Mumsnet Talk

Hi!

I'm a Brit married to a Venezuelan, and we're living in Germany. I just found out that I'm pregnant, and to my shame one of my first thoughts was "omg, she's going to come and stay for months in MY house"...

I love and respect the lady, but I struggle to be in the same house as her for more than 2 weeks at a go.

Does anybody have experience with a forceful latina suegra? Hints and tips much appreciated.

get your husband to say no!

I have one, not so much forceful as passive aggressive. It is exhausting and there is NO WAY I would let her stay for months at any time much less when I had just had my first child. Just no way. that is my advice: don´t let it happen.

Err what's a suegra?

lie Get your dates muddled up? Take charge of booking the flights and "accidentally" book them 4 days apart instead of 14? Tell them that visa restrictions mean they can only stay 7 days and it has to be a hotel -- and the nearest one is twenty miles away--

I have no idea what a suegra is but am assuming it's a bit like an interfering MIL btw

I love the idea of stretching the truth, but sadly she knows her visa rights...

Lisaro, PurplePidjin, yes, this is my interfering MIL. Warning...rant approaching...

Last time she came it was for 3 weeks and in that time she never once asked me what I wanted or how I run my house. I think at home only her opinion counts, and that attitude doesn't fly with me.
The small and annoying stuff included that she took over my kitchen (not ok), ate all the soup I'd made and frozen to make space in the freezer for her stuff, cooked some of my ingredients for which I had other stuff planned, and of course never consulted me about any of it.

Food wasn't the only battleground. She also spontaneously cleaned various things, supposedly to be helpful, but it came across as a passive agressive judgement on my housekeeping. This grated, as her house is a pig sty. Oh, and based on her personal appraiseal of our lovely flat as she bought us a winerack, which I made DH ask her to take back- we'd just received one as a wedding present from a friend. Which she would have known if she'd asked. She's generous to a fault, but never actually checks what you would appreciate.

We had a couple of huge fights, but it never seems to help. To be honest I wouldn't mind her helping, but she never ever asks what would look like help. She then does stuff that drives me nuts, and instead of making me like her more as she's so er.....helpful, I like her less as she's such a domineering pain! Latina mama knows best, always!! Ahem. Glad I got that out. Stress isn't healthy in pregnancy, right?

So basically she's not coming when I have a new baby cos with hormones and kitchen knives there would be bloodshed.

I was just looking for hints on how to stop her from turning up, manage her so that she turns up for a limited time and not at the beginning, or worst case how to ensure that when she turns up that my DH is there during the day too as referee.

My biggest regret with no 1 was being honest about my dates. Definitely add 2 weeks on (after all you might go that much overdue). Can you do a sneaky move with christening timing so she has to delay the start of the visit? or completely cede control of the kitchen so you get to at least keep the baby.

Oh and attachment parenting, exclusively breastfeeding might be a way of getting away more (have to go feed, have to go see la leche league person, got to go and co-sleep...). Can change back when she leaves if controlled crying, bottle/ formula and cot in nursery really appeal . Dilute her effects by making sure other visitors always there?

MILs go a bit mad with a firstborn grandchild. I think it's some weird hormonal reaction. Not easy to be charitable, but they usually mean well.

And honestly, I can't see her changing from what to you is seriously OTT Latina mama so you might need to somehow adjust the expectations dial.

Thanks mariamagdalena!

I'm going to need DH's support on lying about dates. Fab idea though. I'll ask him tomorrow.

We could also plan a time for the baptism and then suggest she joins for that instead. MIL is awfully Catholic, so she might even prefer that.

Thankfully we have a little flat, so if I tell her that my mum is here for the beginning, then there is no space for MIL...<evil laugh>. Realistic, or would MIL arrive and sleep on the sofa anyway?

My DH has a twin sister. If I use lots of positive energy now then maybe she will end up pg too. Daughter trumps daughter-in-law, so then I'm safe.

All welcome to help with thinking pregnant thoughts to my sis-in-law. I know it's a long shot, but it is seriously my favourite plan right now!

In that case, call her in an absolute panic "MIL,.MIL, I've spoken to Father Fatboy and the only space he can fit us in is for the baptism is two months after the due date. I'm desperately going to need you expertise to co-ordinate that, could you maybe come a bit later??"

Manipulative? Moi?

That's easy. You have to do a baptism course first and the dates tend to be filled up before you get round to it. Plus crying infants may not be welcome on the course and so you may actually need her to babysit! Unless you do it per-natally of course.

Would asking SIL to come & be godmother raise the chance of a pregnancy? Or since the two mums will both stay and then fight over who gets the martyrdom of the sofa, plan a middle name (if girl obviously) after St Rita of Cascia patron of hopeless causes and long shots at pregnancy .

Brilliant. Baptism plans to be discussed at a later date and I've managed to convince DH to help me lie about my dates too. Not lie, just give a worst case prediction.