How can we help new DS have good mental wellbeing?

[JC777]

Mental ill-health in family includes depression, anxiety and a suicide a couple of generations ago. So we guess that means new DS is at risk.

What should we do to make sure he has good mental wellbeing?
make sure he feels loved, secure, attached? if we have more, treat all children equally? not set high demands and expectations? not let him see role model depressed or anxious behaviour?

Where do we go for advice on parenting for mental wellbeing? Would it be good if Mumsnet gave advice?

(Mental ill-health seems like the 'elephant in the room'; c.1/3 of GP time now spent on it... everyone seems to have stories.... huge suffering...)

Do you mean he's your new baby?

I think the main thing is actually to not expect perfection. You may yourself have some MH issues one day... So may DS if he is predisposed (or just randomly, it could happen to anyone).

Just parent him, love him, don't do anything differently because of this history. Trying to prevent something that may be inevitable is impossible. And if it happens? Well, you'll deal with it, because you are armed with understanding and experience.

FWIW I am totally fucked up, years of depression and self harm, abuse, the list goes on. Same with DH. You know what though? My DD is the happiest, liveliest little girl I've ever seen. She's popular, doing well at school, well behaved. In a way I don't know how that happened :o but I think the fact that we LOVE her has something to do with it. That's really more important than any history.

Good mental wellbeing means encouraging resilience. Rolling with the punches. The happiest people are not those that never have problems but those that can deal with problems constructively and move on. Practical, unconditional love is the absolute cornerstone because it gives children the confidence to succeed and - very important when developing resilience - the confidence to fail.

Nothing wrong with setting high expectations or demands as long as they're realistic and flexible. Meeting challenges is very rewarding. Nothing wrong with a child seeing anxious or depressed behaviour in others as long as it is explained. Children are unsettled by fake behaviour whereas understanding others develops empathy. Above all, as illustrated above, get to know your child as an individual rather than presume they will be like yourself or others in the family.

I think the most important thing is to behave in a consistantly loving and responsive way towards your ds. If he forms a strong attachment with his parents that's half the battle won in my book.

Rolemodelling can be important too, when he'sa bit older - healthy lifestyle can reduce the risk of mental illness, knowing how to resolve disputes and socialise with other people will make life easier.

I totally agree that mental wellbeing isn't emphasised enough.

Yes I agree too, there is so much pressure on getting our kids to read (for example) but not enough info on just helping them be happy. It is so backwards! And of course there is massive stigma about mental health issues.

I made a conscious decision when DD started school that the biggest priority was that she is settled and happy, being 'above average' or whatever is just not that important right now.

Cognito sums it up perfectly IMHO.

I'm also worrying about the same things in a way - childhood abuse, self harm, depression blah blah - though what I've found so far to be my biggest difficulty to overcome is trying to understand why my mother found it so easy to hurt me now that I have my own little DD and only want to love and protect her. I used to condone my mother by saying to myself that it's tough being a parent and it must've been my fault in some way. Now I know its possible to parent a child without beating the living daylights out of it, and I'm having to work hard at faking my relationship with my mother so that DD doesn't see the real situation.

I think Love is the biggy. If a child feels loved they can cope with anything.

Also I think it's great that you're very self aware.

What fuzzpig said in her first post, and Cogito. There isn't a recipe or medicine that will 100% ensure that your ds never has mental health problems. It won't be a failure on your part if he does. But ordinary loving parenting will go a long way to help him to deal with any problems that crop up.

Dd has severe depression and anxiety. I don't think it's anything I've done: she is an almost complete replica of my mum as far as physical and psychological make-up go. But what I have done has made a huge difference: I have (I think) taught her that there is nothing to be ashamed of in who she is, that you can talk about these issues, I have showed her how to access help and her father and I have demonstrated resilience in the face of the problems affecting her family. More than that I cannot do. But I think it makes one hell of a difference compared to not doing it.

Thanks everyone. Sounds like good advice; be loving, consistent, and enabling attachment.

Truth is though it also sounds like we're amateurs; I'm surprised health visitors etc don't give clear guidance on this, based on real research rather than what we assume to be true.

For instance CogitoErgoSometimes says "Nothing wrong with setting high expectations or demands as long as they're realistic and flexible." but is it easy to judge what is realistic? I've read many MH life stories where high parental expectations seemed to be a key catalyst in tipping into mental-ill-health.

Fuzzpig your DD situation sounds great. Do you think your own problems are due to your childhood experiences, and because your DD has had very different childhood experiences she will not have same problems?

