Late Miscarriage - What tests did you have?

(145 Posts)
SweetPea99 Fri 01-Aug-08 10:48:31

Hello,
This follows on from Hope4Future's thread but I wanted to make the question very specific.

We went to our 20 week scan in May and discovered that there was no heart beat. Our baby had died about 2 weeks before (when I thought that the sickness and nausea had finally started to go sad), I had an induced labour and finally delivered about 16 hours later.

We were told that post mortems rarely give any results (?) so our health authority doesn't do them. The only test we had was a genetic one, which showed that she didn't have any chromosomal problems. She was also exactly the right size for her dates.

Since then we have not been offered any tests or follow up, although the consultant said that he would see us at 15 weeks in the next pregnancy to swab me for infection. I have since spoken to the miscarriage assoc. and my GP who both seemed a little surprised that no tests had been done. The doctors seem willing but not well-informed. I don't think the consultant was a proper baby guy because the lady he saw before me was about 90!

What I need to know is: What tests should I have? What should I be asking for? Has anyone gone private?

I am now thinking about ttc again, and it has really brought it home to me that I cannot just sleep walk into this hell again. Thank you for any advice you can give.

..and happens to people in such dreadful ways. Hopefullypregnant and PKS - you've both suffered such terrible traumas in different ways. I guess people don't talk about these things becuase they are so awful. When I was pregnant I remember coming onto MN and seeing there was a discussion board for Late Miscarriage and quickly flicking on by. I couldn't begin to contemplate at that point how horrible it would be to be on such a board. And here I am two weeks later...

Unbelievable.

Very best wishes to you both, SBxx

hopefullypregnant Fri 07-Nov-08 20:18:42

SB, I just want to say: I am sure Elliot 'knew' how much you wanted him. Your body hung onto him so fiercely through all the bleeding [interestingly - I had bleeding too - they said bleeding was normal and no problem - in the end it wasnt] and everything, and you suffered immense trauma giving birth to him.

Elliot is at peace now, I do believe that; he never suffered.

I identify too with your fear of believing in it too strongly. Now I know it doesnt make any difference: the pain is terrible regardless.

You have been so brave and I really hope things improve for you. Hugs. xx

Thank you HP. Everything you said just there is a comfort. The way you talk about him and use his name makes him so much more real and though that makes me cry, helps me so much.

Talking to women on here offers the tineist bit of comfort and I really thank anyone who has taken the time to read this thread of misery and share thoughts.

SBxxxxx

hopefullypregnant Sat 08-Nov-08 13:57:17

SB, I know what you mean about tiny comfort. Talking here has helped me.

I havent told many people in RL that I was pregnant. For that reason, I worry that my baby will never really exist to anyone, other than me and DH. I suppose that's how it is. I am glad that Elliot can be named by more people and mourned; that is right.

Hope your Saturday is going as well as can be expected; I hesitate to say going well.

Hi HP,

I am so sorry you haven't felt able to tell people that you were pregnant. Maybe in a little while you will feel able - and I think you will find people are very sympathetic. What you've gone through is deserving of everybody's sympathy; I don't mean you should hawk your terrible loss around to all and sundry, but don't be too frightened to tell cos I think you might end up depriving yourself of some very much deserved comfort. You deserve that - you've comforted me and I would like to think you are able to find some of that for yourself, either on here or in real life.

My Saturday was pretty awful really. It's less than two weeks and I can't start to 'pull myself together'... my mother, who loves me very much and who is staying with us at this time, said today, "You don't want to do anything to help yourself; you need to try some things to see if you can feel better." I know she means well and is scared I am going to drop into a pit of despair out of which I will never climb but - LESS THAN TWO WEEKS?

How did you get on today?

SBxxx

hopefullypregnant Sun 09-Nov-08 07:38:05

I find it is getting harder, actually, not easier - it's two weeks for me too, two weeks and two days now. I have a daughter and that means I can't slump too far, as she needs me; worryingly though, sometimes I am struggling not to. I think your mum just wants you to be okay - it isnt that she isnt sympathetic, it's that she can't stand seeing you in so much pain. But then you can't deny what you feel and you have to let the grief come through. There will be so many milestones to get through - for me, there were 16 week blood test apptments, 20 week scan, 34 week scan [because consultant worried about baby size after she was small at 42 weeks last time], 36 week consultant apptment, all those dates seem engraved in my memory, plus the due date. I wish I didnt have such a good memory.

Anyway I am glad your mum is with you. Just having people there does make it easier.

We just have to remember: one day at a time... Good luck with today.

Hi HP,

Tomorrow is the funeral. We are going down to the IOW tonight. Then we are meeting the midwife at 9.30am tomorrow morning and she is going to take us to the cemetary for the service. I had a terrible weekend and P and I 'argued' for the first time (we don't really argue, more terse words but I know it rates as an argument for us). This morning I feel even worse cos I feel like I should be pulling myself together. We did resolve things - he said it was ok for me to be as upset for as long as I needed and to let it show - but I feel like I did something wrong and I have to hide how I feel. Which I know is not what he wants but now I feel so confused and like I am hiding away.

