17 Month old beautiful baby boy & pregnant again with very mixed feelings...

[mrshoneybee]

Hello, I hope this is the right place to post, apologies and flames accepted if not! I am new to Mumsnet, so bear with me...

I have a beautiful 17 month old son, who was conceived as a total surprise when I had been with my partner (now husband) for about 16 months...

...we had an 'emergency' but very lovely wedding when I was 6 months pregnant, and things were a "sort of" bliss until about 3 months post-partum when everything seemed to break down...

...to cut a long short, by the time DS was one, we had separated numerous times, and a few weeks after DS's 1st birthday, DH filed for divorce :-(

After alot of negotiations and some lovely friend interventions, we began to have couples counselling, and subsequently have moved house and are all very happy together, in fact I think our relationship is better than it ever was :-)

We are both in agreement that we would like more children, and due to our ages (I am mid-30's, DH is late 30's) we thought we would start "trying" (and by that all I mean is not using contraception, rather than a full-on conception mission!) thinking it would take us at least a year...famous last words...I am now about 8 weeks pregnant, and I feel awful - I am wracked with guilt that I will not be able to give DS enough of my time and love, and am worried this has happened to soon after our, albeit brief, separation at the beginning of the year.

I am worried that other people, friends, family, colleagues etc will all be having similar thoughts, & I feel ashamed that I was stupid enough to conceive again with no planning, and I equally feel terribly guilty that many people struggle to conceive, and I should be extremely grateful for this.

I love DS so so very much, I cannot comprehend how I am going to even begin to love another child in the same way, and I know people do it, but how do you manage with a 21 month old and a newborn??!! (Let alone resuming career as well!)

Thoughts appreciated x

[LadyStealthPolarBear]

I think all the feelings about worry of not giving your older child enough attention plus worrying about whether you can love a new baby in the same way are completely normal!
Are you worried about how this will affect your relationship with your DH?
Sod what everyone else thinks - they're bound to have their own things they feel they are being judged on.
Congratulations

[LadyStealthPolarBear]

wow - spookily similar x post

[Lizzylou]

I was exactly the same, I had DS2 when Ds1 was just 2.
I was so worried, DS1 had been my constant little companion and I couldn't see how I could possibly love another child as much as him.

But I do, and they love each other, to distraction.

Don't worry, it is very common to feel like this.

Congratulations

[mrshoneybee]

Thank you for the congratulations, its the first time I've 'heard' it (ok seen it in print!) with this pregnancy, as we've told no-one, so brought a tear to my eye!

Off for some ginger tea, but thanks again for kind words x

[SoupDragon]

Love is not a pie - there's not a finite amount that has to be shared

When I saw DS1 for the first time after having DS2, I had a momentary flash of utter horror as I wondered what on earth we'd done to him, making him one of two rather than just one. It passed

A few years ago, I compiled an online montage of photos and in doing so, I realise we'd actually given him a fabulous gift by "giving" him a sibling. Just seeing the pictures of the pair of them together was wonderful.

[phdlife]

Hey, you've been through a LOT and it's hard, no wonder you're feeling worried and stressed. But you don't need to be. It'll be okay.

I fell pg the same way (no contraception, no real effort, because I was late 30s and dh early 40s) and we had dd the day before my ds turned 2, so somewhat similar. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, made any comments about us being pg so soon again or the lack of planning. (ok some ppl made comments about the planning, but in our case there's a long story there that you won't have to worry about!) Please don't feel ashamed or stupid about it - you knew what you wanted, you went for it and you got it! Congratulations!!

Mine are now 20 weeks and 2.4. How you cope with the second is... they are so amazing and beautiful and lovely, you just grow another entire heart's worth of love for your second. I was so besotted with dd from the minute I saw her, and even though it is feckin hard trying to give them both everything they need, just lately I have noticed it getting a wee bit easier. It's just a matter of getting all the help you possibly can in the early days, baby steps, and practice. Hell, I can even get us all out the door by 9am if I have to. Stressed, but washed, fed and dressed.

For now, I hope you can take some time out to think how lucky you are. Look at your beautiful ds and look forward to falling in love that much all over again. And enjoy the peace while you can

hope that helps a little.

[phdlife]

notice how eveyrone else says it all in about 1/20th of the words

[lynniep]

congrats mrshoneybee! I'm so glad you and dH have worked it out

I just wanted to say I understand how you're feeling, although DS is a little bit older (2.5 now, and I'm 30wks gone)
I never really bonded with DS until he was about a year old, but I am totally in love with him now, and can't see how any other little person can top that. I never really wanted a 2nd, but DH did, so I pootled along with life and it didnt happen for so long I kind of thought it wouldn't - so was a shock when it did.

At the beginning of the pregnancy I was kind of gutted, I was just getting my life back and thinking about moving back to full time from part time work.
I've pretty much ignored DS2 (yes, its another boy!) because I have DS to think about. But as time has passed I have started to look forward to his arrival. DS is so funny and sweet with other peoples babies, and I'm hoping that he will love his little brother although I am prepared for jealousy! I also think that this time around I will be able to cope much better - I actually know something about babies now and DH has been great during this pregnancy, getting up with DS to let me lie in and wotnot (he didnt do that last time!)

Please try and reign in the guilt - I dont think DS will suffer for having another little person about, and please dont stress about what other people think. (Need to take my own advice methinks) Best of Luck!