Caught DS lying. He doesn't get how serious I am about hating lies. What punishments do you use?

(68 Posts)
CrapBag Tue 05-Feb-13 17:59:07

DS has only just turned 5 so still young.

He keeps scraping his school shoes and the fronts are getting so scuffed they are in danger of ending up with holes in. After always looking after his shoes, this has been the first pair that have ended up like this. I found out he is having races at school and starting off by having the top of the shoe on the ground, then when he sets off the whole top part of the shoe is completely scraped.

They are clarks and not cheap. I don't want to go down the cheaper shoe route as I know they are not going to last 5 minutes, we are on a tight budget but I do like to get decent shoes and so far they have had no problem in lasting.

Anyway, after I showed DS a different way to start off his races, it stopped for a while. Then he started scraping them again. I took his wallet with his money that he has been saving and I told him if he didn't stop I would be taking his own money to buy new ones (although as he hasn't outgrown them yet, I won't be getting new ones but he doesn't know this). This was enough and I thought we had cracked it.

Then yesterday he had scraped them yet again. First time for a while. He was adamant he hadn't done it, swore blind he didn't etc etc. I asked him about it again this morning and he STILL insisted he hadn't (it was obvious they had just been scraped as DH had cleaned and polished them the night before and there were new marks). Then DS changed his story and said they had been scraped and he blamed another child for doing it. I asked how and he came out with some crap that definitely did not make any sense and would not have resulted in shoes being scraped. He finally told me that it was him and that he had done it through having races.

I was FUMING!!! Not about the scraping so much but the fact that he lied over and over and he blamed his friend. I took his leappad that he has just got for his birthday and I said I would be keeping it for a while as I was so angry and disappointed. I also told him it was more about the lies and blaming that I was angry about.

This evening I wanted him to tell DH to reiterate how we do not tolerate this behaviour and he was adamant he couldn't remember what we had talked about (this morning), then I left them to it and DS came out with the same crap about his friend doing it, so he carried on lying. I was so annoyed I didn't go swimming with them, something I enjoy doing weekly.

I don't know how to handle this. How do I make DS understand that he is not to lie and blame others and then even after he has been punished and we have talked about it, he denied it all yet again. He clearly learned nothing at all.

CrapBag Fri 22-Feb-13 23:44:57

Thanks. I am feeling better recently. The day I posted this I just felt..... I'm not sure. Ragey (not really a word) but its not about the shoes, its about me feeling like a failure.

I know I am not that bad a parent. I can't actually bring myself to even read my OP. Its sounds so awful. My poor DS. He is fine though. We have had some chill time recently and the usual child attitude etc but I do feel that things are better. I do get down sometimes but it generally picks up again. I should chart it actually, I think it could be quite bad PMT. It happened after I had DS and before DD usually for 2 weeks out of the month. Could be something to look for. DH noticed last time and I was on the verge of starting medication but I got pregnant with DD and the problem went away.

Thanks, I often get comments about my NN. smile That bit still makes me laugh now "just think of a bag of crap" grin

WaitingForPancakeDay Mon 18-Feb-13 20:03:57

Hi Crapbag. Welcome back! I know what you mean about letting the little things go. My DH holds on quite tight in the same way too. It's amazing the influence our parents have on the way we bring up our children. You sound like you're being a fab mummy, recognising that your feelings are not 100% of your own making. I think everything we can do to cut out the rubbish bits of our own upbringing and emulate the good bits can only be a good thing. Your DS is a lucky little boy to have you as his mummy. smile p.s love your nn!

CrapBag Mon 18-Feb-13 16:42:49

Hi, only just come back on to MN, had a few days off after this thread.

I found those Clarks shoes recently thanks. They must be new as they didn't have them before. DS has the dinosaur ones in a normal shoe and I wanted a school version but couldn't get one. They will be the next pair of shoes we buy.

I have let it go with DS. Haven't even mentioned it and he has been scuffing them again. Oh well. live and learn.