Oh god. I am so upset. I am scared everybody is going to give up on me cos I won't be able to get over this.

hopefullypregnant Mon 10-Nov-08 20:59:28

SB, don't beat yourself up - this bit is really tough and you're having to go away from home for it.

I think other people struggle to see you in pain and they want above all to make you better, but in doing that they risk ignoring your suffering. It's well-meant but it's hard for you and inevitably leads to cross words at the very least. Just let it happen and don't think people'll give up on you: it's cos they love you that they want you to be happy; they just havent realized you need to express your grieving.

Big hugs for tomorrow. I have all this to come,as our postmortem is in process still. I wish you some peace tomorrow. xx

Hi HP,

Well last 24 hours have been very difficult but again, if nothing else, I have been really touched by the kindness of others. Two midwives who looked after me at IOW turned up today and attended the service with us. Four little 'Born too Soon' babies were buried in one tiny coffin. There was a very nice non-religious service that I did find a bit comforting. The lady doing the readings talked about a mother's grief being the worst, but also how a father struggles because those he loves most are in pain, and I felt she was describing P and I. She also talked about the cord between mother and baby - the physical cord but also the intangible cord. I feel like I can tweak this and Elliott will know and likewise Elliott will always be tied to his mummy, who loves him so much, by this invisible cord.

So, maybe I am saying there was some comfort to be found HP. It doesn't seem like that cos I've spent so much of the day in tears. But for this five minutes, typing this to you I feel calmer.

Do you know when you will be able to bury your little one?

XXX

hopefullypregnant Wed 12-Nov-08 21:19:43

Hi SB

I am so glad that you were shown these kindnesses and that the service 'helped'. I like the idea of there being a non physical cord too, or at least an intangible one, between mother and baby. When I was pregnant with DD, I felt sort of invincible - as though she and I were together against the world; I was never alone. That changed this time because I had so much bleeding before the nightmare began that I struggled to find the same connection, and of course that in itself makes me feel guilty.
How are you today?
And how are you, Pumpkinseeds?

I wonder when our service will be - the postmortem is taking ages.

I am full of cold and physically exhausted so am off to bed, but sending many hugs. xx

Hi HP,

Sorry you are feeling rubbish with a cold.

It's interesting to hear how you felt being pregnant with DD - I am totally struggling with the idea of not being pregnant - constantly reminding myself that 17 days ago I was pregnant with Elliott. Yet, it was always such a difficult pregnancy that I never really relaxed and enjoyed it. I've been wrestling with the guilt I've felt over that in case Elliott didin't know how much I wanted him. But in my letter at his funeral I told him several times very clearly what a wanted and loved baby he was and it was really important to say those words out loud. It seems from reading posts here and on Sands that PMs can take a while to come through. Not being able to bury your baby can leave you feeling in a real limbo I would imagine.

Much as I dreaded the funeral and felt it would offer some finality (which I can't bear) it did offer, as mentioned, some grains of comfort and for that I'm grateful. I've learnt one thing through this process - that people who can deal with your grief and the passage from life to death, are really special people who do an amazing job. e.g midwives, ministers, even friends who have an ability to talk openly about what is happening without getting too involved in your agony. One of my friends, not the closest, has been talking and texting about Elliott as if he were a real person and it has been very nice that she got immediately and without discussion that I needed him recognised as such.

Anyway HP, I am blathering on. I wonder if you want to continue chatting not via MN? I am set up on here so you can contact me via email if you choose. It would be great to hear from you, but do understand if you want to just keep it on here.

Hope you feel better from your cold soon, SBxxxxx

pumpkinseeds Thu 13-Nov-08 14:52:40

Hello HP

Thanks for asking - I am having a better day today and beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel (may be that is wishful thinking at this point). My lovely bereavement midwife has just left here and I realised that I am feeling so much stronger than this time last week. Still tearful but coping better. She is very good and says she hopes to see me back at the hospital in better circumstances very soon (we are planning to try again). She was so positive - it makes me feel that a new pregnancy could be a reality.

How are you, HP? That's all you need - a cold on top of everything else. I hope you feel better soon.

And SB? Thanks for your message - I have sent you a rather waffly (sp?) one back. I should also say, after reading about your weekend, that I had a completely over the top rant on Saturday at my oldest son (visiting from uni and grumbling because everyone was moody) and, despite being the most indulgent mother in the world normally, I actually made him leave. He has apologised, I have to say, but the midwife said it was a healthy sign that I was asserting myself. So maybe you and P needed to quarrel, if that makes any sense. Who knows?

Take care, both of you - ps xxx

hopefullypregnant Thu 13-Nov-08 19:28:49

Dear PS and SB,

Would love to contact either or both of you off Mnet but am not set up for CAT or whatever it's called here! I will investigate it though. I would put my email address here but it's my name, so I would be no longer anonymous!

SB - you were so brave to read out the letter. I couldnt do that, I don't think. Part of the problem for me is guilt at the termination (though there wasn't a real choice).

