I've been so down about losing my baby. I thought maybe if I write my jellybean a letter it might help me feel better, read it if you want, I needed to let out some of my feelings, there's so much more but the pain takes over, please if you do read this don't write anything you wouldn't want to hear
To my baby peanut, my little jellybean, my beautiful little Angel baby, <br />
<br />
I remember all too well the test saying pregnant - 3weeks +<br />
<br />
The feeling of shock and happiness and everything all at once, the tears instantly came flooding from my eyes, everything in my world changed, my world was now yours and you were my everything .<br />
<br />
After the first initial day of shock I got so excited, finally after watching my friends become mums it was my turn, time for my mini me to come along and cause chaos something, someone I had always wanted.<br />
<br />
Me and your dad loved you from the very beginning, I was so excited when I saw the midwife and she told me we will get an early scan to find out how many weeks I was, when the day came to see you I was so angry with how long I sat there waiting, nearly 3hrs just for a quick scan where I get to see you for 5 minutes, now I would give anything to be back there waiting to see you...there you were, my precious lil peanut, that's how u looked to me, my little peanut with a heartbeat, she said you were 8 weeks 5/6days..My heart melted my baby is healthy and ok and older than I thought . I walked back to my car with tears of joy<br />
<br />
That was it from that day I knew how old u were was the day me and your dad started to prepare for you to join us, babygrows, socks, vests, blankets, shoes, nappies, toys, dummies, babywipes a lot of babywipes, we were just so excited everywhere there was baby clothes, stuff to look at to get you, planning what buggy i would get you and what cot you will sleep in....the thought of you never coming never even crossed my mind all I could think about was you growing, looking online what you would look like now and how big you would be.<br />
<br />
Sept 4th came, my birthday jus a normal day as far as anyone would know, went for a meal, just generally looked forward to seeing you the next day, tomorrow would be my 12 week scan you would be there in full affect looking like a baby with a big old head<br />
<br />
<br />
Sept 5th, your dad had an emotional day, had been at a funeral for a close friend and had been having this feeling of something not being right since waking, little did we know that feeling was you :'(<br />
<br />
We went to our scan to come and see you, your dad missed the first one so he was looking forward to seeing you so bad, so happy when we walked into that building<br />
<br />
I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago<br />
Lying on that bed<br />
Looking up at that screen<br />
**<br />
My thoughts:<br />
Where's my peanut ?<br />
Oh there you are ...<br />
What's going on<br />
Why are you so small<br />
Why dont you look how I pictured you with that big head you see in scans<br />
What's wrong with my baby ?<br />
<strong>*</strong><br />
Reality - the lady looked at us<br />
I'm so sorry<br />
Your baby has no heart beat<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My life ended<br />
I instantly broke down<br />
<br />
What do u mean there's no heartbeat?!?<br />
You had a heartbeat, you had been growing you were my bean where have u gone ?! Why don't I feel like your gone??<br />
<br />
Your dad, I've never seen him like that before, crying, sobbing like me we held each other, we held you through me<br />
We loved you<br />
<br />
Nothing was the same<br />
I don't remember anything else anyone said to Me that day, I remember you<br />
I cried for you<br />
Forever<br />
<br />
There were no signs you had left us, no way of us knowing you weren't just our Angel anymore, now your heavens angel, my peanut, my jellybean, my Angel was gone and I didn't even know it :'(<br />
<br />
I love you, I still can't believe your gone, Ino u didn't wanna go because I had to have an operation, your soul still lives with me even though for some reason it was unable to live in me :( I still feel you with me I just wish you were here<br />
I think about you every day<br />
You were my world<br />
You are my world<br />
I never got to touch you but you touched me, you gave me feelings I've never felt before<br />
Untill the day I meet you I will always miss you<br />
<br />
I will carry on trying to have your little brother or sister but I will never replace you, I will never forget you<br />
<br />
All I have is memories of feelings<br />
Memories of scans<br />
Toys you never got to play with<br />
Clothes you never got to wear<br />
A memory of a life that never got to live<br />
<br />
I love you my baby Angel bean<br />
<br />
<br />
Xx<br />
<br />
Love your mummy who wishes you were here still growing with me<br />
<br />
Promise you'll be alright, until the day I can hold you tight, promise you'll be alright xxxxxx
