41 and just had my secong miscarriage, should I give up?

(19 Posts)
MumHoll Sun 02-Dec-12 15:12:36

I have two Dcs I was 37 and 38 when I had them. I had my first miscarriage when I was 40 I was 10 weeks. I then found I couldn't get pregnant and had tests done and they found I have a low amh (2.7) and fertility doctor said I had a very low chance of getting pregnant naturally so me and DH decided to have IVF this failed, then a natural cycle IVF which failed too. To my absolute delight I then fell pregnant naturally. On Friday I went to hospital for a scan at 10 weeks to find there was no heartbeat and the baby had died 3 days before. We are so devastated as I feel this was my last chance and now it is over for me and I don't think I can accept it. Am I just torturing myself as my eggs are too old? Should I give up? Any advice or positive stories that could keep my spirits up I would be so grateful. Thank you for reading this rather long post. x

Geekster Mon 03-Dec-12 10:52:30

I don't think 41 is that old, if you are still ovulating and producing eggs there is no reason why you might not be lucky. I suppose it depends how much you are prepared to go through for another dc. I'm in a not too dissimilar position. I had my dd in march at the age of 39, I turned 40 in July and would love another, but I don't know if I could go through any more miscarriages. It really is a hard decision isn't it?

I know that wasn't very helpful, but I think there is still a possibility for you to have another dc.

MumHoll Mon 03-Dec-12 11:28:08

Thank you for your reply Geekstar I was a bit worried noone was going to respond - feeling very sensitive and isolated at the moment. Only me and DH knew about the baby, we were so excited. This baby meant everything to me but now I am getting on with things and seeing people and pretending as if I've lost nothing, I just want to howl. Some times I think I've still got a couple of years left and part of me tells me I should give up, I just can't let go.
Congratulations on your DD, did you have many MCs beforehand? (if you don't mind me asking)

3littlefrogs Mon 03-Dec-12 11:31:43

I had my 3rd dc at 42. One of dd's school friends was born when her mum was 44. I think everyone is different, but I understand your fear of having another miscarriage. I have experienced miscarriage and I really feel for you.

I think you have to talk it through with your DH and weigh up the pros and cons. If you agree on a way forward, then at least you can support each other.

MumHoll Mon 03-Dec-12 11:43:32

Thanks littlefrogs, that is a positive story and good advice. I feel like I don't trust my body anymore. Everything was going so well, I had morning sickness, sore breasts (I still do) I still haven't started bleeding yet so my body is holding on - if I hadn't gone for that scan I would have known. I think I will be going for medical management this week as the natural way may take weeks and it's like torture. I'm a mess.

nananaps Mon 03-Dec-12 11:49:28

Hi there.

If you feel like you can go on then dont give up.

After 7 miscarriages, at the age of 42, im 31 weeks pregnant with a baby i never thought i would ever have.

We had given up completely and i was waiting to take the pill. SO miracles do happen smile

Geekster Mon 03-Dec-12 12:19:55

Hi MumHoll, if you want to howl then do it. You head will be all over the place at the moment there is no way you will be able to make a rational choice about trying again at the moment. Horrible as it is once the miscarriage is complete you will be able to start healing and grieving, give yourselves time to see how you feel about trying again. I had six miscarriages before I had my dd.

If you do have to go for medical management try not to worry too much about it as it really isn't too bad. It's the horrible limbo you are in at the moment, there's no way you can make a rational descicion.

I hope you get sorted out soon, and I wish you all the best xx

MumHoll Mon 03-Dec-12 14:25:29

Congratulations nananaps! I hope everything goes well, so comforting to hear positive stories of hope. Thank you for your words everyone who replied, they mean a lot to me.
I am now booked in for medical management and take the pessaries on friday, I'm not sure what to expect as I had a d&C with my first MMC. After this is complete I will then take some time to grieve and make some decisions.
Your strength has given me comfort and hope xxx

MistressIggi Mon 03-Dec-12 20:18:11

Mumholl have they talked to you about testing, I know this is often only after 3 but they can/should take age into account. I started trying for dc2 at 39 - mc. Then 3 more mcs at 40, then pg at 41 and had lovely ds2 a month before I turned 42. For me it was very hard trying to decide 'when is enough?'. I started treatment for elevated natural killer cells after the 4th so I had a reason to keep hoping, I suppose. All the best with whatever you decide.

MumHoll Tue 04-Dec-12 13:33:45

Thanks for advice Mistress. I'm sorry for your losses. I hadn't thought about asking for them to test as I presumed they wouldn't because of my age and also I already have two children. I'm going into hospital in the morning so will ask them before I have to take the first pill (I'm having medical management)

lotsofcheese Tue 04-Dec-12 18:43:02

So sorry to hear of your loss mum. Miscarriages are horrible, and mmc so cruel, as you have no idea anything is wrong.

I'm not sure if this will help you or not. I'm 40 & on my "last-chance-saloon" pregnancy. I have DS (3) but he came very early due to PE & spent a long time in NICU. After a lot of soul-searching, we decided to try agin.

I was pregnant within a few months but had a m/c at 6/7 weeks (which was subsequently diagnosed as a molar pregnancy).

After 6 months of follow-up testing, I was given the all-clear to try again & got pregnant in April. Had a good scan at 8+5 but had the tiniest bit of spotting at 11+5. It was a mmc. We were gutted.

We decided to give it "one last shot" & I'm currently 16+4. It's been extremely nerve-wracking & I've really struggled emotionally.

However I didn't want DS to be an only child, so that was my motivation.

I really hope you find peace of mind, whatever you decide. However, just now might not be the best time for making decisions.

