Mumsnet Talk

I have just the one dc, one of my sisters has 2 dcs, other has 4 dcs. I love all of my nieces and nephews very much, and am particularly close to the sis with 4 dcs.

I am on here to tentatively explore how I feel about xmas and birthday presents and am hoping for support and advice in exploring how I feel. In the past I always spent the same on my nieces and nephews, as my DS would have spent on him. (obv say if this is £10, I am spending £40 and £20, sisters are spending a £10 on my child) so I am spending much more than they are. We don't buy for grown ups with kids. One year my DS received a very small present (which he already had), whereas I had spent full amount on each DN, amounting to a lot of money when I was very much struggling financially. Since that year I have sought out bargains throughout the year, this way DNs still all get a nice present from me, but I am not spending money I don't have.

Dsis with a large family has commented before a few times on how pleased her dcs have been with Bday money they have received (from other relatives, not me), and had been put out when she realised my mum had spent a couple of pounds more on my one child's birthday, than she had on any of her 4 dcs. It really was only a couple of pounds difference.

Today she has mentioned to me she is going to ask for certain vouchers for her dcs for Bdays and xmas as they have just enjoyed this particular chain today. Probably thinking less room taken up and dcs won't be spending cash in Game or something. The last couple of years I have managed with getting bargains and offers and affording it all that way, but having to hand over vouchers then that won't happen! Any ideas on how I can broach this subject without a falling out?
Other sister with 2 is rather hit and miss, often forgets DS's birthday but I am in no way allowed to forget her 2 dcs birthdays, in fact that's usually the only time I hear from her - well that and before xmas. I always get her 2 dcs something nice though and wouldn't dream of not getting them anything.

I guess I feel a bit about it all, and a teensy bit resentful. I know I am probably being unreasonable and I don't want a bashing which is why this isn't in AIBU section.

tbh, if you can't afford it then I would be going for a 'family' present anyway. a decent board game, or sweets/treats to share.

we always got this (3 of us) from relatives for Christmas - obviously one year it might suit one child more than others, but this would even out over time.

I would not be offended if this happened for my children either (2, soon to be 3)

We have one young DS and my brother has 3 teenage DSs. The value of presents hadn't really occured to me but then one of the DN commented to his mum in front of us that she had bought our DS a very nice gift. Her reply was they have bought for 3 of you for years. So I guess we're lucky in having considerate relatives.

In your situation I would nicely tell your DSis that you and your children enjoying finding personal gifts for others and that you are not a fan of vouchers. (Gifts are the choice of the giver.)

Frothing's suggestion of family presents is a good one.

Your DSis (of 4) sounds like she's a bit obsessive if she's counting up and comparing exact prices!

Presents are not meant to be about exact accounting - you should give what you feel is appropriate, within the bounds of what you can afford. And people ought to be glad to have their birthdays etc remembered at all, rather than demanding specific things and keeping score.

I think you need to say to the one suggesting vouchers that you can't afford much, and will continue to do what you have until now - seriously, if she is prepared to fall out with you over this, she needs to sort herself out!

And just accept that Dsis (of 2) is forgetful and a bit useless. Buy her kids what you can afford, and try not to resent not getting stuff back. I know its annoying for siblings to be useless at birthdays, as it feels like they don't really care or value your DC, but some people are just flaky that way!

Family gift is a FAB idea for xmas frothing - I am definitely going to do that next year. Birhdays between now and then though and I can't do a joint gift for that!

Thats nice festive that your relatives have realised. I honestly think the inequality of it hasn't occurred to either of my sisters. I love shopping for gifts and wouldn't dream of not getting them anything but the thinly veiled grabbyness and entitlement is wearing a bit thin and I am beginning to feel resentful.

I'm really worried about money at the moment (more so than usual), and particularly in the new year and beyond, so I think her voucher announcement has touched a nerve IYSWIM.

yes, it doesn't solve the birthday issue, sorry.

at least they are more spread out? my mum was the only sibling (of 5) to have children, and so our aunts and uncles always did the family gift at Christmas (probably as much to do with having no idea what children would want ) and for birthdays we got eg a book, or a (small) gift token.

would it be a possibility to do a 'day out' for birthdays? no cheaper, but depending on when the birthday is, it could be one extra along on a day out with you and your dc (eg school holidays?) and so a group ticket might be possible?

