DS says he doesn't want any friends in our home!

(8 Posts)
PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Mon 17-Dec-12 20:11:16

DS, 4, has a couple of friends he sees - mostly one little boy from his pre-school days and another he is good friends with from his reception class. With R, the pre-school friend, we generally take it in turns to meet for playdates at each other's houses.

But recently, he's been kicking up a fuss about R coming to ours. Apparently, he does not like children coming to his house to share his toys. Now, while I understand that he finds it difficult to share toys (especially he being an only), I don't want to give in. He is excited when R comes but then at a certain point, he starts getting possessive.

Both mums give both boys lots of praise for good sharing and taking turns. But it quickly deteriorates, even when we try to keep the play date short. Lots of crying etc. And actually, last time R and his mummy were at ours, he ignored R and played with his mummy.

Incidentally, he plays very happily at R's (of course!). In the spring, summer, autumn we meet up quite lot at the park, but with the winter here, it's been difficult to meet at a neutral ground. We are both on tight budgets, also. Besides, I feel it's a skill he needs to learn.

With the school friend, we have been to their house 2 times and I would like to invite them to ours but, as I'm only getting to know them, I'm feeling a bit sensitive about it, tbh.

Any tips?

LibraryMum8 Tue 01-Jan-13 04:11:42

I've found that since ds is an only as well, dh and I have to our bit of sharing with him. For example we said, 'Give half to dad'; or Ill ask to share a toy myself. We're not siblings, but some times we have to fill in those gaps!

UniS Sat 12-Jan-13 18:44:30

Would it help if you and DS work out WHICH toys he won;t share and put them up high for the vist, equally work out which toys/ games he WILL share and have those out ready. I found that at 4 DS and friend needed a fair bit of direction on afterschool play visits, now they are 6 they vanish up stairs and get on with it.

At age4 we tended to come home, get both boys to visit loo and wash hands, have a drink and a snack sat at kitchen table. then I'd suggest a "craft" and they would get busy making a mess with paper, glue and tat / glitter, staples etc... after a bit that would lose engagement and they would wonder off to "play" for a bit. When the inevitable argument started , I'd suggest watching a bit of I-player... and then it would be time for friend to go home.

plecofjustice Fri 08-Mar-13 21:50:58

(I'm an only) and when I was a child, I used to immerse in very detailed, long term complex play with my toys, particularly Lego and Playmobil, but also imaginary play with all sorts of random stuff. I used to hate having friends over who would mess up my "set" and mean I'd have to spend ages sorting it out or incorporate the mess into my "story". Is it possible something like that is going on here? Maybe you can discuss play with your son and see if he can find a way to mix worlds?

exoticfruits Fri 08-Mar-13 22:10:16

We used to go around to a friend when my DS was 3/4 yrs and it was dreadful because the friend's DS made a fuss if he played with anything! We gave up going. I would persevere - tell him that he can choose some toys to shut away but the rest will be out for joint play. Learning to share is a big part of growing up.

plecofjustice Fri 08-Mar-13 23:22:42

exoticfruits

I disagree. Learning to share isn't a big part of growing up. As an adult, when was the last time you "shared" in the way we expect children to - i.e. giving up some of your precious belongings to be used randomly by another person? I can't think of the last time I did - I lend people at work my stationery, I give to charity, but I don't "share" in the way we expect children to. Children should have the right to some autonomy over "their" possessions.

MrsSham Fri 08-Mar-13 23:34:59

My dd is like this with certain friends and not others, I just get her to put anything she is precious about away in my room. That tends to work.

exoticfruits Sat 09-Mar-13 07:17:32

Well I share all the time-I grew up with siblings and it is just something that you do. Obviously you don't share really precious things but it is quite easy to put those away, out of sight, and learn to share the rest. You are not doing any favours if you don't - when I went to university and lived with others you could tell the 'only children' because they had not learnt this. The exception was the one who had spent whole holidays with cousins and was used to it. It wore off after a while as they got used to it. I think that sharing is a huge part of growing up and children will notice and avoid if he can't - as in my DS- we gave up going because it was so unpleasant- whatever my DS touched he had it taken off him. If I was OP I would say that he can choose 6 things to put away and then he can happily play with the rest. I would certainly have friends around- have open house so that he gets used to it.

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