Finally I have to vent

(21 Posts)
Homelander Tue 08-Apr-14 22:24:16

So I had the first missed miscarriage at 11.5 weeks 10 months ago, alone, away from home, 4 weeks after my grandfather died. It turned out to have been an empty sac that had stopped growing at 7 weeks.

Second miscarriage was twins, only 9 weeks pregnant this time, on the way to my father in law's funeral, having had the scan confirming two blighted ovums the day after he died.

Got pregnant again, was sure it was another blighted ovum, but there was a heartbeat at 7 weeks, cried floods of tears in the EPU when I found out. Cried again at the perfect 12 week scan. Again when the nuchal results came back as 1in 2,500. Finally began to relax a little at 16 weeks and started to tell people.

Then came a huge bleed one night after dinner at 16+5. I had had a placental abruption and my son was gone. The staff at the maternity unit said it would have been very quick. Sent me home having taken a pill and told to come back in 36 hours when they would induce labour. I ended up going into labour very early the next morning and delivering him in our bathroom at home. The doctor who manually removed my placenta when I got to hospital unfortunately didn't scan to check it was all gone and after 3 weeks of pain and bleeding, I had my first ERPC. This Thursday I am due to have my 3rd.

And I now feel like a terrible person because we heard tonight that my DH's friend's wife has given birth to a son, due the same time as our twins would have been due. I just cried when I heard. We also heard today when our son's cremation is happening. I sincerely am very glad that all went well for them and they have their beautiful son, I just want mine too. All my lost babies.

I am writing here as I need to vent, it's been a shit 11 months. Though I am still trying to focus on my blessings, my beautiful DD and DH.

Thank you for reading my story, it helps to let it out.

OurMiracle1106 Tue 08-Apr-14 22:31:21

I am so sorry for your loses. I know how hard it is to lose a child. Though both my mmc's were between 8 and 9 weeks (though was 14 weeks when I found out with my first) it gets more bearable. Of course you will feel emotional.

Hugs.
thanks

Only1scoop Tue 08-Apr-14 22:40:22

Op I'm so so sorry to hear of your losses. You have been through so much.

I lost ds at 17 weeks in December and can totally relate to your feelings of relief following scans ....nuchal etc and thinking all is good. So truly devastating when things go wrong.

Such difficult times for you and am thinking of you.thanks

MrsNooneNow Tue 08-Apr-14 22:46:01

Vent away...

I've experienced 1 mmc & that was bad enough. I can't comprehend what you've experienced or how your feeling.

Sending you a massive hug. Take care & very best of luck for the future. X

AngusAndElspethsThistleWhistle Tue 08-Apr-14 22:46:17

I'm so, so sorry for your losses. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

Homelander Tue 08-Apr-14 22:47:06

Thank you OurMiracle and Only. Really sorry to hear of your losses.

I really want a sibling for my DD and will try again, but am scared of how I will cope if I lose another. I am 40, so don't have the luxury of too much time to wait.

Homelander Tue 08-Apr-14 22:48:39

MrsNoone and Angus, thanks for your lovely posts.

Only1scoop Tue 08-Apr-14 22:52:47

Oh home.... I totally can relate to that....I've just turned 41 and dd is almost 4. I'm terrified to try again. We waited until about 15 weeks to tell anyone and dd was so excited. Telling her about the baby was the worst thing I've ever had to do.

I'll be thinking of you.

Homelander Tue 08-Apr-14 22:59:21

Only, you have made me well up, at least my dd has only just turned 2 and didn't really know about it. Telling your dd must have been awful.

Thing is, I know I will try again, I really don't want her to be an only child. But, if I do manage to get pregnant again and I do by some miracle manage to carry to full term, it will have been a very long 9 months. Because I had no warning of any problems with this pregnancy until the abruption actually happened, that I will be worrying the whole way through.

Thinking of you too. thanks

Oh my goodness OP, your story is so similar to mine. After I had my DD, I had 3 MC trying to have a second child. The first 2 were relatively early on, but the third was at 17 weeks. I too thought I was "safe" to tell people after the 12-week scan, and was devastated when it happened. I also was given that pill and ended up losing the baby on the bathroom floor the next morning, followed by an ERPC at hospital. It was so traumatic. I really feel for your losses, it is a terrible, painful thing to come to terms with.

