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Not brave enough for AIBU, but am I BU for wanting to be treated like a "new mum" for a bit after the birth of no2?(59 Posts)
I want the fuss, the special treatment, the kid-gloves!
I want to be "off the hook" and not have people lean on me, ask me favours, expect me to be there for them and not forget things etc just for a few weeks while my baby is a newborn
I want a babymoon!
I want people to make me a cup of tea when they come round!
Is it normal to only get any of the above after the birth of no1 and was I being unrealisitc to expect a bit of the same after the birth of no2? or are our friends and family just being a bit shit this time?
I healed quicker last time, wasn't in pain last time, DH had much more time off to help last time, but still I wasn't expected to do anything but sit and cuddle my newborn! This time I'm hobbling around with SPD, back pain and a cut that isn't healing as it should but am expected to run around and be just as considerate to everyone else as normal and be the hostess with the mostess when they come round and I'm getting tearful and bitter about it now!
(p.s. am not ignoring DD's fever in favour of ranting on MN - we've called out-of-hours doc and DH is taking her off to see the on-call at the weekend clinic)
Repeat after me:
"Not right now."
"No, Mum, not right now, this is not urgent."
"MUM. NOT. RIGHT. NOW."
Failing that, I will teleport myself over to your house, stand guard in front of your door, and only allow people to pass who give correct answers to the following questions:
1. Do you know how to make a cup of tea?
2. If yes, are you willing to?
3. If yes, does that include the new mum???
4. Are you a taunt?
5. Do you know what "not right now" means?
6. Do you have ears, and are you willing to use them for their proper purpose?
I think postnatal door bouncers would be a winning buisness idea!
I DO want people to come and share our new person with us, in fact I wish they would come more often and I also wish they came sooner! (ILs really took their time which hurt DH's feelings), I just wish that when they came they could indulge me a bit and let me be a baby/birth bore and not just sit down, briefly look at the baby then start off loading on me and hinting about their cup needing refilling etc
oh and also, I wish they'd leave me a space on the sofa too! I don't want to have to actually spell out the fact that my gaping fanjo and twisted pelvis/arse bone does not allow me to sit on the arm or on one of the hard chairs from the kitchen!
Words fail me.
I would have absolutely no problem saying "I'm sure you don't want details, although I would be happy to supply them - but my bottom needs that sofa more than you"!
I am so angry for you. Feckers.
or worse, if I sit on the floor it'll take me a good 5 mins to get properly upright again - I have the pelvis of a 103 year old at the moment! surely my ungraceful gait and wincing should be hint enough - I'm resenting the fact that I will have to get graphic if I don't want them to arse-plant themselves on the only semi comfortable spot in the house!
"Up you get - I need the sofa."
Foot-tapping should help.
I'm not disappearing - but I'm 8 hours behind you and we have DS's birthday party this afternoon. Will be back!
I think it's quite normal for people not to be as fussed with 2nd, thrid baby than for a first.
First time mum are also treated with gloves on the ground that it's all new, that they have no idea what they are doing etc...
Which is making sense up to a point.
However, expecting a roast dinner from a mum with a newborn, who has SPD problems (and we know they won't just go away like this), some stitches etc... is .
Same with sitting on the floor or the arm of the sofa ....
after no1's birth (when I was actually feeling quite spritely) they would have carried me around in one of these had one been available!
The contrast makes me feel hurt and sad and makes me feel like DS is sort of being rejected - he's a smashing little baby! so was no1 obv, Now I know that he won't notice or care about any of this but I'm hormonal and as such I feel sad on his behalf!
Also.. another first world problem but since I'm ranting here it goes: with no1 we got lots of compliments about the name, with no2 we either get no comment or "oh, that's a posh name isn't it", but no "lovely name" comments, PILs actually said "what were the other options" then cooed over one of the rejected names
Wait till you have a third! I totally get where you are coming from. I feel I didn't get enough attention with dc1 let alone dc2 and dc3. My mum who came to stay actually felt like having dc4 and I would have coped better without her.
