If you chose to have one child, did you have PND with them?

(52 Posts)
pleasethanks Tue 25-Oct-11 18:59:47

My DD is 13 months and for the first 7 months I had PND, but it was only diagnosed late on. I am okay now, enjoy motherhood mostly and simply adore my wee pal of a DD. But I just don't think I can do it again. I did always imagine myself having 2 or more, but now the reality is here, I am perfectly content with DD and just don't think I could put my DH and DD through another bout of PND/newborn misery.

So, I just wondered whether PND was a factor in deciding to stick with one?

BodyOfEeyore Tue 25-Oct-11 19:00:53

Yes it was the deciding factor for me.

FearTricksPotter Tue 25-Oct-11 19:09:45

Yes, and antenatal depression exacerbated by problems from 32 weeks and a long hospital stay. I simply didn't see how DS could cope with a long separation from me and the PND/PTSD should it occur after another DC.

Having said that, I've come to terms with that choice and no longer pine for a larger family very often.

Choufleur Tue 25-Oct-11 19:12:03

Wasn't diagnose but sure I did have it. It's part of the reason we only have one as I don't want to feel like that again, but would hope that had we had another I would have actually gone to see GP about it.

pleasethanks Tue 25-Oct-11 19:40:00

Thanks for the responses. Do you feel okay with your decision or slightly resentful? I can't help but feel that if I hadn't had PND we would be having a bigger family. But then again, if I hadn't had PND, maybe there would be other reasons why i don't want more children. Maybe it is just what is meant to be. I would hate to see my DD have to suffer through my PND again, at least first time she was young enough to not know. I owe her more

BsshBossh Tue 25-Oct-11 19:41:01

No, didn't have PND and DD was an easy baby but still have decided to stop at one.

FearTricksPotter Tue 25-Oct-11 19:43:48

No, never resentful as such. It was my choice, me who couldn't face a 2nd pregnancy that turned out like that.

I do wish I'd been on MN then (9 yrs ago), as it may have been very helpful and put me in contact with people who'd been through similar and gone on to have more DC. (On the other hand MN may have had me run away screaming at that time! grin)

BrokenBananaTantrum Tue 25-Oct-11 19:55:05

It was one of the deciding factors for me. DD is now 5yo and it is only in the last couple of weeks that I have become settled and happy with only having one.

The birth itself was horrible and she had undiagnosed reflux which made her scream for up to 10 hours a day. Once she was diagnosed with reflux and the treatment started working I became severely depressed. I was diagnosed quickly and started treatment but DD was almost one year old before I had fully bonded with her. I couldn't go through that again. I still carry a lot of guilt about how I felt. I was worries that if I had another and bonded very quickly I would feel even more guilty.

Like I said I am fully happy with this decision now but it has taken a long time. Hope this helps.

Choufleur Tue 25-Oct-11 21:23:39

Not resentful. It took us quite a long time and some intervention to get pregnant so feel lucky to have him.

KenDoddsDadsDog Chile Fri 28-Oct-11 19:38:47

Hyperemesis and PND means only one for me. I'm happy with my DD!

CMOTdibbler Fri 28-Oct-11 19:42:28

No, I didn't have PND, but it was the problems staying pregnant and ds's prem birth that really decided it for me. Couldn't cope with those levels of anxiety again

WhollyGhost Sun 30-Oct-11 05:10:23

PND/PTSD was a factor, but it was also the problematic pregnancy, time in SCBU, colic, two years of extreme sleep deprivation...

I don't think I could go through that again. We are very happy with our one child and life is sweet.

CountBapula Sun 30-Oct-11 06:14:52

pleasethanks I wonder the same. My DS is 13 months now too and absolutely adorable, but was very tricky as a young baby. Wouldn't sleep, screamed all the time ... my PND was certainly caused/exacerbated by extreme sleep deprivation.

We've always wanted two children but I am really scared of going through the same again. I suspect the compromise will be leaving a bigger gap between them than we'd previously planned, so that DS would be at pre-school by the time we have another. And planning in more support for me in case I end up depressed again (eg keeping DS on at the CM's for a morning or two a week, or asking for more family support).

pleasethanks Sun 30-Oct-11 20:26:40

The more I think about it, having another child would be to have a sibling for DD, rather than any real desire for another child, if you see what I mean. Not really the right reason is it?

I genuinely just don't know if I can/want to risk putting my DH and DD through it all again.

gigglepin Sun 30-Oct-11 20:34:38

Rip roaring PND, didnt go to the Drs till ds was nearly 3.