I don't blame you for feeling resentful at the grabbyness and entitlement - it is not nice to feel as though your whole relationship is defined in terms of how much money you spend.

DSis with 4 has always been a bit like this even as kids, eg counting exact numbers of sweets we'd been handed, or measuring chocolate bars to make sure mine wasnt bigger. I do love her very much though and don't want a row. I'm quite laid back and not that fussed on what my mum spends on DS, she knows what he likes and I usually leave her to it.

I do accept that of dsis with 2, she is not a bad person, just a bit in her own bubble and other people's events don't occur to her (e.g. no birthday cards sent out and so on).

My DS is autistic and doesn't notice if relatives forget his birthday, or who got him what. I teach him to be grateful for what he receives and to do thank you pictures to those who did spoil him.

I think I will have to say I can't do vouchers.. [gulp]

or waht about time/experience gifts?

my grandparents went trough a phase of giving:

my eldest brother knitting lessons (with Granny)
my next brother gardening lessons/time/experience (with Grandpa)
me sweet/chocolate making time (with Granny)

cost less than getting us presents (and, as a bonus, were all things we wanted to do!) and was a real treat too, as we got our favourite lunch with them, spoilt for the day etc.

would somethign like that work?

Been told before 'mine don't view books or clothes as presents' so unfortunately books (and clothes) are out. Might just buy books anyway for birthdays. Good prices but still nice gifts. Well IMO they are anyway!

I keep crossing posts with you frothing!

Those also wouldn't be viewed as gifts. Gifts have to be material goods. I am just realising this.

oh fgs - they sound more and more entitled

sorry, I know they are your family, but a little grace and humility would not go amiss.

whatever happened to saying thank you nicely, whatever yuo are given, and appreciating the thought behind the present?

I would have loved those gifts as a child, as would DS.

But A) they would not be viewed as gifts, and B) one would not be allowed to visit without the others as it would cause arguements.

tbh, I would make a point of offering (as long as it was vaguely in line with an interest!) an experience gift, just to make a point of my own!

god, when did Christmas/birthday become all about the material gain for the people involved?

gets me riled up on your behalf.

"whatever happened to saying thank you nicely, whatever you are given, and appreciating the thought behind the present?"

I really don't know! We were all brought up in the same household - it must just be a matter of personalities! I think I am just going to continue with the buying what I can afford - and moving to books (ha ha), and if they don't like it then tough! Will definitely be doing joint xmas presents.

I am relieved to see I'm not being a horrid aunty though and feel a little more reassured I wasn't being evil to feel this way.

I'm the sister with 3 in my family and other sister has 3, step bro 3 another sister has 2 and another has 1. I feel really arkward about them forking out for my dc as we chose to have 3. I got my family Christmas thorntons hampers this year so regardless of 1 or 3 children they got same. They are all 11 up to 19 except step bro and we don't buy for eachother.

How should I broach with family that azfoly gift is lovely or small token gift or nothing at all. As really really don't see this as major deal

the arguments things I suppose I can see a bit more - but isn't part of the point of a birthday that is it for an individual to be spoilt?

you could try it by printing/drawing up a nice voucher for a 'magical mystery tour' or similar, and then on the day, the tour takes place at your house with similar activity <evil emoticon>

seriously, though, it does make me sad - yes, my children ahve a pile of presetns under the tree, but looking back over the year, one of the days dd2 enjoyed the most was going to my uncle's house to 'learn' how to grow potatoes - she was beside herself with excitement, and really looked after the plant (well, soil in a pot ) all summer - and then we harvested and ate the new potatoes. was a brilliant day, with long lasting effects.

you are in no way being a horrid aunty - you are trying hard to find a way to get presents they like, on your budget.

