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Original poster

DS2 just born - feeling complicated emotions.

25 replies

luckiestgirlintheworld · 12/08/2015 10:37

Has anyone else felt this way? I had DS2 five days ago and I know it's normal to feel emotional at first so I'm hoping it's mostly down to that.

I think I'm just mourning the relationship DS1 (18 months) and I had, he was my little mate and we did everything together and it's never going to be the same again. When I'm putting him to bed I just want to cry because he's so innocent and oblivious and has no idea that I've changed his life forever and it's never going to be just the two of us again.

Also I'm struck by the complicated love I feel for newborn DS2. I love him, but not in the simple way I loved DS1. This time I have my love for my toddler to compare to the love of my newborn, which feel like different types of love. Is that okay to love DS2 differently? I love my toddler because of his personality and because of our shared experiences, as well as the pure mother love. But with my newborn I only have the pure mother love. So I just feel a bit sad I suppose and worried that I love them differently. Will the love grow when I build up experiences with DS2 and when he starts developing a personality? Or should I love them equally already?

To be honest I think a lot of this is just down to hormones and my milk coming in, because when I think rationally not emotionally I can see that I'm giving DS1 a great gift of a little brother and I don't need to feel any guilt about our relationship because I love him just as much, if not more.
Also, I think what might help is if I start thinking of us 3 as a little team, instead of me and DS1 as little mates and now a baby. It is a different relationship, but it doesn't have to be a worse one. It's just going to have to take adjusting to.

Sorry for rambling - I'm right in the middle of that post partum hormone crash! Any experiences welcome

OP posts:

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BiscuitMillionaire · 12/08/2015 10:45

Maybe it would help to remember also, that how we feel about people, including babies and children, is not fixed but changes from day to day and even minute to minute. Relationships don't stand still.

You sound like you have plenty of insight, even in the middle of post-birth hormone horror! You have plenty of love to go round. Everything is going to be alright

ShelaghTurner · 12/08/2015 10:46

Absolutely normal! I remember sitting on the sofa with newborn dd2, crying because DH (being helpful!) kept taking dd1 to his mother's for the day to give me some peace. All I could think was that people kept taking my little girl away and she was the one I wanted, not this strange baby who didn't really mean anything to me (although she did, obviously. If that make sense!)

It passes I promise. DD2 is 3 now and I spend my time hoping someone will take both of them away

Congratulations It will pass. Just take one day at a time.

StonedGalah · 12/08/2015 10:50

I have had this worry as dd2 is due soon and I just adore dd1. She is nearly 5 and is such a great little person that every now and then I get sad for the change in the relationship I'll have with dd1 and the change to her life we will be pushing on her.

I also struggled to bond with dd1 when she was first born. I looked after her as my instinct told me to but I didn't love her (unlike DH who loved her the second he saw her) and I've worried that I might have the same experience with dd2 which will somehow make it harder.

But I agree with Biscuit that how we feel about people changes so much that it's understandable you love ds2 a bit different now.

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Scotinoz · 12/08/2015 10:51

Totally normal I felt this way when my second baby arrived. She's three months now and those feelings are a distant memory. Congrats on the new baby, and it'll all sort itself out.

Original poster

luckiestgirlintheworld · 12/08/2015 12:10

Wow, this is really reassuring, thank you so much!

OP posts:

ratsintheattic · 12/08/2015 12:17

Totally normal. Most (honest) people I know admit they worried they would never be able to love their second child as much as the first. But you do.

Mrscog · 12/08/2015 14:56

Totally normal to have mixed feelings - mine were different - I went off my DS1 who was 3.1 - he seemed so big, brash and OTT where as I had loads of gushy newborn love for DS2 and I just wanted to spend all my time with him. It was very distressing but only lasted a couple of weeks.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 12/08/2015 15:05

DD1 is 21 months and DD2 is 5 weeks. I felt exactly the same. People kept 'helping' by taking DD1 out and I would sit in tears because I missed by big girl and wanted them to take the baby out instead! It's hard because you obviously love your new baby but you don't know them. 5 weeks on and I adore DD2 and love seeing DD1 give her kisses and wave toys at her. I can see how their relationship is going to be then they're older. The baby is smiling and starting to show glimpses of personality. It's still bloody hard work though!

purpleaura · 12/08/2015 15:05

I don't have my own experience to offer but I did read this beautiful poem the other day which might help. Scroll a bit half way down to find it:www.naturalmamas.co.uk/blog/loving-more-than-one/

purpleaura · 12/08/2015 15:07

Trying again! www.naturalmamas.co.uk/blog/loving-more-than-one/

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 15:11

By giving your DS1 a brother you have given him the best gift you could possibly have given him.

