Thought I was OK post-EPRC but falling to pieces

[stillfrazzled]

I feel like I'm starting thread after thread after thread, sorry, but this just doesn't stop, does it?

Had EPRC on Monday, for 9-wk pg that stopped developing at 6. We knew at the first scan that this was almost certain, so confirmation last Friday was horrible but not a surprise. Had the op on Monday, felt OK then and y'day.

This morning I'm back at work and feeling absolutely appalling, like I can't cope at all. Luckily working from home, so can sit and howl in piece, but just sobbed down phone to DH and made him cry, so he's on way home and I'm crying again for having done that to him...

This is the 2nd mc this year, and I feel like we're never going to have another baby and it's Mother's Day on Sunday and I'm clearly a failure because I'm better at losing babies than hanging on to them.

I don't want to feel this way. I thought I'd done my grieving and I hadn't. When does it get better?

[QuestionsAnswered]

Don't feel bad for DH coming home. You deserve to have someone to look after. I think things are always worse after all the doing has been done iyswim. You will have been so caught up in the medical side of things and now that has all passed you don't have any thing to focus on so your emotions will come to the fore front.

I have just had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, and I am fearful of ttc again as I know that I would deal with it much worse next time, so can understand why you are feeling the way you are. You will be dealing with 2 lots of grief from both MC's.

I am so sorry for you, just let yourself cry and let your DH come home and look after you.

[QuestionsAnswered]

Also, you know you are not a failure, you would never say that to a friend who had gone through this, so be as kind to yourself as you would to someone else.

[PrettyCandles]

It's tough having a MC, even fairly early on. Don't feel bad for needing to be with someone. I felt exactly the same way when it happened to me.

I think perhaps that day 3 can be the worst, because of the sudden drop in pregnancy hormones. A bit like Baby Blues - only worse, becauseyou've nothing to hold.

It does pass, I promise you. You are allowed to grieve. You may even be doing your dh a favour - men often feel that they have no right to grieve, or must be 'manly' and strong about it all. Perhaps crying todgether and loving each other will help you both.

Between dc2 and dc3 I also had two miscarriages.

[SpringHeeledJack]

Oh love. I had the same thing happen a few years ago. I had the EPRC on the Friday then tried to go to work on the Monday- thought all would be fine till I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on the train and had to come home

In the end very sympathetic gp signed me off for the week...

Give yourself a break- don't try and do too much and "carry on as normal" because it isn't normal

and what QA said- be kind to yourself.

[CMOTdibbler]

The grief comes and goes - totally normal to think that you are fine, then next day/hour be in tears. It's very early days, your hormones will be in a mess, so you are entitled to have a good cry and have DH look afrer you.

You are not a failure. But I know what it's like to feel that

[PrettyCandles]

Midwife told me that the vast majority of miscarriages happen because there was something wrong witht hte egg or the sperm. That there was nothing I did or didn't do that had affected the pregnancy or caused it to miscarry. I found that comforting. Because of course you do worry that you had some responsilbility. But you didn't. You're not a failure.

[stillfrazzled]

Thank you all, you have made me cry again but in a slightly better way.

Just spoken to lovely boss, who has told me to take rest of day off and look after myself.

You're right QA, I would never say a friend was a failure in the same boat. I just can't help feeling it for myself.

[SpringHeeledJack]

God I can remember it like it was yesterday

I know it's a platitude, frazzled, but it does get better. Honest.

Give yourself time to grieve though. I found that people were completely insensitive, unless theye'd gone through it themselves- eg my mum who kept saying stuff like "well, so and so had such and such happen, which was much worse"

...your DH sounds lovely. Look after each other, stay at home in the warm, watch some bobbins telly and cry as much as you like/need

do wish you luck (unmumsnetty xx)

[stillfrazzled]

Thanks, Jack. Am actually feeling a little better today - DH and I had a good snivel y'day, a nice lunch and then a walk to town with DS, coffee and cake.

Then too much wine and watched the football. Feel ragged today but more myself.

Just had the JWs at the door. V bad time to come round trying to sell a divine plan to me. Not that I said so, but had a bitter little grin to myself as closed the door...

[SpringHeeledJack]

[wry grin emoticon] @ Witnesses- well done for not slamming!

hope you've had a good-ish weekend...

[stillfrazzled]

Morning,

I did have a nice weekend - DS insisted on choosing me godawful card with a photo of a cat on it (he loves cats) instead of the tasteful one DH tried to steer him to. He also insisted on getting a cake, as in his two-year-old mind a card means birthday which means cake. So we started the day blowing out a candle and having chocolate cake in bed for breakfast...

Today I just feel awful, though. Everything seems completely pointless because it's three months at least until we can try again, and even then I just feel like it'll all happen again. Even when I'm having a nice time I feel on the verge of tears, and I am not normally a crier at all.

Hope your weekend was good?

[MmeLindt]

I found the second m/c much harder to come back from than the first. The first I put down to bad luck, one of those things

I took time off work, then eventually quit working as it was stressing me out (more to do with one insensitive colleague than anything else).

Take you time, if you can take a couple of days extra off do that. Don't try to get back to normal to fast, it is ok to be upset.

[stillfrazzled]

Know what you mean. Is a bit like that Oscar Wilde quote, 'one mc might be bad luck, the second one two months later feels like a major problem'.

Or something. Sigh.

I find am OK ish at home, but when I get to work and am surrounded by (mainly lovely) people who don't know, it really gets to me.

We're gonig on holiday next week, with friends who know, but I don't want to go. Want to stay at home and hibernate.

[PrettyCandles]

Why do you have to wait three months? We were told it was purely in order to date help with dating any subesequent pregnancy.

As we felt that our emotional well-being was more important than something which was virtually an administrative issue, we went ahead with TTC as soon as I felt up to it. And glad that we did so, because it felt like another building block towards normality and creating our own happiness.

[stillfrazzled]

Well, we were advised to wait for one cycle just to give body a chance to settle. And having mc'd after conceiving two weeks after mc, I am scared not to.

But DH is due to have fairly major op which will keep him immobilised for a couple of months, so no trying during that time either.

[PrettyCandles]

Take some time off work if you need. You are justified in calling in sick.

As for the holiday - go! It felt so comfortable to be around people that knew what I'd been through. I was able to say to my family "please don't bring the subject up, but please listen if I talk about the MC and don't pretend that it didn't happen." Very healing.

[PrettyCandles]

I see. Under your circumstances I wouldn't have been prepared to try again so soon either.

[MmeLindt]

Can you get away on your own a bit when you go on holiday with your friends? A week is a long time post-m/c. You may find that by next week you are glad of the distraction. And you will have someone else to talk to about it rather than your DH.

After my second m/c we stopped TTC for 6 months, was going to be longer but I fell pregnant.

Do you have any reason to not wait?

[tobya4]

Hi to all who have suffered MC's. I too am trying to deal with my third MC in a year- the last being on Valentines day. Initially I was OK, went straigt back to work. No one knew about about two of the pregancies but 6 wks on I am getting waves of tremendous grief. My advice is don't rush back to work, if you can take time off then do so but don't put pressure on yourself to think that you only have a week to get over your loss. I feel the unknowing of whether I will have another child in the future the most anxious part.

[stillfrazzled]

Lunatic, I think I will wander over and see you all soon.

Tobya, I so know where you're coming from. I get waves of grief too, it is an actual physical ache in my chest.

DH is very sad and frustrated that he cannot convince me to share his faith that we were just unlucky and all will be well next time. I am quietly convinced that I will get pg quickly, as usual, and then mc at about the same time. It is a very bleak feeling.