was her reply.

I know how you feel about getting grumpy. I do it too. But I am slowly realising (4 years in to the party thing) that DD is capable of enjoying herself despite all appearances to the contrary. I wouldn't take her to a party unless she wanted to go, and she has got better (but not brilliant) as times goes on.

Yes DS2 (now just 6) was like that 2 years ago. I vividly remember one party I took him to when he not only refused to play games but insisted on staying in a different room away from the other children. I told him we would not accept any more invitations until he could be more sociable!

When he was 5 he was happy to be with the other children but still really not keen on party games but when he went to a party a few weeks ago I was really amazed by the change. It was our neighbour's DS so the other guests were unknown to him (different school) and 2 years older but he really enjoyed the games! I think he was quite self-conscious previously, strangely most of all with children he knew well as when he was at nursery he used to be really shy of his best friend after weekends, but he has grown out of it.

I know what you mean though, you wonder why your child has to be the clingy one who won't join in but really it doesn't seem to predict their future behaviour. I wouldn't say there was any difference between DS2 and his classmates now.

I vividly remember feeling like your dd as a child. Why should all children like party games? Not all adults like socialising in the same way. She'll join in if and when she feels ready, so please don't force the issue. (You could always turn down the invitation if its a problem.)

Nice to hear we're not alone!

tracyvontrapp, I think the thing that bugs me is that dd is desperate to go to the parties. It makes me feel she is just being acquisitive and greedy really, as it's just about getting tea and party bag gifts.

I agree that she shouldn't have to join in with the games if she doesn't want to, but it would really help if she could be pleased to see the other children, or even just stand cheerfully while she watches instead of hanging miserably onto me or curling up into a ball on the floor!

Oh I sound horrible, don't I? I just find it really hard not to get irritated.

My son who is now 18 was like this. He once even asked me at his own party if I could send all the children home now. It lessened with maturity and I can vouch for the fact that it is certainly not a sign of things to come when they are older

That's nice to hear, lazymum!

Gosh - I read that and was about to say how much dd is the same and didn't notice it was you Aranea. Yes, dd is just like this. I still shudder when I remember her own 4th bday party (deep shudder). I actually pretended not to recieve the last 2 bday party invites because, frankly, I felt we had all (dd included) had enough for a while.

She loves pass the parcel - but that's it. She just doesn't do groups. Peole we know are used to it - but new people from school.... I actually hope we dont' get too many invites.

hello Acinonyx! You've just cheered me up on a very glum morning. I love how similar our dds sound.

Acinonyx - what will you do for her 5th? Dd1 will be 5 next month and I can't decide what to do. I'd really like to have 2 or 3 children round for tea and maybe pass the parcel and a treasure hunt or something, but I don't think dd's friendships have solidified to the point where I could decide which 2 or 3 to have. Is tricky.

Fortunately dd is a July baby so we have plenty of time to sort it out. I prefer the idea of a small tea party but I fear dd may be fixated on having a bday party even though she finds them so stressful in reality.

I honestly can hardly bare to think about her last bday party - I put so much into it and it all went so wrong.....

We have friends around the county that we usually see on bdays and I'm not sure how that will fit in with new school friends and trying not to have a big party - but trying not to leave friends out.

In the end I will probably put the options to dd herself and talk it through. We may even end up having a party AND then a small tea on her actual bday so that I can be sure she does actually enjoy the day itself.

So I'm no help, am I?

No, you're no help at all! My dd also insists that she loves parties and has been planning her party for a year now. It's a bugger.

i must say i hate kids who wont play games as a host

Thanks for that DanDruff. Very helpful.

my dd7 is the same. hates it. as did i when i was little.

What's worse is the parent/hosts who badger her, and keep on at her to join in, making her feel worse, for feeling that way.

I have always encouraged her but she really can't see what the fuss is about. She is bright and fun, but doesn't like games at parties, and wil normally find a like minded soul to slink off with!!!

Dandruff, i meant you then

But Aranea, DS1 hated all parties, but likes his own.

Never understood that to be honest, except maybe becuase he knew what would happenas he's helped to plan it, and we didn't play loud music a scream for ice cream etc. <<shudder at the thought>>

WE have had 2 parties in the past, one for children of my friends who expect to be invited, and one with DS's real friends.

I have found dd was better at other parties than her own - I think perhaps she gets overwhelmed when it's her own party and can relax more when it's someone else's. I feel just the same!

I think we will probably go the 2 party/tea route too.

Actually dd did enjoy her 4th birthday party. But it was very carefully planned to avoid the games we knew she would have a problem with. As you say, LynetteScavo, she knew what was going to happen and I think that helped. And the playlist was all her favourite music rather than the usual Barbie Girl / Who Let the Dogs Out stuff that seems to get played at most children's parties.

We put so much effort into planning and organising it, and I suppose I wonder whether she could be convinced to have just as much fun in a different way, since actually I don't think it was the party itself that she enjoyed iyswim, more the sense of being at the centre of an Occasion.