Mumsnet Talk

Am in a real dilemma and need some impartial advice. My dd is 5 and in her first year at school. Since nursery she has been great friends with another little girl. We live very close to one another and socialise with her parents. We also have lots of friends in common. The girls have, in more recent months, had quite a volatile friendship - lots of ups and downs - just the usual playground stuff, but are basically very attached to one another. I've started to get the impression that the other girls mum is blaming my dd for the volatile nature of the friendship and, while I agree that it would be nice for them to become more independent of one another, I also think that little girls will be little girls and that they will grow out of it. The other night my dd said that the other girl had said that her mum i.e. my friend "hated" my dd but that she still wanted to be her friend. My dd is very upset and has asked why her best friend's mum hates her. It is somebody that she knows and trusts so to hear this is devastating for her. My dd is def telling the truth and got v upset when she felt I was questioning whether or not she was being honest with me. Have been stewing for 48 hours now. What should I do bearing in mind I feel I have to address this for my dd's sake but equally repercussions if we were to fall out could be even more unsettling for my dd. And I have to face her at the school gate tomorrow. Help please!!

Oh no, this sounds so stressful for you, I saw this in unanswered posts and didn't want to read and run. I think in your shoes I would slowly stop spending as much time with the other mum and arrange some playdates with other children for her. As for talking to her about it, I'm a wimp and would try to avoid it. Hopefully another mner will be along soon though with some advice on how to challenge her.

Oh, that's really hard. I think unlike teaandcake I would say something to your friend, ie the mum. But I would try really hard to do it in a non-confrontational, sort of tentative, have-I-got-the-wrong-end-of-the-stick way, e.g. maybe bring up the issue over coffee and say 'isn't it nice our dds have a good friendship, but they do argue, don't they? ha ha. Actually, my dd was a bit upset because her friend said maybe you were cross with her or something? Or did that get all mixed up?'
etc. And see what she says.

If they have a volatile relationship then could the other girl be making this up to upset your dd and the mum not have actually said it at all? I think you have to say something to the other mum. How awful for you. My DD and her bf are exactly the same. They are like an old married couple, I love listening to them going on.

"If they have a volatile relationship then could the other girl be making this up to upset your dd and the mum not have actually said it at all?" That is a good point.

never fall out with an adult about children.

speak to school. see less of them. it'll pass/sort itself out.

I think that this can happen quite often when children start school. They have to gradually make their own friends, rather than being friends with their parents' friends' children (if that makes sense).

I think you should let them distance themselves a little bit and make new friends at school. Cut down the time they spend together - not in an obvious way, but maybe just let them meet when you are meeting the mother, rather than having lots of playdates.

I have a very good friend whose son is in the same class at school as ds2. The boys have known each other since they were babies, but had a couple of rocky years when they were first in school. They are very different, and wouldn't naturally be friends, but were thrown together through us. We left them be, neither encouraged or discouraged them from seeing each other outside school, and they developed an interesting relationship - they weren't friends at all in school, would never choose "playdates" with eachother, but got on very well when the two families were out together.

Interestingly, now they are teenagers they get on well. But they wouldn't have done if we had pushed them.

Finally, don't get upset yourself. Your dd is going to fall out with lots of friends in the next ten years or so. As her mother you have to be the voice of reason, not get emotionally involved, and just let things go with the flow a bit.

And I would ignore (as much as possible) the "she said", "he said" stuff - no 5 year old is reliable. The other girl may or may not have repeated what her mother said, but you can't solve that. You just deal with your own dd.

I agree with teaandcake, I wouldn't say anything to the other mum, particularly if you value the friendship - someone once gave me the advice that you have to consider whether the relationship is worth more than the issue and if it is leave it alone, although your dd will still need some sort of an explanation. I think I would try to give the friendship a bit of time out and arrange other playdates for a while too, It is a hard one for you and I hope it works out well.

Thanks all - advice much appreciated. Think distancing ourselves from them is - at least for the mo - a good solution. Just feel so bad for my dd but guess I do need to toughen up as many more years of these kinds of issues to come.

it's difficult, my middle child is very 'overt' and not remotely sneaky (verging on histrionic) people know she is very easily provoked. therefore it makes her fairly easy to be scapegoated when it's all kicking off.

if things aren't going well now we just say 'oh maybe it's time to finish this playing as you seem to be squabbling/not getting on' which tends to stop the grassing up/squabbling.

I agree with TSC dont fall out with another parent over a childs squabble. You and the other parent will be ignoring each other and the kids will be best buddies again!

Its just part of learning and children do fall in/fall out at alarming rates; especially girls.

Invite some of the other girls over for a playdate/tea and get some other interests for your DD that your friends DD doesnt do.

I understand how upset you are, but you really have to toughen up.

I would start to spread her friendship net a bit wider for her, invite others over for playdates or tea. They may still choose to spend the majority of time together but at least your dd will see its not her only option. Girls are a nightmare tbh, my DD has had one particular attachment that lasted from nursery (and through a brief school move) and whilst it's nice it's always at the back of my mind that I want DD to be able to mix more.

Wouldn't go too gung ho with your friend. No matter how convinced of your DD's innocence in this you are kids have been known to get completely the wrong end of the stick.

I agree with jaxteller, I had a similar situation with my youngest dd when she was in reception she had known my friends dd since pre school and saw her a lot socially. The other girl was quite dominant and the teacher remarked that she wished they would play with other children. I asked a few others back for play dates and this worked. My dd is now much more confident with lots of friends and is in year 2 . She has after a year gone back to referring to my friends dd as her bf - no harm done