School car park incident (s) what would you do?

[pinkthechaffinch]

Ok, would really appreciate some advice on the best way of dealing with this.

I'm white, ds (10) is of mixed white/black african descent.

Today, ds said 'I really don't like the way that man in the green car over there always glares at me and sort of pushes his lips in and out when he sees me'.

I asked him how many times this has happened and he said loads, every time he sees him.

I've never noticed this before , probably because my attention is on my toddler dd's safety.

Apparently the man is a grandad to a boy in the year above my son.

Should I

approach him myself and ask him wtf he thinks he's playing at? (my son is dead against this, rightly worried about repurcussions in the playground)

assume he's being a racist twonk and report him straight to police

have a word with the head and ask for her advice.

I think I'm probably going to try and witness him myself first before doing anything, in case he's adjusting his false teeth or something

arrggghhhh

[flybynight]

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. Why would it be race related? There are plenty of older folks round my way that don't like/glare at ANY children. It would be a stretch to accuse them of racism though.

[pinkthechaffinch]

The fact that it is aimed at my ds who is the only non white child in the school is what's leading me to that conclusion, flybynight.

ds himself commented that he doesn't do it to any of his friends.

[pinkthechaffinch]

It's the mimicry of the lips that is bothering me tbh.

[Ponders]

you should def try to watch from a (short) distance first as your DS, & other kids, go by.

[Mumcentreplus]

pink I wouldn't worry tbh..unless he is being vocal about his opinions ignore...anything else happens deal with it openly...

[pinkthechaffinch]

you are right, mumcentreplus, if I confront him, he'll likely only deny it.

[EdithWeston]

I think you do need to find out more.

Your DS may not have noticed if he does this all the time. If it turns out he has a facial tic, you might be glad of a bit of time spent in research.

[marblerye]

You need to do more research. You have never noticed it so you can't say if its a tick or something. Your ds doesn't know if he does it to anybody else. He might be a weird glarer, he might be socially awkward, he might have a tic, he might hate all children, he might glare at you ds because your ds stares at him or he might be a racist twonk.

[Fanbelt]

I'm not sure if there's much you can actually do about his behaviour. What could be useful is having a bit of a chat with your DS about why it makes him feel uncomfortable and how and what he can do to cope with how it's making him feel. It may be the first time he's noticed someone acting in a negative/rascist way (assuming that's what's happening) towards him but I can absolutely guarantee it won't be the last and now may be the time to start preparing/talking to him about it.

I'm in a similar situation with my children (I'm white, my DH's black) and we live in a small country town where 99% of the population are white. Mine are a bit younger than yours but I know we're going to have to have this discussion with them at some point. I think the more able we are to carefully prepare them to deal with this sort of nasty behaviour from ignorant people the better.

Fan x

[Shinyshoes1]

Look at him next time you see his car so you can see what it is he is doing. Don't jump to conclusions, see it for yourself

[chocolatetester1]

After careful observation of the kind others have described, if you find the behaviour is repeated, maybe photograph it on your mobile. There's a chance you might want/need evidence, particularly if the situation ever moves on and the school gets involved. You could do it subtly and have it in reserve. If this sounds a bit cranky, I've seen parent clashes over less (as a teacher) with police involved (especially if there are accusations of racism/homophobia etc etc).
I really like Fanbelt's advice on how to help your child with this and will try to remember it when I need it for my DS one day.

[misslala1987]

you dont just want to straight away think 'racist' , the guy sounds more like 'weird/pervert' to me if that was me id do both confront him and let him know that i dont like what hes doing then straight after that go straight to the head mistress. because if you say something to him but dont tell the school then he could carry on and the school wouldnt intervene (which they should do) and if you only tell the school and dont say anything then he could carry on because what if the school doesnt intervene anyway (like alot of schools dont) do both! dude sounds weird to me. i think id also tell my other half and get him to go into work late and do the school run, scare the crap out of the guy lol

[Gravity1]

Well, it screams racist git to me. Hardly a tic if no one else has seen 'it'. Trust your, and your son's instinct; but sadly I think yes, you need to have seen it yourself before you can say anything to anyone - sadly people don't generally trust the judgment of a child.

[pinkthechaffinch]

Just to update- thanks for all replies.

In the end reacted by glaring at the guy every time I saw him, just to let him know I'm on his case .

It has stopped - Recently, I have been carefully watching this guy as discreetly as I can manage and haven't noticed any more gurnings recently. I believe my son FWIW ## Interesting how many people seem so keen to find any other reason for the gurnings-rather than accept my son's comments for what they were.


Fanbelt - your post was interesting, and since my ds was born I have talked to him about being mixed race, but HOW do you prepare them to cope with incidents of racism? Is the question I've been repeatedly asking myself.

I have found a book called 'Does anybody else look like me?' which I have found very helpful as it has chapters dealing specifically with different age groups-and many examples of dialogue that might help a child in a particular situation. It impressed me anyway, and is certainly a book I'll leave lying around for ds to look at when he's a teenager.

[pinkthechaffinch]

apologies for shit grammar- must proof read more

[Gravity1]

Glad you believed your son pink. Hope it stops now.