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Help - Mum of twins close to breaking point(14 Posts)
Please help me, i don't know where to turn. I cant sleep and i cant stop crying. My twins are now six months old and i feel i have not spent any quality time with them through worry. Two days ago i found myself kissing them goodbye as i felt i could no longer go on. I am scared i am going to do something rash if this does not get sorted.
In 2008 i asked my then out of work husband for a divorce after i discovered whilst transferring my mortgage that he had remortgaged our property by £130,000. I never saw a penny of this money. It was obvious i could no longer trust him, combined with the fact it was clear he did not want children and the years of resentment of financing his lifestyle while he lounged around at home pretending to the world he was a big businessman whilst i worked all hours was the last straw.
Thankfully the house was quite large and we managed to live separate lives in it amicably until we finally found a buyer for it in summer 2009. During this time we both dated other people. In April 2010 the sale finally went through and at his suggestion (he was 10 years older than me and had watched his sister and friends lose money through divorce) we agreed to split our finances without lawyers and do the divorce online to preserve what little cash we had. This was agreed in principle months before the sale and i have email evidence to the solicitor dealing with the sale of this split - i was to receive a larger amount due to the amount he had stolen from our mortgage account and the fact i had paid over £220,000 in mortgage repayments over the years whilst he had contributed nothing. Just weeks before he claimed he no longer agreed to this split and so i agreed reluctantly to sign over my property in Turkey to him worth around £100,000 at the time. He was happy with this. We then both put it in an email to the solicitor that this was how we were splitting our assets.
The day he moved out, i called an online company to start divorce proceedings. My ex then proceeded to avoid all my attempts to get a divorce. I moved on with my life, renovated a property and got pregnant with my current partner. I text my ex numerous times to ask for a divorce and nothing yet the minute i sold my property at a profit he started divorce proceedings and slapped a freezing order on my assets.
It turns out that within a month of receiving his share of the marital home he managed to lose £200,000 through gambling. He claims he has debts which are marital - they are not, they are to do with his failed businesses and a lifestyle that him and his girlfriend have led since him and i split. He is now trying to come after me for half of everything i have. My money has now been frozen for a year. The case went to court in April (whilst pregnant) to see if he should be held to the agreement but my ex argued that the case be adjourned as a full court hearing was needed and the judge agreed to it.This had an adverse affect on my blood pressure and ultimately resulted in pre eclampsia starting from week 16 of my pregnancy. Despite all the stress and reams of paperwork, I managed to make it to week 33 when my babies were born weighing 3,12lb and 4,6lb. They spent two weeks in NICU.
The new court case was set for October. The babies were just 3 months old and i managed to prepare all the documents on time and be at the court on time with babysitter and bags of expressed milk. My ex turned up with a suitcase of documents and managed to get the case adjourned again claiming he had not had enough time to prepare his case. The judge agreed! More costs, more agonising waiting time, my money still frozen.
It is now January and i am so distressed. I don't know where to turn. I cant buy a house. i am no nearer to getting a resolution. My solicitors bill is circa £120k yet there is still more to come and i believe they are straying further and further from the main argument - that we had an agreement, which there is email evidence of.
This is not the life i had planned for my babies. My partner and i are at each others throats and close to break up. I wake up every night in tears worrying about how i will care for my children and look after them financially. I have lost so much money on solicitors and don't know where to turn now. I am so low, that i am afraid that in a moment of madness i will do something rash. I do not want my children will end up growing up without a mother.
Please can someone help?
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered.
Hopefully someone wiser than me will be along soon.
I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a horrible time. Have you seen citizen's advice bureau for financial advice? Can any of your assets be held in trust for the children so he can't touch them?
Regardless of financial worries it seems like this has all (understandably!!) taken it's toll on your mental health. Please see your gp and call health visitor. It sounds like you might have post natal depression and you need more support. If you are having thoughts of ending it all please seek help today. If not see your gp tomorrow. Urgent appointment...do not let reception put you off. Tell them it is personal you don't have to say what it"s about but you need an urgent appt. As a gp i would want to see you and be glad that you had come. You"re having a terrible time and it"s ok to need help at this time.
