So sorry to hear your DS is feeling this way, poor thing. How brave of him to write that letter and talk to your partner about his feelings.

I don't have any experience of this as a parent but wanted to add my experience of my own parents' divorce. I was away at university when it happened but my younger bro, aged 13, ended up in an arrangement whereby he stayed one week with my mother, one with my father. He was a sensitive but quiet sort not prone to showing his feelings, and the experience of the divorce and of his new living arrangement really shook him badly. He went from being a fairly happy boy with lots of friends and really sporty hobbies into someone who never left the house and put on tonnes of weight almost overnight.

I've always thought the living arrangements were ridiculous and that it must be very disturbing to a child to have to change locations so regularly - they have two homes and yet not one strong base. My parents' divorce was extremely acrimonious and I think my brother felt very exposed to the problems by 'switching allegiance' (ie. location) every week.

Obviously I have no idea whether any of this applies to your son but it might be worth looking at this option as something that could be contributing to his unease with himself. Whether it be via yourself, your partner, or a counsellor, I think it would be really worth trying to get to the bottom of his feelings and taking them seriously. My brother never felt listened to, never wanted to be shunted back and forth but when asked by parents what he wanted to do at the time felt obliged to say that he'd stay at both their places because he didn't want to hurt either of them's feelings.

Best of luck with it.

Thanks Slambang. Am sorry to hear you have been through same but also a bit reassured . Was prepared for them to hate me, or dp or Dad but not themselves

DD is 5 and seems OK but she is the sort of dc who loves everybody and is absolutely certain that everyone loves her. She suffers from lack of routine and sleep when at Dads but seems emotionally unscathed.

I do think ds might have been the same even if his Dad and I were still together. But hard to know. No experience of dcs like this. Ds definitely sensitive.

Am reluctant to change arrangements as would inevitably involve court battle and XH would drag dcs into middle of it.

Hi Gin

Must be and for you to hear that. It certainly hit me hard when my ds said it to me.

I wish I had answers for you but it sounds pretty much like you've answered your own questions. Perhaps its time to let ds have a say in the arrangements?

How does your dd cope with the 2 home shuffle?

And for what it's worth I have a very sensitive (now 10 Yr old) ds who also makes this sort of statement quite often and there's no obvious stress that can explain it. Some dcs say things like this because they are that sort of dc, not because of a major flaw in their life.

Keep trying

Tonight my ds presented dp (not his Dad) with a letter saying he hates himself and wants to die. Have tried asking him why but he says he doesn't know. He is often angry and frustrated and at 7 still prone to the occasional tantrum.

DC have complicated home life. They live alternate weeks with me/dp and their Dad. We have joint residency arrangement. Dad is very competitive about his rights but doesn't spend all that much time with them when with him. Fortunately we have fab nanny who works at both houses.

Dad had new dp but she seems to have left. Ds absolutely hated her so this may be a good thing.

Anyway ds's behaviour at our house is largely fine - we have clear rules and expectations, set bed times and a routine. Ds is comfortable with this. Dad runs a much less structured regime and as a result ds is often tired and grumpy which makes nanny's life a misery. Also Dad shouts at ds a lot when he fails to do exactly what Dad wants - he has always been like this and he runs on a fairly short fuse. Despite this he adores ds and dd is of very secondary interest.

Ds is clearly troubled dont know how to help him. He loves and talks to my new dp but he is also loyal to his Dad and has been told he should not love my dp. Ds has said on numerous occasions he would rather live with us but suspect he may tell his Dad the same thing.He finds the 2 house arrangement very unsettling.

Have tried very calm conversation with Dad to see if we can agree some consistency in our parenting approach but he is so competitive and is still angry about my decision to leave, so is not very receptive to any attempts to co-parent.

This is a very long-winded way of saying I am worried about ds and don't know whether he needs professional help from someone outside the situation. Any MNers been in similar situation or have any advice to offer.