absolutely nothing wrong with books as presents - they clearly need reeducating on this - must be the way forward

you are absolutely not being unreasonable. your sisters are. i cant stand people who are so precious about gifts. no one is entitled to anything at christmas time or any other time so why act entitled, i hate it. people should be very grateful for anything they get and if theyre not then they are shallow and should just go out and buy themselves whatever they want if they are so particular and have plenty money to do so. you sound very reasonable. no way would i do the voucher thing. i know what you mean about great bargain gifts. i get my nieces and nephews a good gift from the half price sainsburys sale every year. a couple of years ago we were really skint and were upfront with our siblings and they were so great about it all. they have money and they didnt want a single thing, they just wanted our company. so that year we just gave each family a good dvd and box of chocolates. they used them one night over the holidays and it was a great wee treat from auntie... and uncle...
people are under enough pressure juggling work, kids, money worries etc the last thing you need is particular siblings. its so pathetic considering whats going on in the world.
hope this has helped you feel better.
it certainly got out some issues i didnt realise i harboured!
merry christmas, just enjoy yourself x

I've had this. I have 2 DC, DB has 3, DSIL has 3. I asked what children wanted for christmas / birthday and was told they didnt really have anything specific in mind so they would like the cash please.
So I hand over £20/child for each birthday and Christmas - total £120 per family - and receive £80 back. This has gone on for years.

I know it's about giving not receiving but I used to take great care, shop around and find good, appropriate, appreciated presents within my budget. It's being told what to do with my money and how much I must spend that gets to me.

I have 5 sisters, some of whom have 4 children, I have 3, some have 2.

what we do is at the beginning of the year you are given a child from another siblings family and you 'do' their Easter, bday and x,as, so I've had 3 this year, our Ruth who has 4 kids drew 4 names out to buy for. the limit is £30 bday and £20 Xmas.

not sure if that helps at all.

Sorry I had to investigate what DS was up to as he was suspiciously quiet!
(He was making some 'electronic door openers' and said "I'm glad you're here mummy where are the door keys I can't find them anywhere") Good job I checked or he'd have been off out!

TSC that would work with a group of adults that all cared whether or not a child got a gift or not, but unfortunately one of my sisters doesn't fall into that group of people so it wouldn't work in practice. Is it this year you are off on hols for xmas or next year? Very envious!

Whatdoiknow - that must be galling to be handing over cash like that - they must know and not give a fig which is even more galling! I've willingly spent more than them on gifts every year in the past as I enjoy getting them something nice, at a good price, that they will enjoy.

mrsm I agree completely - it should be about time spent together, and everyone being happy.

Families eh! I am also the only one of the 3 of us hosting my mum at all over the xmas period so I guess I just feel like a right mug in general at the moment.

Bored you are not a mug but clearly considerate.
Books are a great gift. Those children are having a 'poor' childhood if they think all books are worthless. <pulls up judgey pants for emphasis> Maybe this year you should give naffest garden jigsaw to show them the light

Can't think of much to add, except that the choice of gift and the value of it ought to be up to the giver, not the recipient (or the recipient's parent)! Books are an excellent present - the best, arguably - and your sister needs to be put straight on that. The children sound like spoilt brats very picky.

I have 1child , siblings of DH or i have 6, 1, or 0 children.

How I play it depends a bit on where we all are for christmas.

IF we are all at large family... I get roughly equal presents ( not cost, but content - so maybe all get a book and a game, age spread is about 8 years) for DN&Ns AND DS , DS will then also have an extra present from us of something different (generally clothing ).

If we are with small family, presents for the children who are there will be something I think each child will like, The presents sent to the large family will be roughly equal to each other, but may or may not be "equal" to those given to the children we are seeing at christmas.

I do however have a personal tradition of gifting books, so chances are ALL children will get a book or two as part of their present.

Large family parents are skint, I don't expect them to spend much cash on anyone's presents, they often gift home made/ baked items. which is fine.

We do gift to adult siblings and their partners. nothing big,often books again, but its nice to have parcels to open as a grown up when the kids seem to have mountains of gifts.

Thus far, the question of vouchers has not been raised. I'm planning on sticking with gifting items I have chosen.

Just to be clear, I know for a fact the KIDS don't view them as a non-present. This is all about what Dsis wants people to buy them. I realised after recalling the book comment yesterday that 2 of the 4 do actually have books from me this year! Whoops.

I'm just going to continue buying what I can afford and not feel bad or pressured into anything.

Am glad I posted this thread as it has been very supportive.
Hope you all have a lovely xmas!