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In the past week Ds 5 years and an only, has been asking why he doesn't have a baby brother or sister. Yesterday he said it again 'I wish I had a sister to play with' my heart broke. How do I explain to him I can't have any more children. I know it gets lonely for him at times. I try very hard to fix play dates for him. This last two weeks I've found it hard as I've had to work 5 days instead of normal part-time 3 so his feeling are more acute. Any advice welcomed.

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Thank you Pitchounette I'll tell it to him straight. & keep up the play dates. He just loves people.

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Exactly the same experience for me as Pitchounette, although I still don't know why my mum and dad chose to have no more children. The stock response was always, "Because we got everything we wanted when we had you." Which is clearly bollocks.

I'd have loved a sibling, but I don't think not having one has really affected me, tbh.

I think all children say this sort of thing, whether they are an only or not. My two girls are constantly asking for a baby brother. which they ain't getting. They also ask CONSTANTLY for a 'big sister'. I understand you have a lot of personal pain (and guilt, don't we all), but please don't feel that HE is feeling the same as you. He is just expressing normal child's feelings about exploring the idea of different models of family.

"Which is clearly bollocks."

Thank you, yep I do have to deal with my own pain. I would have loved a daughter or another son (but only one just like his brother)He is precious and I had three siblings to share stuff with but to be honest I wasn't a big fan of playing with them!

My DS is only 5 months, but I have been thinking about that very question as he will be an only due to many health issues and my age (I am 40).

I really do think the truth is the best answer. 'Mummy just wasn't able to have any other children. But your all she really needs anyway!'

Or something along those lines, age appropriate, of course!

Tee2072 I was 40 years when I had DS. Your right he'll have to cope with the hand he was dealt. I was one of 4 to an alcoholic gambler dad and a very complex nutty mother, so hey! My Dad did nothing with us not even feed us,when mum once left us all day with him!. DS has a fab Dad that changed nappies looks after him on his own at times. feed him his fav sausages, broccoli & pasta So yes the truth will be the best.

I agree with Tee - simple, unembroidered truth. Detail can come later if necessary. DH has taken it upon himself to try to explain to DD (also 5) that we didn't have any more children because of my PND. DD, for some reason, now thinks I am 'not allowed' to have any more children.

I'd tell him straight too. I would have liked another child too...

I have two, but their Dad is a deadbeat who'd rather buy cars than put his children's needs even on the middle of his list of priorities. So, like you say, all in all your son has been dealt a good hand, and honest answers should help.

don't feel obliged to go mad with playdate though! they're hard work, and my two only fight anyway. The reality is, he's missing out on a lot more fighting than playing!

Another vote here for simple truth (without unnecessary detail). What also helps in my case is that I can say that I'm too old now to have another baby.

<<Waves to DontHauntMeBaby>>

<<waves at MadBad>>

I really need to revert back to my normal name before it's time to a Christmas name, don't I?

Children are never quite happy with their lot. It's easier to dismiss when you feel they SHOULD be happy with it. I have absolute confidence in telling DD she can't have an animatronic kitten because she has TWO real ones, but heart strings get tugged on the (very rare) occasions she says she'd like a sibling.

This has reminded me of something I read in How To Talk So Kids Will Listen .... (must be in the first chapter or so as I never got to the end of the book). Their suggestion (as I remember it) is that if your child makes a demand which is impossible to meet - ice cream for breakfast, a pony or (by implication) a sibling - then instead of explaining why it's not possible, you should say "Yes, wouldn't that be great! We could have tutti frutti/ride to the beach/take the baby to the park ... etc". The theory, I think, is that that converts the wish into a fantasy and so it can be indulged on that level.

I'm not sure, though, how that conversation would work when it's about something that the parent actually wants too. As DHMB says, heart strings are involved then. Of course, it's different again if the parent is happy with their lot.

I always think that parents who can't have any more children transfer their negatice feelings about it on to their children. They may not set out to do this intentionally but they do it nonethless.

If socialised into this mindset of "missing out" on siblings it's obvious they will feel that way too.

If you're only human you wont be able to hide your feelings of disappointment about not being able to provide your DS with a sibling but I have to say that I think this is your issue that he's picking up on, not his own. he is being socialised into your mindset and picking up on it to the point that it is informing his own agenda.

Most probably, whether you meant to do it or not, I think you've set the agenda for him and your constant feelings of guilt will only exacerbate and fuel the negative issue in his mind that you have planted there.

This is probably a fairly common pattern of behaviour among parents who wish they could have more than one child but can't and might explain why so many only children grow up wishing that they'd had siblings - it's them picking up on their parents guilt and negativity that has made them feel like they are missing out.

I have an only by choice.
I was sterilised at 30 (I'll be 32 next week <eek>)
DD asked about a sibling a few times when she was younger, and I just said simply no, it won't happen.
I love her and I don't want to have more children. She accepted it and now, at 8 she's old enough to know I can't have any more and I've chosen it.

I do think they pick up on whether you want more or not.

DD would now tell you everything positive about being an only child, because in my family (single parent, only child but we are just as much a family as a two by two) it is positive, but when you don't have an only by choice they pick up on that too, and perhaps feel something is missing.

Having one child can be great but you have to feel that and embrace it to make the most of it.

It's simple - if you have positive experiences of having one child (i.e it was your choice) your child will not grow up to see it as odd or undesirable.

Conversely, if you have negative experiences of it and hang ups about it too, then your child will pick up on them and will grow upto have negative experiences of the being an only child too.

I think there's a lot of truth in what StrawberryBeret says

I'm struggling with this issue currently too

Worth noting that dc tend to only look at the fun side of potential siblings and not the bits about having to share, having to be patient and wait their turn etc etc

Also just wanted to add :
it's really great Starbear that your ds "loves people". If he is going to be an only child then that is quite the best personality-type to have and it will stand him in good stead for the future!!

Well, StrawberryBeret's typically trenchant view lacks shades of grey - there is (I think) a middle ground of people who did not choose to have one child but have still found it to be a very positive experience - but I do agree that there is nothing (or almost nothing) good or bad but thinking makes it so.

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My dd asked for a long time about a sibling, we simply explained that my tummy didn't work properly and wouldn't make any more babies.
As she got older and learnt about how babies are made, where they come from she got a more scientific answer (that she could understand at her age) and she is fine with that.
I do have a step daughter as well so I guess that helps her in our case.

I do think that being honest rather in an age appropriate way is mostly the best policy though.

you could tell him mummy has a sore tummy? (sorry don't know your exact reasons...)

Or you could point out all the negative things about siblings/babies?

hi - i don't contribute very often so I hope its ok to join in?! - my dd who is very nearly 5 also asks about siblings although this has calmed down of late as I think she has given up as one hasn't materialised!

anyway - i do agree with previous posts about being careful not to transfer negative feelings about not being able to have more dc onto your son but I would also argue that kids are able to form their own opinions about what they see as the 'benefit' of having a sibling however much you 'big' up how great it is to be a one child family. My dd often asks/questions why she is on her own after visiting families of more than one despite our very positive discussions about our 'perfect' family of 3. I think we should respect that they understand the differences between their families and those of more than one and there are positives and negatives of both!

not sure I got my point across - apologies if not!

My friend has one dd and she just tells her she is so perfect you cant improve upon it and her heart is full of love just for her ...