I know exactly what you mean - I felt just the same. I felt like I was being unfaithful to my first child, too, and that I was literally kissing the other person in front of her!

It is very, very complicated when you are so hormonal but when you come out of that hormonal haze everything will be alright. I love my two children equally and I couldn't have imagined that beforehand.

If you continue to feel bad, speak to your health visitor or GP - please don't suffer on your own.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Baffledmumtoday · 12/08/2015 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fugghetaboutit · 12/08/2015 15:16

Day 5 is rough - milks just come in, hormones are everywhere. Go easy on yourself. Ds1 will love having a brother!

lovemakespeace · 12/08/2015 16:06

I could have written EXACTLY everything you have put in your OP when my second child was born. I grieved the change of my relationship with my firstborn. Apparently it is very common and normal.

I also recognised that I did not love my new baby in exactly the same way as I did my toddler as you describe above. I found this more an interesting observation than something to worry about. One of the weirdest things I found about having a newborn again was realising how little you know them!

Needless to say my second baby is 13 months now and I cannot imagine life without her. We all adore her, including my son. I love getting to know each of them more and more as time passes. For me not being really intense about my second's baby days, but just bringing her along for the ride, has led to a much happier year all around :)

Be kind to yourself mama, early days.

Original poster

luckiestgirlintheworld · 12/08/2015 16:54

Thanks for the support everyone. It's reassuring to know I'm having a normal reaction. These hormones are just so strong!

OP posts:

Ahemily · 12/08/2015 16:59

Watching with interest. This very thought has occurred to me, as I prepare for the arrival of DD1. DS is 3 now and, exactly as you phrase it, my little mate. I'm feeling exactly the same worries as you've expressed now - I hope the lovely words from those who know have comforted you as they have me. Congratulations on your new arrival.

susannahmoodie · 12/08/2015 17:04

I think this is normal. It pretty much describes exactly how I felt after my ds2 was born, except I was far too frazzled to put it so articulately!

Bin85 · 12/08/2015 17:11

Yes I know what you mean
I was so looking forward to maternity leave with DS1 but then DS2 was born prematurely and we were pitched into worry and hospital visits . DS1 took it in his stride and grew up really quickly but DS2 didn't smile for ages .
Once he did though it was lovely and your love just expands for all your DC

merrygoround51 · 12/08/2015 17:13

Completely normal and I imagine it echoes the experience of many Mums second time around. Its just your mind, body and hormones adjusting.

It changes though and you love them both equally as time goes on

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 13/08/2015 21:22

Normal. You need to mourn for the old setup and relationship with DC1.

catellington · 13/08/2015 21:39

I have dd1, 2.5 and dd2, 4 months. Your post actually expresses how I feel exactly even better than I could have written it! Although it is changing and improving somewhat.

I actually felt and still feel rather like mrscog suddenly dd1 seemed enormous and loud and a bit repulsive I'm afraid. Things like changing her nappy seemed all wrong ! Compared to a little cute newborn bum. But I also felt all the things you mentioned, guilty and as if I was cheating on her! In fact these feelings are still there (I don't feel I can play with dd2 as enthusiastically when dd1 is there in case she gets upset) but things are getting better now dd2 is developing a real little personality of her own!

Sadly I am feeling that this phase is something to be endured - I'm loving dd2 being a baby but the combination of the two is not yet enjoyable, but I think we are at a turning point right now.

Good luck and enjoy your family

nataliejc77 · 13/08/2015 22:21

Congratulations on your newborn. I have no advice as I am in the same predicament as you. I have a wonderful 3 y.o son and an 8 day old son. Just wanted you to know that you are certainly not alone

MayFlowers16 · 15/08/2015 20:52

Thank you OP and everyone else for being so honest about how you are feeling. I am 16 weeks pg with my second and I am sure that I will be feeling like this when the new baby is born. I remember crying after we first started ttc #2 as I suddenly felt so guilty and sorry for dd!

This thread will remind me that feelings like this are ok and are totally normal.

AnyPostToday · 15/08/2015 20:59

I felt exactly the same with the same age gap. Thinking DD was too young to have a sibling and I was mad for thinking we could cope with it. DD adapted amazingly and I'm so proud of her, they are now 4 and 2.6, DD starts school next month and I'm looking forwards to spending time with DS on my own as I've never done that before.
I always made a point of having DD on my own for at least a few hours every week (I used a childminder for DS)

Congrats on your baby

blushingmare · 16/08/2015 22:03

It will all be ok I felt such an amazing rush of overwhelming love for DC1 the moment she was born and then felt terribly guilty that I didn't feel the same for DC2 when he came along. My love for him has been a much more slow burn type of love, but I love them both just as much now. Congratulations!

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