And whilst we are having a moan, I never got treated like a pampered princess when pregnant either. Thought dh might give me massages, cook dinners, etc etc but no, even my boss once said, you do know you are pregnant and not ill
I really feel for you! And no, YANBU at all. I have 3 DD's, I was treated with the kid gloves after DD1, DD2 followed 16 months later but didn't really get the special treatment. Not that my relatives were anywhere near as bad as you have described OP, and after DD3 was born I was just expected to just get on with it. Not that I felt like I needed a couple of weeks in bed, but I did want a bit of pampering. When DD3 was 2 days old I was pushing her around Morrisons doing a weekly shop!!! (much to the delight of the staff who followed me all the way round and offered to hold the tiniest shopper of the year when she started to fuss. They even whisked me off to the staff room so I could feed her)
I think I needed to be fussed over with DD1 because becoming a mum was a bigger shock than I expected. But I felt like people didn't find my other DD's as special because there wasn't the big fuss when they came along.
If I was you I would tell your family that you are having a 4 week settling in period and anything that isn't urgent can wait to be delt with after ths time.
Switch your phone to silent (or off if you prefer) - take the batteries out of the doorbell, curl up with your DC and enjoy the early days of your growing family. You dont need this stress and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty or bad about that. Your DH can answer the door and turn people away, or reply to messages saying you will be in contact once you have had some sleep (gives you a few weeks to play with ) Im shocked that people were upset to hear your news 'second hand' - I told the friends that my DH and family aren't too familiar with, and that was a couple of weeks later...!! At the end of the day, you HAVE just had a baby, and you deserve time to enjoy your baby and create a happy atmosphere for your daughter to get to know the new addition.
I hope your DD is feeling better soon. And you too xx
I feel for you too smellysocks! DD2 is 16 weeks old and her arrival appears to have gone largely unnoticed by the wider world, which is odd as she is quite as awesome as her sister.
I am fortunate that my in-laws and my parents are all extremely nice and very considerate, but I have made sure all the female rellies got a fairly graphic set of details about the state of my nether regions this time around (also not good at all and recovery way slower than the first time) - they therefore understand when I am not being particularly useful and will quietly enlighten male rellies as required.
Being a new mum the first time was a complete shock and I've found the baby bit way easier this time: but I've also found having two to juggle more difficult than I ever thought possible. Could do with the special treatment more this time than last!
Oh the 2nd time round is harder in some ways, you are probably such a fab mum and cope so well that people just assume you are fine and just don't think to fuss. I still get annoyed and ds2 is nearly 1, at my friends who only had 1 dc when ds2 was born expected me to still be able to do as much as they did with 1 , and put the guilt trip on when I didn't come out as much, really got to me and though not the same scenario as my family were really fab, it was that similar feeling of 'eh hello the birth of ds2 is just as wondrous and I do feel a bit shell shocked in need of a bit of leeway.' My guess is you are a people pleaser and one of life's helpers and people just come to expect it, let them know how you feel. Recently when after a couple of glasses of wine one eve I let my friends know, they were really shocked ' but you just seemed to breeze through having 2 and we just really wanted to still see you and the boys all the time'
Say something , or get dh say to say something.
Number 2 children are just as amazing and wonderful !
aww that's nice about morrisons - at least strangers make a fuss of us eh?
Lots of random people on the bus did make a fuss of us yesterday - had to travel with him and DD to the next town to register him (because I had him at quite a far away hospital to had to register him in that town not our town), loads of old people offering us their seats, I refused the first few offers but then took as seat off someone who didn't look too old or infirm! It was lovely, but also if strangers can see that I need a seat when I have a new baby strapped to me, why can't family?
We don't have a car at the moment, and while I don't EXPECT lifts, and taking the bus isn't the end of the world (but it IS quite uncomfortable compaired to sitting in a car!) I do remember my mum driving to the next town multible times when DD was born there and had to go back there for blood tests etc, yet this time she "doesn't know the way" so couldn't give us a lift there to get DS registered - it IS her perogative of course, but hell or high water wouldn't have kept her from helping out when DD needed to be brought back there for tests
ah yes ticklebug! I got the "pregnant not ill" speech from so called friend, backed up with stories of people she knows who backpacked around the world when pregnant/ran marathons while pregnant etc! Oh and another one kept telling me about how she danced the night away at a work do on her due date - ooh good for you!, I obviously don't "win" at being pregnant! well never mind it's not like there's prizes!
