Coming to terms with not having a second child

[Seahawk80]

I've just had a miscarriage and this was my 3rd pregnancy since having DS 3 years ago. The other 2 both ended with a TMFR after the 12 week Scan after fatal chromosomal issues were found. I've been told it's just really bad luck and not connected. I'm 40 in December so I feel like I'm not that old but it seems my eggs are pretty useless. I think we might try one more time but I also think I need to accept that we may just be a family of 3. I love DS so much and he's fantastic, I feel so guilty he won't have a sibling. I had a TMFR just before lockdown and I was so sad that he had no one to play with. I'm really close to my 2 sisters and I feel sad he won't have that (I know it's not a guarantee that siblings will get on and DH isn't close to his brother) but I can't imagine not having that relationship. I also feel very sad that I won't get another maternity leave to spend more time with DS, I'd just always assumed that would happen.

I know there are financial advantages and we live in a 2 bed flat with a garden which we love so it means we could stay here longer but I still feel so sad. What helped you to accept things and move on if you were in a similar situation?

Just wanted to say that although I'd be open to counselling I did have some on the NHS and didn't get on with the woman at all. I dreaded the appointments and it was the kind of counselling where you talk about yourself and they don't offer any advice, it didn't work for me and I ended up stopping as I work compressed hours and decided I was wasting an hour of precious time with DS. It would be a struggle to pay for private at the moment as have some big bills at the moment, but if some one had a recommendation for more "constructive " type of counselling I'd be interested.

Aw I had a similar situation to yourself OP and I was terribly upset and guiltly feeling at the time. I did have some counselling about it, although I'm not sure if it particularly helped. What happened really was that after a while it just stopped bothering me so much as life went on.

We are over ten years on now and although I occasionally still feel a bit sad about it, it's really very occasional. Dd is a thriving teen and it's not really an issue for her because she doesn't know any different. We have spoken about it so she knows we tried but it didn't happen. She has once or twice said she would like a sibling but isn't something that actively bothers her.

It's a process of grief you are going through which will need a bit of time to work itself out whether you have counselling or not. I don't know how helpful that is to you - except to say that this is natural. And the strong feelings will fade.

My experience of good counselling (for something else) was that it allowed me to think about coping strategies and put my experiences into a context which also helped me cope. It's not for everyone though.

I am not sure how effective something like CBT would be for this. You can buy books on CBT and basically do it on yourself to some extent. It's good for anxiety but I don't know about grief/loss.

Thanks @Besom I hope I'll feel better as time goes on. I guess at the moment it's still a maybe and so it's hard to move on. Currently struggling with storage and looking at all the mountains of baby stuff and wondering what to do.

I think a CBT style counselling is what I'm after but maybe it's something to look into once we've made a final decision to stop trying. I couldn't have gone through another termination and tried again but I think physically and mentally I can give it one more go. I think I would definitely be open and honest with DS when he's older if he asks about why we didn't have another.

The thing that helped me was time. I'd always imagined having 2 children with a small age gap so that they could play together. After dd was born, I kept trying for years.

Eventually it got to a point that I felt that even if I did get pregnant, the age gap would be so big that it wouldn't be the kind of family that I'd planned. I never used contraception again but stopped actively trying to get pregnant.

Gradually, the ache went away. Dd is now in her late teens and we're a happy family of 3. It would have been nice if things had worked out differently but I'm honestly happy with how life's turned out.

OP so sorry about your losses. We are in a very similar situation to yourselves. We are going to try for maybe another year then I think move on with being a family of 3. There are 5 years between my sibling and I and we were not particular close growing up ( better now but not massively close). DH is the same actually, 5 years too and not at all close to his sibling, cant stand him actually.So I try tell myself when the age gap grows too big my DD wouldn't necessarily get on brilliantly with a sibling. I know that's not really true but try to tell myself that that could be the case.

There are advantages and disadvantages to being an only child, OP, just as there are to having a sibling. There's nothing to feel guilty about, particularly as this is beyond your control. Focus on the positives.

So I try tell myself when the age gap grows too big my DD wouldn't necessarily get on brilliantly with a sibling. I know that's not really true but try to tell myself that that could be the case.

There's no guarantee of them getting on with any age gap. DH and his sister are less than a year apart and don't speak at all. He was not invited to her wedding, nor informed of it. No particular incidents sparking this, as far as I'm aware, they just have nothing in common and don't believe in forcing a relationship just because of shared ancestry. 🤷

I'm currently trying to tell myself that one is fine. DS took us several years and a mc to have, I'm nearly 40 and my DH is a decade older. He feels he doesn't want another, whereas I feel that ache. I keep telling myself that it might not happen but a big part of me wants to try anyway. DH feels our one DS is enough.

It's reassuring to hear from people who have one and are now very happy with that. I'm sorry for your losses, OP, and hope you find a peace

I know it wasn’t what you were asking about but has someone done yours/your partners karyotype to make sure that there isn’t a balanced translocation causing your losses?

Thanks @Helspopje yes we've had all the tests and just been told it's very very bad luck (and probably my age). I think we see all these actresses etc getting pregnant well into their 40s but there is probably a lot of treatment and egg donation that we don't know about.

@Seahawk80

Thanks *@Helspopje* yes we've had all the tests and just been told it's very very bad luck (and probably my age). I think we see all these actresses etc getting pregnant well into their 40s but there is probably a lot of treatment and egg donation that we don't know about.

I was 39 when I used my own eggs to conceive DS, and will try for one more if possible soon. Have you spoken to a private fertility consultant yet? I found them a lot more knowledgeable than the NHS about practically everything to do with infertility / early miscarriages. If you want to give it one last ditch attempt might be a good idea to make an appointment.

As for coming to terms with not having a second child, I think for me it helps to keep a gratitude journal of what I have already.

@GrumpyHoonMain unfortunately private treatment just isn't an option for us financially. I am very very grateful for what I have. I always have been even before my losses. It doesn't stop the guilt for DS not having a sibling but I will focus on the positives. I think it's particularly hard at the moment as the door is still open so it's an unknown. I think I'll only find peace once we've made a decision.

We are in the same boat very grateful for our dc but really wanted another loss last year and now 43 and nothing is happening .. too late I expect now but it's hard to accept that's it. I feel young enough to have another I'm not ready for this stage if my life to be over and accept no more kids .. its hard to move forward but I need to have a cut off

Should also add iI am an only and had a fantastic childhood never felt lonely very close to parents .. never really wished for a sibling so I'm sure our onlies will be fine . Lockdown has emphasised this need for a bigger family and company for our kids though! it's been very hard working full time from home and watching dc play on her own in the garden

I will always feel a bit guilty that I didn't try earlier for another for dc but also mainly for me .. I would love to do it all again

@toolatenow1 glad to hear your childhood was a happy one! I also think lockdown has made things a lot harder in terms of feeling guilty etc! My DD seems fine on her own, I think it's me that worries more!

Thankyou to all the posters messaging, it is helpful for others in a similar position, it seems time is the key to accepting an only child.

Just wanted to echo @juststruck like the OP I have a three year old and have had three losses (although mine were all relatively early miscarriages) and am trying to come to terms with not having another (am also 40 and have had all tests come back clear and been told it's just one of those things and likely my age). I am so lucky to have my DD but I think it's time that will console not having another. Take care everyone