Live webchat with sex and relationship expert, Suzi Godson - Monday 7th November, 1 - 2pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Suzi Godson is joining us on Monday 7th November between 1 and 2pm for a live webchat where she'll be answering your questions on relationships and sex. Suzi is the sex and relationships expert for The Times newspaper. Her Saturday Sex Counsel columns have recently been published as a book and she is also the author of the The Body Bible, and the award-winning The Sex Book which has now been translated into fifteen languages. For the last year she has been editing //www.moresexdaily.com, a free resource which aims to help couples sustain sex in long-term relationships. It hosts a wealth of news, research and advice from guest experts and it is also the vehicle for a major new survey into sexual frequency. The data will hopefully provide new insights into what some couples are getting wrong in their sexual relationships, and more importantly, what other couples are getting right.

Join Suzi next Monday (7th November) at 1pm or send your questions in advance to this thread.

[teeschlurfenderdino]

Hi Suzi
Hope you can help! I have a loving long term partner and we have been together for 4 years. He is attentive and kind but we are having issues with differing libidos.I was quite scared when we first got together,having been badly treated by my previous partner,and I think the problem started here.My dp was very gentle and careful, did not like to initiate anything incase it wasn't what I wanted.I have now regained my confidence and would like to make love more often, and would love him to make the first move sometimes, but it seems we are stuck in the pattern of behaviour from the beginning of the relationship,and can't move forward.Also, he is having a particularly stressful time at work at the moment and seems unable to switch off, which is also not helping. Advice please?!

[SexyDomesticatedDab]

Sex chat in the middle of the day??????????

Nothing to add but I like her column in the Times on Saturday.

[milk]

Written it in my calendar :D

[milk]

As a MNers I have to ask... how can I add Pom-bear into my sexual escapades? I was thinking how when licked they melt, but I do not know on which part of the body I should balance the bear, do you have any suggestions?

[cheekychickenknickers]

Hi there,
Have name changed, sorry for not feeling brave enough to be myself.

DH and I have slipped into a once every couple of months kind of relationship.
We cuddle every day, fall asleep snuggled up and snuggle in the morning. We are very touchy feely, openly talk about loving each other, and often chat about wanting more sex. It doesn't materialise and we slip back into the rut.

I know that he masterbates, he knows that I do.

In my over analysis of all this... I want more babies, he DEFINATELY DOESN'T
I want him to have a vasectomy.. the best sex we have ever had was when we were trying for a baby or pregnant. and I think the lack of hidden anxiety about getting pregnant had been removed.

Help!!

[cheekychickenknickers]

milk can you slip a [pombear] into your lady bits and get him to find it??

[cheekychickenknickers]

[supadoula]

DH and I have no more sex life. I had a miscarriage 3 and a half years ago and have always wanted to have another baby since. He has constantly said no. Our intimacy is now reduced to a brief cuddle at night. He is kind with the children and cuddles them but I don't get any of that. Where do we go from there? We are moving apart.... Thanks

[nenevomito]

I read this as live sex chat

[bumbums]

My husband and I also have a poor sex life. We've never been red hot lovers but I was happy. Since having 2 children, the youngest being 2 and a half, I am a stone heavier and have a saggy belly and boobs. My husband is at the peak of his career and has the work life balance completely tilted to work.
He has said in the past that he doesn't find me as attractive anymore. He is a control freak and has always wanted to take the initiative as far as come ons go. So I learnt early on not to come on to him.
He's not a massively sexual person anyway. Unllike some men who are randy all the time; for him, the stars have to align, he can't be tired/stressed, he has to feel sexy too etc etc etc.
The affection has gone from our marraige because he never spontaneously hugs, strokes, kisses or touches me. I cuddle him sometimes and ask for a kiss.
We haven't had sex for 6mths. My coil strings were bunched up and I had to wait 3mths for a scan appointment to ensure it was in the right place, so no sex then, since then we've just not been in the mood for it.
How do we get our physical relationship back? I told my husband months ago how unhappy I was with our physical relationship and he's done nothing to improve things.

[pink4ever]

Hi

Another one here who is not happy with their sex life. Dh isnt interested in sex anymore. We do it once a week and even then its only because I moan-alot!

He makes it pretty obvious he doesnt find me attractive any longer and he never cuddles or kisses me.

I have tried to talk about this,tried the usual stuff-suggested dressing up,role play,dirty talk but doesnt work. Dh will make an effort briefly but then he goes back to normal.

I am only 35 and want to be having loads more sex-any advice?

[midnightexpress]

marking my place.

[anyoldexcuse]

Similar to other posters, but coming from the other point of view.

I'm in a long-term, very loving relationship. We have 2 children, youngest is only a few months so it has been hard to find the time and energy for sex. He still fancies me and is keen to have sex often. But even aside from the time issue, I just don't seem to have any libido. I just don't feel like I need sex, but for the sake of my relationship I really want to get back into it and start enjoying it! Where to start?

[madandunhappy]

Hi Suzi, desparately need your help. DH, for the past 3.5 years has had every excuse for not wanting sex - firstly i was pregnant, then he was unhappy at work, now he says he is worried about not satisfying me, so doesn't want to. I can't face the rest of my life without sex (i am 41, he is 55) but he finds every excuse for not being intimate. he says he love me, but i am so unhappy. Is it wrong of me to want a physical relationship? I feel guilty for wanting a "normal relationship".

