My ds is just over 3 weeks and my confidence is at an all time low due to visit from my mother.

(83 Posts)
Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 18:17:59

I thought I was coping quite well with my ds; mother hadn't spent time here as she was ill but came to stay for the last 2 nights. As a result my confidence at is gone looking after my ds.

1 Mother is obsessed that I am not winding ds properly, I spend ages doing it and usually manage to get a burp up but she kept on saying "give him to granny" and such comments

2 She is obsessed with giving the baby water, I checked it out and said the baby didn't need water, she gave it to him anyway sad. I told her this was not acceptable as I felt she had done it behind my back and she huffed with me

3 She told me I looked very awkward holding the baby and that my dh was much more of a natural sad

4 She kept on saying the baby was going to choke and kept shouting at me to run to his pram.

I just feel that my relationship with my mother has changed so much since my baby arrived a few weeks ago and I don't know why.

Mother is away home now and I'm left crying as I feel I'm such an unnatural mother. He just over 3 weeks, what can I do better?

Dh is at work and I'm a state right now.

LadyKinbote Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:43

Is it first GC over-exuberance? Definitely her issue, not yours.

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:49

BTW - a lot of Grannies feel they have to criticise, they don't mean to but it's the only way they get any control or are able to get to feel useful round DGC, when you have always been the parent, to suddenly "just" be granny is hard for them. Being negative is often a way to make themselves back in charge and useful. A newborn needs it's mother, it doesnt actually need grandparents at all. It's could be a subconcious way of getting back some of that "I'm the alpha female in the room" status. See, you suddenly started listening whereas if she'd just have left you to it and told you you were doing fine, she wouldn't have been anywhere near as important, as 'in control' as she's been over the last few days.

Your mum has to learn she's not the mum anymore, but the gran.

Oh, and no one is a 'natural mother' - some people have learned how to look after DCs on other siblings/DN's but most learn how to be a parent on their PFB. That's all you are doing. Give it 3 months and you'll feel far more like a 'real mum'. (If you don't feel it, fake it.) I bet you are coping far better with being a new mum than she's coping being a new gran.

Phineyj Sat 23-Feb-13 18:51:02

Casey24 after my last NCT meet up when the other mums were brandishing the apps they were using to monitor their babies (feeds, poos, sleep, temperature) I spent several days worrying that I wasn't worrying enough -- you can't win!

LadyWidmerpool Sat 23-Feb-13 18:51:55

Try to relax, put some trash on the tv or some cheesy music, have something nice to eat (order a takeaway?) and enjoy being on your own with your gorgeous bundle. You sound like you are doing really well.

sydlexic Sat 23-Feb-13 18:52:28

You are a natural mother. Your DM is not, no decent mother takes their DD's confidence away.

Just believe in yourself.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 18:54:08

I've honestly never felt so stressed out that I have done over the last 2 days. I was actually sweating so much I had to go and change my clothes when she went home today.

My mother and mil are friendly and I know they like to phone each other,so feel they are scrutinising me. I'm 33 and dh is 38 so we aren't exactly children.

Ds is bottle fed

I keep checking him and he looks fine. His breathing is a little raspy but it has been and we have out saline drops in his nose to try and help.

I was going to cook something tonight for the first time since my CS as this is the first night I'm by myself but am just going to have a chicken breast and pasta. Feel a failure, but know this is silly.

FrameyMcFrame Sat 23-Feb-13 18:55:34

You're NOT an unnatural mother at all!! You are doing the right thing and she is wrong. Babies do not need extra water (unless they're poorly and even then opinion is divided)

You do not need to spend hours burping babies. That is an outdated concept too, a little upright cuddle is fine.

Don't doubt yourself. It's YOUR baby not hers. You are the Mum now, trust your instincts like you already have done smile

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:57:04

Casey24 - lesson learned the hard way, say "no thank you" to any future offers to have your DC overnight for the first year or so. If you want a night out, say you'd love babysitting for a couple of hours at your house, but that's it. Not worth the hassle by the sounds of things.

so many people end up holding their mothers or MIL at arms length after they have behaved badly in the first few weeks of a new baby's birth, it's really sad that often it's the older woman trying to exert control and ended up with a result of less influence in their DGCs life. often if they'd just approached things a little less gung ho they'd have much better relationships with their DD/DIL and DGC.

CitrusyOne Sat 23-Feb-13 18:58:09

Grandmothers are obsessed with winding and babies drinking water. Fact. Dd is four months and perfectly capable of bringing her own wind up yet nanny sits rubbing her back for AGES. They then get very proud when they produce a burp.

Three weeks in is the HARDEST time- I'm not excusing what your mum has said- I'd be sobbing too, but when dd was three weeks old I think I cried for days on end. And I can't even remember the reason.

You're doing fantastically well, follow your gut instinct and believe in yourself- I bet your little one is thriving. Cherish these early days cos they really do go so fast x

DontmindifIdo Sat 23-Feb-13 18:59:52

Well then do you really not think that formula and bottles have changed in the last 33 years? Honestly, she was told to give water because it was important because formulas were a lot futher away from breast milk consisitancy and DCs would often be consitpated. The teets used to let in a lot of air so babies would need a lot of winding.