The reason I am sharing all of this is to tell you that on the 4th attempt I got pregnant with my DS. I didn't even wait for a period before trying to conceive again - and got pregnant straight away. I was referred to a multiple miscarriage clinic, and prescribed an aspirin a day - no idea if this actually helped or not, but DS is now 4 years old. You're right that I did worry all the way through the pregnancy. But the hospital were very good - I had extra scans and checks.

So there is hope! I sincerely hope your next pregnancy is successful. And be kind to yourself - don't feel bad about crying when others around you are having babies. It is hard. Thinking of you. thanks

MyLatest Tue 08-Apr-14 23:23:39

So sorry for your losses Homelander. Vent away. Everyone needs a safe space to do that and we are here for you. Your feelings are totally understandable.

DubBgoodToMe Wed 09-Apr-14 07:33:05

Your post bought tears to my eyes. You're a very strong person! I hope things turn around for you! Wishing you all the best xXx

bakingtins Wed 09-Apr-14 07:58:45

homelander I am so sorry for all you've been through. You would have to be a saint not to struggle to be happy for others in the midst of all that misery. If you want some company you will be v welcome on the RMC thread, some of the ladies on there have had later losses, and many of us are 40 ish. Thinking of you and your family at this terrible time. flowers

Homelander Wed 09-Apr-14 08:22:17

Iwasyoungonce, that is a weirdly similar story! Thank you so much for posting, it does help to hear that someone else has been through something similar and managed to have a successful pregnancy.

MyLatest, yes my friends and family IRL have been amazing, but I don't like to keep "going on about it" to them, but want to talk about it, so this has really helped.

Dubbegoodtome - thank you for your kind words.

Bakingtins I will head over to the RMC thread - thank you for your post and the flowers smile

marshmallowpies Wed 09-Apr-14 09:53:32

Homelander, what a lot you've been through in such a short space of time. I've just had my first MC and god knows that was bad enough. I too have a beautiful DD and am clinging to her with all my might.

I never felt so strongly before that I needed to have a second child - after the joy of having one I didn't get broody for a long time, but it was more for her sake I felt I should do it, I want her to have a sibling to grow up with. And now that I have been pregnant and lost it, now that I know I CAN still get pregnant (at 37), I want it more desperately than ever.

Such a lot you've been through. Lots of hugs.

Homelander Mon 27-Oct-14 21:13:34

As an update to this, I am pregnant again - 8 months after losing our little boy. 6+3 tomorrow by my reckoning. I am having an early scan in the morning to see whether it is viable at this stage - have history of MMCs - empty sacs.

Feeling numb about it really. Though I am thankfully in a much much better place than when I wrote my OP. I am just trying to ignore the fact that I am pregnant - well, as much as I can do with progesterone pessaries and clexane injections to take!

Erica21 Mon 27-Oct-14 22:49:45

Hey Homelander
Just lending an ear for support. Congrats on the pregnancy, keeping everything crossed for you. My year hasn't been quite so awful, but in the last 3 months I've had a mmc at 12 weeks with the MC at home then an ERPC, my 2 yr old son in great Ormond street for all sorts of tests, my DH's grandad passed away and I'm now 9 weeks pregnant with a huge hematoma and heavy bleeding every day. Life can be a bitch and I'm feeling for you right now. Keep me posted about tomorrow xx

bakingtins Mon 27-Oct-14 22:56:17

Good luck tomorrow homelander really hope this is your rainbow.

Homelander Sat 01-Nov-14 20:11:09

Thanks Erica and Baking

Erica, your year sounds pretty awful to me. thanks for you. Hope your son is OK and I have my fingers crossed for you with your pregnancy.

Well, there was a heartbeat. It was very strange, I felt numb on seeing it and felt numb for the rest of the day. I think I am trying to stay emotionally detached from this pregnancy for as long as I can. But felt very emotional the day after. I have another scan in 3 weeks as the consultant said it was "very early" and he wants to check progress then.

The consultant I saw, said that with my age (41), my results on some blood clotting tests when I was pregnant with my DD (tests now normal) and my bicornate uterus, I am an "interesting" case! I think he was trying to say that my poor little bean has challenges ahead..

Anyway, today i am pregnant...

Erica21 Sat 01-Nov-14 22:57:24

Homelander, I am so pleased for you and will keep everything crossed for you. Sadly after two separate scans with a heartbeat we didn't have one yesterday. The hematoma 'won' so now I am numb and waiting for this endless weekend to be over and for Monday for my 2nd ERPC in 3 months. Sending you lots of positivity for happier times. Xxx

Happyhens Sat 01-Nov-14 23:03:01

Good luck OP.

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