oh that reminds me queenie, (I'd forgotten this one as it faded into the background compaired to family wanting to be waited on and not giving me a seat etc), one of my friends asked me if I wanted to go out in the evening this week! - nice to be asked and all but, er, no! Maybe I am putting on an outward vibe of being fine (although I thought I had been pretty graphic to this particular friend about how I was feeling??). Maybe I need to moan more? (in RL, obv am quite capable of whinging to MN!) it's hard though because I feel like if I start I'll cry! I've cried a few times while posting on here! and cry to DH about my painful hips or my degenerating bits! but I guess I have kept the tap closed on front of family and friends. But y'know the fact that I have to cry on front of them to get any sort of empathy, makes me not want to cry on front of them - know what i mean?
YANBU. But I think it only gets worse. Somebody I know with five children and a SAHM was being phoned up practically the day after she had given birth to the last one. Oh can you pick up so and so from school or drop off such a DC. Can you have my DC for a morning. I really sympathise. I agree make a fuss of yourself.
Poor you smelly I feel for you! You need to get some of your assertiveness back. When I had DS2 I was determined that I was going to take it easy as this time I knew how sore and knackered I would be (second CS).
My MIL made some comment about us going over to see family (an hour away) and I said "they are welcome to come here. I'm not READY to travel for that long yet, so they come here, or they wait" in a very firm voice. I definitely got the impression that that side of the family thought I should be up and about more as it was number two, but I didn't give two hoots.
Be kind to yourself and enjoy your lovely new bub .
I was the other way. I loved the fact that after nos 2,3,4 and 5 things returned back to normal straight away.
I loved it that when people came to visit I could be normal with them and just get on with making them cups of tea and during the week doing the school runs.
I would just like to add though that all my pregnancies and births were straight forward and with three of them I was home after six hours and doing washing and cooking tea all of which I felt fine doing. I was telling OH to get out of the kitchen as he was trying to help.
I have six and have babymooned with all of them, DH has got his protective daddy glare off to a fine art
Dont pander to them, don't help them with things that can wait, don't cook for them, don't run around after them and definitely don't let them hog the sofa
This time is special and you do deserve a bit of special treatment wether they like it or not
Not much you can do about the lack of interest though, and that does get worse the more you have!
vivienne that's shockin'!
I can understand that myliferocks, personally I'd always be led by the new mum and try and pick up on how they wanted to be treated (whether that's not wanting fuss or with kid gloves)
I'm bitter that my stiches have gaped open and my SPD is getting worse and I wonder if that would have happened if I had been able to take it easier in the beginning? maybe it would? who knows?
I'm also bitter that I'm not being treated as I treat others. I've made a fuss of every second and third niece/nephew/friend's child plus mum/dad/older siblings and I'm bitter that there's nothing in my fridge/freezer that we didn't make or buy ourselves. I realise this is fairly normal for 2nd babies and I need to lower my expectations a bit!
I have been treating myself.... to WAY too much comfort chocolate!
Oh I really feel for you OP I think you need some TLC. It's so wonderful having a newborn, and a very special time, but you need the people around you to support you, and look after YOU.
I have three children, and with my last one, my Mum drove me crazy! All I wanted was for her to help a bit with day to day things in the first few days, so that I could concentrate on my gorgeous bundle for just a while, but all she wanted to do was cuddle the baby (not do anything helpful like bath her etc... just sit and hold her!). Not helpful. With two other (much older) children to organise, DH and I could have done with some practical help......would have meant the world to us, but it wasn't to be!
Had much fewer visitors with 3rd as well. Mainly due to the fact that I was older this time round, and my friends had older kids, so baby days weren't quite so interesting anymore I guess.......hurtful though
Anyway try to enjoy these early days as best you can, and SOD the lot of them
Yanbu. I had the shit experience after my EMCS with DC1, visitors took the sofa so I was on the dining room chair, they stayed for hours and expected me to wait on them.
i still have massive ishoos about it 6yrs on
Second time round I e-mailed and said no visitors and basically sat on the sofa in peace for 2 weeks.
DH is back with a perkier full of antibiotics&ibuprofen DD and came bearing gifts of galaxy bars from the waiting room vending machine
Oh, Galaxy bars... my favourite!
I hope you're enjoying one during night feeds
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