Feel awful for yanking my DS around....

(12 Posts)
HankeringForSun Fri 16-Nov-12 08:05:30

Now they've gone off to school I'm sitting here feeling so awful (again).

Do you ever find yourself squeezing your DC's arm just a little (or a lot) too hard out of fury or exasperation? I'm wondering if I have an anger problem that borders on abuse. God awful feeling.

DS, almost 5 years old, has never been motivated to get dressed, or get his jacket on etc. When it comes to going outside he's the slowest person in the world. I would literally take about 4 or 5 hours if I let it.

Being late for school is not an option.... there are emails being sent out about it and I can't take the stress of any more lateness. I ask him calmly several times, do everything in the book to get him to work with me. But he just sits there singing to himself at best and turns to seriously annoying behaviour like copying me as I talk to him, immitating, throwing things, laughing etc etc. Meanwhile I'm dressing his younger sister and trying to breathe because I"m also going to be late for work.
I give him a warning and he just carries on and I just flip. Tell him (yell at him) to go upstairs, anti social behaviour etc and he just refuses or laughs. This happens really often. I grab him with the intention of taking him to the stairs myself and in grabbing him I feel the grip of rage on his arm which is shocking for both of us.

Does anyone else feel this kind of anger when handling maddening situations with their kids?

I feel justified in my anger but not in my actions.

Feeling worried.

sniff. Don't want to be an awful agressive mum and don't want to take any crap either.

not really looking for comments on disciplining etc. Trying to get help with finding more constructive ways to deal my anger/frustration.

QTPie Fri 16-Nov-12 08:46:32

Have you tried incentives for getting ready on time? A sticker reward chart, if he gets a week's worth. Of stickers, then a treat?

QT

LadyKinbote Fri 16-Nov-12 09:01:37

Don't feel bad. We all have those moments but if it's happening a lot you'll need to find a way round it. I second sticker charts (or bribery of any kind!). I don't give DD her breakfast till she's dressed and put her coat on myself.

Pyrrah Fri 16-Nov-12 12:47:10

BTDT.

Bribery is the only thing that works with DD. We have a bag and 100 wooden stars, a prize is chosen (generally something decent she really wants - trip to cinema, princess dress, sparkly shoes etc) and she has to get all 100 stars in the bag. Every evening we have star time before bed and she can both gain and lose stars and we can discuss why they are lost and praise for gaining. Takes her about 5-7 weeks to get the 100.

Won't work for all children, but finding your child's currency is very useful!

Also recommend 1,2,3 Magic and 'Setting boundaries with your strong-willed child'

Dressing for school is an easy one though. Put the clothes in a bag and dump him at school in his pyjamas with the bag. DD is scared stiff I will follow-through on that one!

LargeLatte Fri 16-Nov-12 23:15:58

Ahh Hankering I could've written your post a couple of years ago. A few things that might help -
*Maybe ds is feeling resentful that you dress dd and not him. My ds1 is really jealous of ds2 so I help ds1 put his socks and shoes on - I still remember how comforting it was when my Nan rolled my socks on and straightened them up - a really caring gestures and only takes a few seconds.

*Could you have both dc's clothes in the same room, maybe the lounge. No trips upstairs, easy to keep an eye on him if he needs help with something.

*Try setting an alarm for around 5 minutes before you need to leave. Make sure that you, dd and any bags etc are 100% ready when that alarm goes off. Then make up something you need to do that will take a minute "I just need to strap dd into the car / load bags / load dishwasher and then we're leaving" as an indirect hurry up.

* Or set the alarm and make sure he knows that is the time you are leaving and if he is not ready by then he is getting in the car in his pjs and he'll have to put his school uniform on at school (the horror). You could even clear this with the school in advance if you really think you will need to follow through with it. Just make sure you leave the house early enough for him to get changed before school starts.

* Or set the alarm and he gets a sticker for being ready before if goes off, and if he isn't ready in time you help him finish off.(again you need to leave enough time for this).

* Split up the times that the children get dressed. Can you dress / help dress one dc while the other eats breakfast?

Blimey there's a lot of ideas - can you tell that ds1 gives me the run around blush

Mrsrobertduvallsaysboo Sat 17-Nov-12 10:20:29

This would get to me too op.
Does ds like school....and his teacher?

Maybe he/she could have a word with him about not being late. Your ds may listen to them!

I sometimes get this problem but there are 5 of them (between 8 months and 8 years) so if they are messing around and we are behind schedule I line them up ub the living room with their cloths basket in front of them and shove the clothes on them myself, it takes a fraction of the time it does to have them do it themselves. I have a production line of dressing. Its not ideal I know - they SHOULD do it themselves every day and eat their breakfast and get to school with lovely hair etc.
But they get to school are never late and are mostly dressed so it will do!.

oh and when ds was in reception he went through a phase of refusing to walk. (going limp on the floor outside the front door) So I strapped him in the buggy one day and took him in - after the looks he got he neve bothered again.

LargeLatte Sat 17-Nov-12 18:30:10

5dcs - I am one of 4 kids, and my mum said she's sure she was dressing us until we went to secondry school otherwise we'd've never left the house. Youngest brother ate breakfast in buggy on way to school. Needs must. I am perfectly capable of dressing myself now so obviously didn't have any long term damaging effects smile

Lavenderhoney Sat 17-Nov-12 18:37:48

Well, my ds can be abominably slow to get ready for school. I instigated no breakfast or coming out of room til dressed. He has realised now he can watch tv if he is ready, otherwise he is munching toast in the car.

I have a military organisation in the morning. Would it help to do a time chart for you ? Ie , leave at 8.00. Shoes on bags ready at 7,55...etc to find out where the gaps are and how you could reorganise?

I leave clothes out the night before and ds helps. He is ok, but needs me to help, ie watch? I factor it insmile he is 5.

I feel for you. I have ds1 age just 5,ds2 age 3.5 and ds3 age 1.5. Ds1 likewise just takes forever and whilst he easily can get dressed likes me to help which when I need to leave at 8 to drop him at school is so infuriating.
Recently I started bringing all the kids clothes downstairs to the kitchen every night and I keep toothbrush etc there.
Ds 1 has responded brilliantly to a competition to see if he can put pants and best on before I count to 20 etc which is only helped by ds2 and ds3 getting quite excited and joining in the counting. We are down to 11 seconds for pjs and slippers on, 20 seconds for underwear on etc etc
As to the "rage" yes I get that and very occasionally have grasped him very roughly by the shoulders and then put him in a different room so I can calm down. I torture myself whenever I have done this and have got much better so I have only done it once in 5 months and that was down to feeling rubbish and like I was going to faint (difficult pregnancy at moment). I will continue to endeavour to never let it happen again.
It doesn't even really work - offering an extra 10 minutes Lego or iPad as a reward is far far more effective.

sashh Tue 20-Nov-12 10:02:30

Dressing for school is an easy one though. Put the clothes in a bag and dump him at school in his pyjamas with the bag. DD is scared stiff I will follow-through on that one!

I was just thinking the same

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