I think I am terrified of failing as a parent due to my own 'mother' disowning me and I am convinced I will end up like her, don't know how as I would never leave my children then I lived with my nan and step grandad and he was very strict and I had to behave pretty much perfectly. We get on great now but he is still the same and I was very aware of how I had to behave. I have high standards of behaviour for my own children as I am so terrified of them growing up to be drop outs that I can be too hard on them. I am trying hard to change it and let the small things go. Its hard though as I had a first 4 years with a feckless mother who literally just upped and left one day, then the rest of my childhood with a very strict SGP who had extremely high standards. I am a bit mixed up really.

Waiting for the letter to come back confirming my appointment for CBT, although that isn't really for the issues raised here.

DewDr0p Thu 07-Feb-13 12:41:48

Are you around OP? I've also been wondering how you are?

lynniep Thu 07-Feb-13 12:10:35

sorry, I know I'm straying slightly and this is a bit more than a 'better shoes' issue for the OP, but I'm never going back to 'soft shoes' for DS1.

these have been the only pair so far to withstand his shoe wrecking capabilities.

How are you tonight OP?

DewDr0p Wed 06-Feb-13 18:58:50

OP on the Clarks website I can see two styles of boys school shoe with rubber toes - Stompo Day Inf and Rapto Fun Jnr. HTH

Try and be kind to yourself - we all make mistakes - parenting is hard.

nevergoogle Wed 06-Feb-13 16:48:26

oh dear, crapbag.
you sound very depressed and while school shoes have never been an issue, I have suffered from depression in the past so know how it feels to feel like you're really failing at everything. but, you need to know that your perspective is skewed by the depression and by what sounds like a difficult experience with your own mother. this is what kewcumber means by overreacting I'm sure. it's not nice to hear, but you do sound very sensitive at the moment.

the best parenting move you can make in my opinion is to discuss your feelings of failure, of wanting to leave with your doctor as soon as possible.

you are not a shit mother. it's just that when it comes to shoes,you're being a bit precious. although i suspect it's as a result of other worries. the shoes are not the real issue here.

can you think of all the things you know you do well as a parent? sometimes having crappy experiences as a child gives you different priorities.

please use this thread positively, there's nothing like a good flaming to help you think a little differently :D

PartTimeModel Wed 06-Feb-13 15:36:13

I just accept that they are school shoes. They are going to get scuffed. THAT'S THEIR JOB!!! Best I can do is choose ones that won't fall apart before DD grows out of them, which lets face it is going to happen fairly quickly.

That black 'polish' in a bottle covers all dirt and scuffs and smartens them up a bit when I remember to use it, though DD wants to do it herself now YAY!

schmoodles Wed 06-Feb-13 14:59:00

Oh OK, I have read more.

Yes, you sound depressed or that things are getting on top of you. Your son has done nothing wrong - just behaved like a little boy. I have a 6 year old.. they're a handful but you would go mad if you stressed over every little thing.

Try and relax and maybe see your doctor

schmoodles Wed 06-Feb-13 14:57:25

Are you real?

Unbelievable.

kicker Wed 06-Feb-13 14:56:47

Hi,
On a practical point, my DD was/is very hard on her shoes. All her shoes have toe bumpers on them (even the patent ones). So her school shoes don't wear out till they've grown out and they still look decent. Buy yourself a shoe gauge and source the style of shoe you need on the internet. These are comparable in price to Clarks if not a bit cheaper. www.amazon.co.uk/Richter-Shoes-Toddler-Waterproof-62-6732-2020/dp/B005GJ6RWK/ref=sr_1_2?s=shoes&ie=UTF8&qid=1360162517&sr=1-2

CrapBag Wed 06-Feb-13 14:54:25

The school states that trainers are not allowed though. Although I have seen them on some of the other boys but I wonder if the teachers have said anything. I do prefer shoes but I also want some that won't fall apart. Its a shame they don't do like the toddler shoes that have the big rubber bit at the front like my DS always used to have. They were great and I don't know why they don't do this for school shoes.

You are right about the shoes. I need to accept that they will get scuffed and deal with it.

Corygal Wed 06-Feb-13 14:51:50

OP, everyone YES every human being on the planet loses it about small things now and then - don't be hard on yourself! Please?

You sound like a fine mother to me, and I'm not just saying that. 5 year olds are not vessels of pure truth, to be honest, and sometimes they panic and fib. C'est la vie, innit.