Take time to recover, then see how you feel x

stmalo Tue 04-Dec-12 20:43:12

mumholl, sorry to hear you story, It's not the right time to make the decision, you need a few weeks, to get your head around this m/c and during that time I'm sure you'll go through the emotions of desparately wanting to be pregnant to not wanting to try again and every emotion in between! You will make a decision but give yourself a little time - good luck xxxx

Bakingtins Wed 05-Dec-12 14:50:07

Mumholl I'm really sorry you've lost another baby. I'm in a similar situation, I have 2 DCs and had a MC between then and another recently after TTC no3 for a year. I had medical management - my advice would be make sure they send you home with some decent painkillers because paracetamol was not up to the job. I'm 38. We've decided to give it one last shot, if I MC a third time then I don't think I have the stamina to put everyone through it again.
My lovely friend had one DD then 2 miscarriages and now has a lovely boy, she was 42 when she had him.
I have days when I think I should just be grateful for my lovely boys and not go through the stress of TTC and possibly MC again, and days where I know my family doesn't feel completed yet. At the moment I'm at peace with my decision to have one more try, whether if it did go wrong I'd find it easy to let it go I don't know.
I hope it all goes smoothly for you on Friday. If you do decide to try again there is a nice thread about TTC after MC on the conception board.

MumHoll Wed 05-Dec-12 16:58:58

Thanks for all your supportive messages. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I feel my family is not yet complete. I feel that if the 3rd doesn't happen I will never really get over it and I will carry the feeling of loss with me for the rest of my life. The strength of my longing for another child is physical as well as emotional, some days it is overwhelming. It's something I feel I can't talk about as I know I should be grateful for the gifts I have been given but I can't help the way that I feel.
The messages that I have had on here have been so comforting and have made me feel more hopeful for the future, this has been a great help to me.

I'm dreading Friday. As I am over 35 I have to have it in hospital and will not be allowed home until it is complete - at least they will have some pain relief there if things get hard. The chaplain will be coming to see me on Friday, I'm not religious and not sure if this will be a comfort to me or not.

lotsofcheese congratulations, I truly wish you all the best and send you strength to get through this nerve wracking time x
stmalo thank you for your words, I read your other thread and feel for you so much, I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. I wish you well x
Bakingtins Sorry for the losses you've hard, it's awful when you've been trying for so long to lose your precious one. Thank you for the advice, I will be in hospital so hopefully they can give me some strong pain relief if things get tough. If you have one last try (which I think I will) I hope you find courage,strength and success x

Bakingtins Thu 06-Dec-12 20:09:17

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. I ended up in hospital with first MC and saw the chaplain - she was the only person who treated it as anything other than a medical problem. I think they are very used to dealing with people of any faith or none - we were able to write an entry for the hospital book of remembrance and to have some input into the joint cremation service which is held for babies born before the point where they have a seperate funeral. It helped to know my baby was treated with some respect. I hope the staff are kind to you and it all goes as smoothly as possible.

monsterchild Thu 06-Dec-12 20:18:26

MumHoll, I don't know if it will help, but I am due with my first child and I'll be 42. Over the last 1.5 years I've had 2 mmc, and was told that I should consider donor eggs, as IVF wouldn't do anything for us, as my ovular function was low.
within a month of getting that news I was pregnant through hard work and dedication naturally.

that was March, and as I said, I am due with a kidlet any time now (I'm at 38 weeks). All seems to be a ok with kidlet, we passed all the scans and tests with flying colors. I'm not even high-risk anymore except for being decrepit.

So it can happen for you too!

MumHoll Sat 08-Dec-12 20:37:01

Thank you for thinking of me Bakingtins x
Monsterchild congratulations, what a wonderful story of hope, thank you for sharing x

I hope you don’t mind me sharing this experience with you. I went in for my medical management yesterday, I had the pessaries and then tablets every 3 hours. I was in from 9.30am. Straight away my contractions started but not a lot was passing, it was painful, I was offered gas and air but it settled and I managed on paracetamol and codeine.

During the day the sun shone through the window and I dozed on the bed and fell asleep and had the most peaceful dream. I know this will sound hokey and sentimental (If you knew me I'm neither) the baby inside me came to me in my dream, a girl. I held her as a baby, I took her to her first day at school. I met her first boyfriend. We went shopping together. I was there when she got married, we danced together. I held her hand as she gave birth. She gave me a huge cuddle and a kiss and we said goodbye. I saw her vividly. I woke up and I felt so calm and peaceful. I had no pain after this point. I felt we had said our goodbyes and felt calm and settled.

They kept me in over night as it wasn't complete. In the morning they came and gave me two options, to start the process all over again or to go to theatre for a D&C. I didn't want any more tablets, I didn't want to go to theatre. They said have a think about it. I went to the loo and felt something very gently coming away from me. I caught the sac, with the very small baby, in my hand. There was no pain and it felt very natural. I said my goodbyes and told her I would always love her. I then buzzed and the nurse came and said the miscarriage was complete and they would take the baby and sac away to be tested and then send to the crematorium (where my fist MC went)
The doctor came to see, said it was complete and said I could go home. It’s been very emotional but I feel at peace at the moment (I know this may be the hormones)
I hope you don’t mind me sharing this. Writing it down has been a help, as I’ve told no one about this pregnancy or the miscarriage so it’s helpful to get it off my chest.

Geekster Sat 08-Dec-12 20:52:02

What a lovely post MumHoll, it brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad you had such a feeling of peace and calm, and that you sound at peace and have accepted what has happened to you. I don't think it's the hormones I genuinely believe that your baby girl was there telling you she is at peace and telling you to not be too upset.

Bakingtins Sat 08-Dec-12 21:09:58

That sounds as positive as saying goodbye to your baby could possibly be. I hope that sense of peace stays with you.

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