You're right about special people. I've hardly told anyone but I cant bear pity. I want people to be normal about it. I suppose in telling people you find out who those special people are.

PS, asserting yourself is probably a good sign, and arguments are too I think - both are ways of letting off steam/letting things out/communicating the frustration and anger.

My DD's 1 today, on a positive note... and teething... on a less positive note...

Hugs to you both xx

pumpkinseeds Thu 13-Nov-08 20:29:17

HP, I couldn't set up the CAT thing either, so my email address is on the other thread that we used, if you want to get in touch. I won't take it amiss if you don't! I understand fully if you want to stay anonymous - that's the beauty of MN. But I would love to hear from you.

I haven't really talked to anyone about it all either - my big horror is that I will break down, as I am quite a private person. But I told one mum in the playground today and it wasn't too hard, so maybe tomorrow I'll be braver .....

On the subject of being brave, I can't imagine how much it took to choose the right way for your little one. My husband reminded me yesterday that I said that my biggest horror was having to make that decision, which is why I refused the amnio despite a 1 in 58 result. You are obviously a strong, loving mother who could face reality and make the best decision for her child. There is no guilt or shame in that.

Happy Birthday to your daughter, btw and I hope that tooth erupts soon - I remember those days well (and those awful, Calpol-filled nights)

Take care xxx

mum2jai Fri 14-Nov-08 00:36:43

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your losses. I lost my baby, Jai, at nearly 21 weeks on 5 June. I did come onto this thread a little while after and I still come back here from time to time - just lurking.

But I couldn't see your posts and move on.

I feel for you sad sad from the bottom of my heart. The early weeks are hell but you do move on. A friend of mine has just lost her baby at 13 weeks and seeing her go through it all is horrible but it makes me realise that my grief has changed - I still think of him almost every minute of every day but my grief is not so all consuming - and I'm stronger now.

His due date, 18 Oct, was hard again and I think Christmas and my 40th birthday in January will be grim - I thought I'd have a little one in my arms. But we have to get through it somehow.

I think the process of giving birth makes you bonded to your baby, whether the baby is alive or dead. And thank god for that bond - we have shed a life's worth of tears for our babies - and they will never be forgotten.

I couldn't bear the thought of the funeral or the PM at the time but we had both. And now it helps to have had them. As expected we don't know why Jai died - but we have a whole load of information that shows us that things are normal which is reassuring. So I would get as much testing as you can.

In the meantime I wish you all peace and strength. I'll be thinking of you. xxx

Hi Mum2Jai,

Thanks so much for your post.

Your sentence, "I still think of him almost every minute of every day but my grief is not so all consuming - and I'm stronger now" gives me hope that I can get through this. At the moment I am crying most at the thought of leaving Elliott behind somehow; that if I 'get over it' or 'learn to live with it' I am leaving him behind, or worse betraying him somehow. I've cried a lot of tears on this subject the last few days and I haven't resolved for myself how I am going to get through this bit, find a way of living with this guilt and sense of loss.

Also, the idea that you are bonded to your baby by having given birth to him,. I haven't been able to think about this too much yet, but I I think you are right. There isn't much more powerful thing in the world than than giving birth. That expereince you share must bond you somehow.

Jai's Mum - I'll be 40 in March and I am dreading it too. My PH says what does it matter you've just been 40 times round the sun... big deal. Well, I know what he means, but I also know how loaded a fortieth birthday is when you are tying to be a mum. I don't know how I am going to get through it either, but I expect we will somehow...

Best wishes,

SBxxx

HP - my email address is my name too! However, this is my partner's more anonymous email address - if you just drop him a line and ask him to forward to me we can be in touch off here, if you still feel like it:

hibbert_2@hotmail.com

Hope the teething has calmed down... xxx

HP - if you do mail my partner, can you put FAO of SpringBlossom in Subject so he knows what it's about? Just thought otherwise he might think it's spam...

hopefullypregnant Fri 14-Nov-08 21:31:02

Hi all

MumtoJai, thanks for the post and for the understanding. I am glad that you have moved on and feel the grief differently now. Good luck with the milestone dates.

SpringB and PS, I've emailed you both (well SB, your partner!). I forgot though when I emailed SB to say who I was - it's me though, being dippy! I hope you two are doing okay today.

PS, I wouldnt have an amnio with risk of 1 in 58 either. My first nuchal scan showed a risk of 1 in 2 of Edwards and Patau, 1 in 4 of Downs, and a nuchal score of over 8 that rose to over 10 within 24 hours, plus other factors that got worse/became more evident very quickly.

SB, I dont think you need to worry about forgetting Elliot. Grief doesnt mean forgetting: it means learning to live with the memories and with the loss. You will: we all will. It just takes time and courage and probably a whole lot more.

Hugs from me to you all anyway. xx

WantsToBeAMan Sun 11-Dec-11 15:18:26

Is it possible to ask for a c section if you have a miscarriage post 20 weeks?
Not on the NHS, but if you're going private.

If I was to go through this, there is no way I would agree to be induced and go through L&D. I am ashamed to admit, I would not want to hold or name the baby either. sadsad

I think I would cope better that way.

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