Have you got any other rl support you can get in today?
Your life and the twins having a mother are worth far more than your financial issues.
Your finances will get sorted. Try and focus on a three or five year plan. I presume you're renting since you say you can't get a mortgage so take some control back by saying right I'm going to rent for three years and then I'll be able to buy because this financial mess will be sorted out by then.
You're in control of your happiness. Don't let your finances pull you down. Your partner can't actually do anything with the situation you have with your ex so don't argue with him about it. Question also how much you talk to your partner about it. If it dominates your conversations with him you need to reduce it.
You have a partner. You have two babies. The money situation will get sorted. Take a step back and examine what you're in control of. Your life shouldn't be dominated by your ex.
I really feel for you. Divorce is hard at anytime. I went through a very messy divorce nearly 10 years ago which caused me massive financial difficulties but i got through it and you will too.
Firsty, phone your GP first thing in the morning. They will probably prescribe you anti-depressants, and arrange counselling as this will help. Anti-depressants are not evil, nor do they mean you are weak or any of those old fashioned stereotypes. They are a helping hand to get you back to a place where you can cope and then try to deal with the bigger issue.
Next, try to create some sort of plan to have some quality time with your partner and babies. Even if its just 10 minutes to sit down together and read the babies a story before bed.
Worrying about everythig is very overwhelming. Break it down into smaller parts, like right now forget about a mortgage and just think about the next few weeks. Thats not to say a mortgage isnt important but nothing you do in te next week is going to change that so put that to the back of your mind to worry about at a later date.
Also, get out of the house every day if you can. A good walk in the fresh air will do wonders for your mood, and a change of scenery always helps.
You are reaching out for help so you know in the back of your mind somewhere that you dont want to do anythig stupid and you just want a life you are happy with.
Just wanted to give you a huge virtual hug <<>>
I am a mum of twins, which is exhausting in itself, you will get through this. It all sounds so horribly unfair. Agree you should see your GP, I have no knowledge of the legalaties of divorces, hope someone can help.
Just take it a day at a time
Big Hug to you.
Suggest perhaps repost in Legal as this isn't a parenting problem.
evil ex-husband problem
Thank you all, i think i am very possibly feeling very very low and it scares me. I have tried twice to talk to my GP now but each time i end up talking about a physical problem or the babies illnesses instead of how i am feeling.
I know i need some help but everything just seems too much at the minute. My babies are the most important thing. I am just so angry at myself that this is happening when i have worked so hard all of my life to ensure that i would be able to give them everything in life i never had, a home with two parents. I feel like i've failed before i have even gotten started.
Awww you poor thing, i feel for you, its just not nice for a mother of little ones to have this much stress let alone be put in that situation whilst pregnant,
i cant believe how your ex could try and rinse every penny out of you,
i am pregnant too now 5 and a half months and i thought i had stress at the moment, i really would like to help but when there are legal matters such as divorce i have no where to start because i have never married, sometimes this is why i dont marry because you never know what your partner will be like once you split, i really hope you sort this out, please dont do anything, your babies need you no matter how much you feel stressed.
Lulu I think you should write down what you want to say to the dr. Book yourself an appointment, and if you don't feel up to speaking to the dr, just give him/her the note.
They will not judge you and you really need some help here, you will get through this and I hope someone in legal can help with the practicalities of fixing this divorce. For now you need to focus on your health, keep posting
Op - have you shared your problem with anyone apart from your partner? The reason I ask is because a huge weight can come off your shoulders if you feel you're not alone. This is because you don't need to pretend to them that everything is okay when things aren't which in itself is exhausting.
Some counselling may help just to give you a release. Please talk to your GP. View it as a step forward in the right direction.
You haven't failed ... so long as you are alive for them. You are all they need - not a nice house, material possessions etc. Hang on in there OP and please see your Dr. Please print this out and take to her/him if you can't talk.
You are doing amazingly. Six months in is very tiring for any parent once the sleep deprivation catches up with you, let alone with twins and a nasty divorce going on in the background.
Lulu How are you doing today?
Lulu Hope you are doing ok, do come back and let us know how you are getting on.
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