Decided very early on that i could not go through it again.

Felt better when ds was 5 and at school, so we decided to try for another.
I had 6 mcs. I cant have any more children.

Yup, im bitter and gutted.

BrokenBananaTantrum Sun 30-Oct-11 20:47:26

Oh gigglepin I'm sorry.sad

ottawagirl Tue 01-Nov-11 14:04:52

Hello Pleasethanks, I too stopped at one child because of PND (undiagnosed but the more I think about it, the more I wonder how I got away with not being diagnosed!). The blackness and the extreme sleep deprivation and the hugely traumatic birth made me so afraid of having another that I actually had a termination at the miraculous age of 43 (I had my one and only at the age of 42) so as not to have to face that terror again. My DD is four and a half now and to be honest I do have regrets about not giving her a sibling. I feel awful for depriving her of the love that often comes with a sibling. I am only saying this because in retrospect I feel that perhaps the second time around might have been different -- but I didn't want to risk it. I am hugely sad by only having one child even though I often feel utterly fulfilled and totally happy.

The worst thing is being surrounded by people having three and four kids and in their midst I feel completely pathetic. I can barely cope with one. But we are all different and it is important to remember that you are the mum you are and you can't really be any other way.

So I guess you just have to go with your gut and think about what you can cope with. Having one child does have enormous benefits as well. I hope this helps you with your decision.

reallytired England Tue 01-Nov-11 14:11:50

I had severe postnatal depression and felt exactly like you did when ds was 13 months. However I had dd 7 years later.

I did not get depressed the second time, although I did have mild anxiety.
With the right support you can reduce the risk of a recurrance of pnd.

I actually think its easier with 2 children than with one in a weird way. It is like having my little tribe. I have been more confidence with baby care and my older child is a source of support (sort off!!) It sounds dreadful, but I think when you have more than one child you have less time to worry and ruminate. I have also had a fanastic health visitor.

ottawagirl Tue 01-Nov-11 14:22:37

Hello reallytired, Yes, I often hear how much easier it is with two children and that only makes it worse for me and increases the regret of having chosen to only have one! I am 46 now so the days of giving my DD a sibling are over, sadly. I often wonder if I had had another whether it would have been as awful as the first time. I will never know. But I try and enjoy what I have and not mourn what I don't. My DD is amazing and we have a good life, so can't complain. Glad you didn't suffer PND a second time. It is truly an awful thing.

marianhalcombe Tue 01-Nov-11 14:31:18

Yes I had PND plus a host of other issues that led me to stick with one.

I also felt I'd be giving DD a sibling rather than because I really wanted another child.

I still feel that way now a few years down the line so I think it was the right decision for me to only have one.

shoesontheglasslamp Sat 13-Oct-12 21:35:23

So pleased to find this thread, even if I'm a little late!

Yes. PND, fear and not wanting to go through all that again has meant that DS will be an only.
However DH and I had talked about being happy with one DC before TTC, so we're perfectly happy with our decision.

So pleased to find I'm not the only one!

perplexedpirate Sat 13-Oct-12 21:40:09

Not really, though I've have anxiety of one form or another for years.
I've always known I only wanted one DC though, so made no difference.

Although I pretty much planned on having just one child, my pnd was the final deciding point for us. I felt that DS had no recollection of me at my worst, but it would be unfair of me to return to that state while he was aware of it. I have been promised medication from the point of delivery next time, but I still won't risk it. A few years ago I resented it, but I have made my peace with it and adore being a mum of one!

cowboylover Tue 16-Oct-12 21:24:27

I am an only child and since becoming a mother my mum was very supportive when my daughter was a baby.

I now know that my mum had bad near life ending PND so it was a clear decision for her to only have one.

My decision to have one is for a few reasons. I had a difficult pregnancy, horrible birth and baby in NICU so I won't know if I could cope with that again.

But as an only child that's my mental family picture as well so I only ever pictured having one.

hugglebug Tue 16-Oct-12 21:52:41

I'm now pregnant with DC2 having had a DD 4 years ago after who I had PND. I went through a period of being happy with just one child but still felt a bit sad. Last year my Dad was very ill and I found it comforting to know I have a brother to go through it with. So in that vein I guess I'm having another DC to give DD a sibling rather than desperately wanting another DC. I'm hoping and praying for the best, this pregnancy is not going well the baby is ill and will need to go in to NICU and have an op. Trying to muster as much support now as possible to "prevent" future PND but am fearful it could strike again. Fingers crossed.

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