Hello,
I am Mum to a 9 month old little girl who is beautiful and so sweet and I love her very much but I feel I am a useless mother to her and she deserves so much better.
Everytime I try to settle her into a routine something happens to derail it.....I am also caring for my elderley parents who are ill and my husband who has got a growth on his brain which requires urgent treatment. At a time when I want to and should be prioritising my little girl's needs I feel I am having to spread myself thin supporting others. :(
Also the lack of routine is stopping us from going to baby groups and soft play etc.....she falls asleep bang on midday for a nap, gets up at 9am at the earliest etc......I feel guilty....I want to take her to baby gorups, she enjoys them so much when she goes, as the HV said 'she will just be bored at home'. Are these groups really so beneficial? Why do I feel so awful when we can't make it to them?
Recently she has been teething and waking up for 2 hours in the night and I am attending to her alone as hubby can't as if he does he gets epileptic seizures :(. I don't mind but then I am massively sleep deprived and sometimes so tired I feel unable to play with her and talk to her with the necessary energy.....one day I felt so dizzy and had a migraine I was struggling to look after her because of it. I sometimes just let her play on the rug so I can watch her while she plays with toys and have CBeebies on in the background so she is being entertained if the playing gets boring for her........guiltily acknowledging that she shouldn't be watching any tv at all at her age, but I do not know what else to do sometiimes, esp when I have chores I need to do etc and hubby is working until late...I get too tired and just want her to play on her own for a bit.
Then this morning I felt so bad but she was trying to crawl out of my arms and as I was holding something that could break if I dropped it as well I ended up snapping and saying in a very stern and loud voice 'NO'...she loocked stunned and I wanted to cry...I was just trying to stop her from falling onto a wooden floor :(. I am such a bad mum for talking to her like that though.
I just want her to be happy and safe.......I want her to be in a routine and don't know how to do this. My confidence is at an all time low.......I constantly have mum in law and sisters in law telling me 'oh she is out too late' to things THEY have organised, 'oh she isn't hungry why are you feeding her' when I know she is hungry, 'oh why are you giving her baby food from a jar' when we are out....'my friend never talks about her baby in front of her'....'why is she always wearing pink'....'why are you still breastfeeding her for 2 feeds a day'...........'why aren't you giving her hot food' when her food is warm enough (she hates it hot) etc etc etc etc........my every move judged at every chance........constantly questioned....
So I am sat here whilst my little angel sleeps........feeling like crying, feeling a failure, feeling I do notdeserve her because when she is up in the night and I am so tired I could fall down I am thinking 'for the love of God just shut up and go to sleep' and sometimes have snapped and muttered shut up under my breathe.........I am an awful person :( I don't deserve my daughter at all....... :( please help.
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Finding it so hard to be a good Mummy and feel everyone is criticising me :(
14 replies
Crazysouthallian · 13/11/2012 14:19
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