While the older generation who breast fed can reasonably say "it's not changed", formula feeding is massively different. Ignore.

morescribbles Sat 23-Feb-13 19:00:47

Bless you, you are doing great. I have 5 and childmind. I learned very quickly that you have to filter the good and bad information from people but to trust your instincts. A mother's instinct is very powerful. Be strong and stand your ground. It is very sad that your mum has made you feel less confident. It sounds to me that she has no reason at all to say those things. I am sure you are holding and winding your baby fine but if you have any worries at all speak to a health visitor because they can reassure you in person. The only time I have experienced choking babies is when my twins were newborn and were ill with respiratory virus syndrome. We ended up in hospital for a few days (after calling an ambulance). Babies don't generally choke from being badly winded they are more likely to cry from discomfort. Take care of yourself and good luck in dealing with mum!

QuickLookBusy Sat 23-Feb-13 19:01:28

Oh Pink please don't take what you're mum has said to heart. She really was rude and unhelpful to say those things, she's undermined you. It should be her job to boost your confidence and let you know how well you're doing.

Listen to MN instead!

It is YOUR baby son and you do know best. You sound like you've been doing and amazing job until your mum started saying silly things, so hang onto that and try to get that confidence back.

Pinkflipflop Sat 23-Feb-13 19:04:54

He's not the first grandchild as my brother has a little girl but I don't think she feels as close to my sister in law as she does to me. Sister in law has a big family.

I would just love someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm doing a good job.

Mil is just concerned stay her son has to work and might not be getting enough sleep. So she's not any better than my mum but I'm so disappointed as I thought my mum would be a real help.

Ds is sleeping now and looks content.

Is it normal for babies to grimace? He does this a little and then throws up a little milk, even after winding.

I will read all replies again, I'm not ignoring anyone.

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 19:05:53

She sounds horrid. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Congratulations on surviving the first 3 weeks! You are amazing smile

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 19:07:04

x-posted.

He sounds delightfully normal. As do you.

Casey24 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:09:08

Yes the NCT meets can be a bit like that, it's almost a competition to see who is having the hardest time...my Ds is pretty relaxed a sleeps and feeds pretty well but after meeting the other mums I start wondering why he doesn't cry more or sleep less, and that maybe I'm just not worrying enough about him ! It's crazy as he definitely does his share of crying but when it's your first baby you can get obsessed with thinking about what is normal...

KatieMiddleton Sat 23-Feb-13 19:11:50

I don't think it matters whether you're having the easiest time ever or the hardest time. You always worry a little bit that you're doing it wrong!

morescribbles Sat 23-Feb-13 19:12:13

((Hugs))) you are doing a great job. Babies pull all kinds of weird expressions and often throw up a little milk. I used to have a muslin cloth on hand to put over my shoulder while I was winding.

dixiechick1975 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:14:07

The choke thing could be because in her day babies slept on their tummies - not their backs due to risk of choking. Opposite of current advice.

A friend whose mum is from overseas would constantly find her mum putting her newborn on his front despite explaining.

You sound like you are doing a great job.

OhThisIsJustGrape Sat 23-Feb-13 19:21:15

You are doing a fantastic job, your baby is 3 weeks old and its down to you that he is doing so well smile I honestly used to look at mine when they were newborns and feel absolutely staggered that I could actually have something 100% dependant on me and manage to keep it alive grin

And I never had to deal with recovering from a c-section, it always makes me think when women are expected to rest for weeks after a hysterectomy for example, yet they have to look after a totally dependant small person straight away after a section!

Your mum probably feels all strange now that you are a mum yourself, my dad still does this to me 17yrs after I had my first. It's a parent thing I think. Either try and avoid her for a while or learn to smile and nod, you are doing brilliantly and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you're anywhere near Norfolk I would happily come and give you a very un-MN hug smile

DancingInTheMoonlight Sat 23-Feb-13 19:32:05

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Just concentrate on how you felt you were doing prior to her arrival!

How does your dh/dp think you are doing? What did he think of your mums behaviour?

Sadly babies bring out the best AND worst in people. What was your relationship like before? When you are feeling more prepared/ stronger or when she next visits, you AND DP my need to be very clear about what you view is acceptable behaviour...

Purplecatti Sat 23-Feb-13 19:44:45

You're doing FINE.
I'm four months into my first baby. Things I have learned:
Babies have weird stuffy raspy breathing when asleep
The one time I was so tired I forgot to wind mine she did choke. She coughed and Milk spurted out her nose, I snatched her up and rubbed her back but she was fine.
People feel the need to bombard you with 'advice'.
Tell your mother if she goes against your orders she won't be welcome again. Your baby. Your rules.

Wolfiefan Sat 23-Feb-13 19:52:59

Baby sounds normal. You sound normal.
She sounds bonkers and controlling.
YOUR baby YOUR decision. How did she give water? Did she boil it first? Sterilise equipment?

Chottie Sat 23-Feb-13 20:11:56

Babies were put on their stomach in the 70s / 80s to stop them choking (so it was thought) but current advice is for babies to sleep on their backs - please update me someone if that has changed again?

Purplecatti Sat 23-Feb-13 22:23:53

Chottie. The current advice is to suspend your baby in a hammock made from organic cotton wool and enveloped in an allergen free bubble wrap. Also you have to paint yourself orange and position yourself in a headstand against the wall.
:-)

My mum says she was told in the 80s to put babies on their fronts to stop them getting flat heads.

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