Mine is complicated. I have been depressed for a really long time. I was also sexually abused by my uncle and the way it was dealt with was far, far worse than anything he did to me - eg my mum begged me not to prosecute. My parents are loving but they were never aware of a child's needs, and never thought to find out (like you are with this post!). I just existed alongside them.

However I've also always felt that even without the abuse I would be as fucked up as I am. Last week I actually posted about everything and the upshot is I have a referral for an Aspergers assessment. So now I'm not really sure of anything. I do know though that had my parents been more 'on the ball' they might have got me help earlier. They are passive, not fighters at all.

Sorry I'm waffling (my head is a bit of a mess these last few weeks!) - re: my DD, there was a determination to be excellent parents - and I certainly put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect, which contributed to PND - but actually MN has helped a lot with realising I can relax. I have no idea if she will ever have problems, I think genetically she may be more likely but all I can do is give her as secure a base as I can.

I went to a parenting / councelling speech the other day where one (at least) good comment was uttered. Your children want / need to be loved by you and will look for confirmations of this love on a permanent basis. The best thing you can do is praise them regularly, be as descriptive as possible (e.g. wow, look how quickly you dressed up this morning/ put your shoes on, or you're eating your dinner very well, you are such a clever monkey, look at you holding your spoon on your own, etc...) Throwing well dones from time to time is not as effective as showing your child that you see what they do, or hear/ listen to them, and tell them what you like about them as often as you can. Your child will then want to repeat what they've done well to continue to receive the praise/ love. My partner was never praised as a child, even though he excelled at school for example and is he is very dark/ negative character now. I wish his parents had spent more time paying attention to him and telling him how well he does, how small the accomplishment. All we want is be understood and loved, giving that impression to your child is the most important thing (in my book).

This book might be useful to you.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0767911911/?tag=googhydr-21&hvadid=5114085905&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1429517468870220334&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&ref=pd_sl_5mz5v8otq0_b

or

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Optimistic-Child-Depression-Resilience/dp/0618918094/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331719016&sr=1-1

or
www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331719084&sr=1-1

or www.amazon.co.uk/Human-Givens-Approach-Emotional-Thinking/dp/1899398317/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331719177&sr=1-1

I also think working on social skills, both yours and his. For example you might consider joining a community group like a church or doing voluntary work.

However I think a lot factors that affect health are in the genes. We all experience suffering in life. A good childhood can only go so far to protect someone from mental health problems. Your son is lucky to have someone who is prepared to go the extra mile.

Thanks ReallyTired. CogitoErgoSometimes mentioned resilience as well; I've ordered the book...

I have a strong history of mental issues on my father's side of the family (depression, suicide attempt and OCD and the sufferers are otherwise high functioning individuals with high paying jobs).

I was a happy child myself but struggled with severe depression and anxiety during my mid and late twenties. I was working in different countries, away from my family and somehow became a highly neurotic person. However, things changed for me after meeting my DH.

What helped my situation was the fact that my DH accepted me wholly and competely and encouraged me to become more socially engaged - meet new people, go out with friends, volunteer, join club etc. He is a very relaxed and confident person and it rubbed on me a little bit as well. Sometimes even now, I lapse into depression, but I think I have developed better ability to cope with it and snap out of it quickly.

So based on my experience, you should give your son unconditional acceptance, provide ample opportunities to your son to meet and interact with other children and adults and allow him to be honest about his emotions.

My mum and nan always say "First you give them roots, then you give them wings" which for me sums it up. Essentially i think this means give them a happy, loving, stable, secure environment in which they feel free and confident to explore the world and gain a growing independence that will one day see them ok in life. In a practical sense, stuff like:

Let them fall over occasionally, but always be there to kiss them better and show them how to do it better next time

Let them win sometimes, but let them lose other times so they can see that they are still valued even when they don't succeed but that not everything will go their way in life

Let them cry occasionally, but always be there to help them calm down when they can't do it for themselves

Let them laugh and play a lot, but provide some boundaries when they understand more about the world around them and how their actions can affect other people

Show them respect, manners, courtesy and kindness and they will treat others that way

Let them see anger and sadness occasionally because they're real, but let them also see that people are resilient and the bad times don't last forever

I suppose finally, don't suppose that your LO is predisposed to mental ill health and there is nothing you can do about it. And this includes not getting too hung up on trying to do everything perfectly. Go with a flow but stay true to your values, whatever they are.

matana I loved your post.

Thanks ReallyTired, i must be in a philosophical mood today