[DriveGone]

Hi Suzi
I hope you can help me, I just seem to have no sex drive anymore. I love my husband (we have been together for 11 years, married for 7) and find him attractive but I just seem to have no sexual desire anymore. I don't think it is him as I don't even masturbate or have feelings towards other men. I have two young children and constantly feel shattered. When we do have sex, I am often just thinking I would rather be asleep. My husband is very patient but I am worried this will drive us apart, what can I do to get things going again. Can you permanently lose your sex drive?
I hope you can help.
Thanks

[chosenone]

hi Suzi
Any words of wisdom would be great

My issue is a type of sexual jealousy I think!!?? Ive been with DP over a year after a split with exDH. I worry about his sexual past and obsess over who/when and where etc. He is very reassuring and has stated now he's older and wiser he's having the most satisfying sex ever. We have both had promiscuous and adventurous pasts he is fine with mine, I wind myself up about his. Although we've openly talked about masturbation I also think about this, what does he look at? how often etc?? I dont seem to get jealous over anything other than sexually related things?? I hide it most of the time but it does bubble up occasionally and I know im usually being irrational

Thanks

[FloweryTablecloths]

Hi Suzi

I am at work later so posting this now.

I am assuming this is a common problem but I find it really hard to separate the roles of lover and mother and hate for the lines to be blurred.

Have 2 young DC under 3 and feel e.g that boobs are for feeding atm and not for sex - which is a shame as they were amazingly sensitive (in a good way) when I was pregnant.

Also the idea of trying to have an "early night" and then one of the DC wakes up and can't switch between the two roles.

Any advice much appreciated on how I can flick a switch in my brain that makes it easier to not worry about being a lover and mother.

Thanks

[ferfuxake]

I've been with my partner for over 10 years. We have 2 small children and we hardly ever have sex. And to be honest it only bothers me because I think we should, rather than because I actually miss it.

Logically I can see a while range of reasons for this situation - we had trouble conceiving our first child before success through IVF, but that was preceded by 2 years of fairly joyless sex aimed purely at conception. Since then we have been through the usual lack of sleep with young children; my husband struggles with depression, and has a stressful job; we are both overweight; and to top all that off we both probably drink too much. I also suffered a 3rd degree tear when I gave birth to our youngest, so I was quite anxious about having sex after that. I still care for my partner but to be honest (and this is the first time I've really admitted it) I don't fancy him, and I don't really think he fancies me either.

Is there any hope for us?!

[Cussandroid]

Can you recommend any resources for couples where the woman is neuro-typical, and the man has Asperger traits?

The only books I have seen are patronising and aimed at people with serious autistic traits, as opposed to men who are only mildly affected.

[Shakey1500]

Hi Suzi

What are your thoughts on monogamy?

[RachelMumsnet]

Suzi's arrived at MNHQ and is ready to answer your questions. Welcome to Mumsnet Suzi Godson...

[SuziGodson]

Hi Everyone, I am chuffed to be here and am ready to answer your questions. Suzi x

[SuziGodson]

@Cussandroid

Can you recommend any resources for couples where the woman is neuro-typical, and the man has Asperger traits?

The only books I have seen are patronising and aimed at people with serious autistic traits, as opposed to men who are only mildly affected.

Cussandroid I presume you mean you want to find sex books or sex resources to do with Aspergers. I'm afraid I can't answer this one straight off, but I will do a bit of research and come back to with some solid leads tomorrow if that is ok. I know this link is to do with young adults but I think it is interesting www.opposingviews.com/i/romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s

[SenoraTorres]

Hi Suzi,

have literally about 15 mins ago had a friend tell me that her and her partner have not been intimate for about 3 years.Imagine my delight at seeing on you mumsnet! Just wondering what you would have said to someone who had just told you this as I was pretty hopeless and only managed a sympathetic "oh".
Thank you.

[SuziGodson]

@teeschlurfenderdino

Hi Suzi
Hope you can help! I have a loving long term partner and we have been together for 4 years. He is attentive and kind but we are having issues with differing libidos.I was quite scared when we first got together,having been badly treated by my previous partner,and I think the problem started here.My dp was very gentle and careful, did not like to initiate anything incase it wasn't what I wanted.I have now regained my confidence and would like to make love more often, and would love him to make the first move sometimes, but it seems we are stuck in the pattern of behaviour from the beginning of the relationship,and can't move forward.Also, he is having a particularly stressful time at work at the moment and seems unable to switch off, which is also not helping. Advice please?!

Dear teeschlurfenderdino, When you met your partner you needed a certain style of lovemaking which was slow and gentle and 'on your terms', but now that you have grown in confidence (thanks to lots of TLC from your partner) you are ready to step up the tempo. Thing is, your Dp may have been better suited to the ?vulnerable you? that he first met, and in the same way that he coaxed you to confidence, you may now need to encourage him towards disinhibition. It is really important to be able to talk to each other about the way you feel. He may not even know that you have identified this change in yourself and simply pointing it out to him may change the dynamic.

Stress is a big issue for men - you can read a helpful article about the impacts of stress on the male libido here - www.moresexdaily.com/thesexthieves/stress/. But sex is a fantastic way of de-stressing, so if you can persuade him to use sex as a way of unwinding you will both reap the benefit. I know giving him a massage is not exactly fun for you, but it might help him to switch off, and I think these pouring hot wax afterglow candles sound like a lot of fun - www.exclusivelyeve.co.uk/product/133/afterglow_specialas/jimmyjane-afterglow-pouring-massage-candle-special-edition.html

When couples find themselves stuck in unsatisfactory sexual patterns one of the easiest ways to shake things up is to put yourselves in a different environment. I personally am a big fan of hotels. When it all gets too much with kids and work and the whole nine yards, holing up in a hotel bedroom with 24 hour room service is like a shot of adrenaline for a jaded relationship. There is a good piece you can read here (www.moresexdaily.com/7-reasons-to-love-hotel-sex/) about the joys of hotel sex.

Good luck and have fun. Yours Suzi