See this as a fine reason to spend less on DS's shoes and more money on something nice that will last.

11Plustrauma Wed 06-Feb-13 14:44:02

Seriously don't buy expensive shoes for school again. Black trainers (Cica are the clarks ones I think)

And don't beat yourself up over it. Deep breath, back straight, stomach in, tits out, tuck your bum under and carry on.

CrapBag Wed 06-Feb-13 14:41:36

Thank you Kewcumber for telling me my feelings are overreacting. Very helpful hmm

Yes I admit after I posted this morning, I went upstairs and cried my eyes out over my parental failings. If I could drive at the moment, I would seriously want to leave. Luckily having a mother that left me realised the damage it does when a mother doesn't want her child and I would never do that to mine. However I do think that sometimes they would be better off with a better mother. I am a shit mother, I shout too much, I expect too much and I am not tolerant of childrens behaviour.

I have been reading my new book How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk. So far an interesting read.

And the comment about depression, my doctor has just recommended I have therapy, so maybe I have (yet again).

Helpyourself Wed 06-Feb-13 14:37:00

You're not a shit mother, this is fixable with a hug and not worrying about the shoes...
thanks

Kewcumber Wed 06-Feb-13 13:00:20

I think you are over-reacting in your response to us in just the same way you over-reacted to your ds. His behaviour(both shoe scuffing and the story-telling to avoid the consequences) seems very normal 5 year old behaviour to me. Do you socialise with his friends parents? IME its the best way to learn what's a reasonable expectation for any age group.

nevergoogle Wed 06-Feb-13 12:48:13

Out of the blue this morning, DS1 who's 8 said his friend "has just got new shoes and his mum says he can't get them dirty so now he doesn't run with me at out and about time". He said, "he's not even allowed to get the soles of his shoes dirty! that's what shoes are for!" he said.
Which strangely is what i posted on this thread earlier. Finally something DS1 and I actually agree on!

MechanicalTheatre Wed 06-Feb-13 12:40:15

Not a shit mother. Just chill out about stuff like shoes, it doesn't really matter.

PartTimeModel Wed 06-Feb-13 12:40:15

"You're" - <sigh>

PartTimeModel Wed 06-Feb-13 12:38:56

Your not a shit mother - you're a learning mother like us all! smile

BeaWheesht Wed 06-Feb-13 10:46:40

You're not a shit mother but I think you should read the replies rather than burying your head in the sand.

DewDr0p Wed 06-Feb-13 10:42:42

CrapBag I don't think you are a shit mother.

I do think it's normal for 5 year old boys to scrape their shoes though. And I think you overreacted a bit.

I nodded a lot at There was.never any incentive to tell the truth as she went mad about everything so I always thought it was worth giving lying a try. This is what my Mum was like too. However at 5 I just think the boundaries between truth and fiction can be a bit blurred. It might be he can't really remember what happened but feels that he needs to give some account of it?

I know how rubbish it is when you're worrying about every penny. We've had situations where something has got broken - really quite minor in the grand scheme of things - but I have just felt like crying because it's yet another £30 to conjure up out of thin air. You sound quite stressed and maybe that's the real issue you need to address?

Fwiw I've got 3 boys (youngest is 5 like yours) and have learned not to worry too much about what their shoes look like, as long as they fit and are functional. Definitely look into the rubber toed ones too.

steppemum Wed 06-Feb-13 10:34:58

CrapBag

You are not a shit mother.

We all have our moments and I also find it very frustrating when something that costs money gets trashed. The fact they can't understand that I can't replace it and there isn't any money to fix it, actually makes the frustration worse.

It is good at times to post on places like mn. It gives us some perspective and allows us to see ourselves through others eyes.

When it works at it's best, we reassess and use the advice to find a better more constructive way of dealing with things.

Making changes in our parenting is not being shit, it is learning and growing and becoming a better parent.

If you are very upset or fragile though, then posting on here in the way you did can be very hurtful, as people will repsond to the emotion in the post.

If you had posted 'I feel like a crap mother because I shouted at ds over his shoes' you would have had a quite different more supportive response.

Don't beat yourslef up. Today is a new day, take a breath, and start again smile

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