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I miscarried our first baby at 20 weeks 2 weeks ago. My DH and I are heartbroken & this would be bad enough but we are struggling to cope with everyone else's reaction. I know people are trying to be helpful in saying things but it is really hard to cope with their reactions ....we have parents and IL's crying down the phone twice a day, (ringing to see 'how we are' apparently), yesterday one of my friends going on about how the baby will be reincarnated and then today one of my family said to me 'at least labour with the next one will be easier as you will have been stretched out having this one' which I found hideous. I feel like I could cope if I could just shut out the world, but i know that isn't an option. How do i get people to just shut up?

So sorry for your loss- can you put your answer machine on ? Let people know you both need some space ? xx

So sorry you are having to go through this. People are amazing aren't they? Could you go away for a bit? Even just for a few days, week at most? Just removing yourself from home for a little while, and being somewhere completely anonymous for a few days can be just the ticket. Plus you have a good excuse for people not to call and you aren't going to bump into anyone. Failing that just have a phrase in your head, that you can use time and again, 'actually I find that quite offensive / I really can't talk about this today/ I know you mean well, but it's not helping'

Sorry for your loss.
I agree with above but if u can't get away definately put the answer machine on and screen everybody.
xx

thanks for the replies, i really can't get away at the moment, and when i stop answering the phone the family tend to do mad things (like ringing the neighbours and getting them to come round) as they say they can't sleep unless they hear from me every day to make sure i'm ok.....boundaries there probably do need a lot of working on but i'm not in much of a state to do it at the moment. I like the idea of a stock phrase i can use, today i said to someone on the phone 'i don't want to talk about the baby' and then about 2 mins later they brought it up again so i used the same phrase and that seemed to work, finally.....

Hi Boris. The stock phrase gets better bavause the more you say it, the easier it is to say...it just loses it's meaning for you after a while. Hope they all give you a break, you need it

Poor you x 2. Hugs

I'm sorry you had to go through this and people are saying silly things or reacting badly!
I too had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks last year in June and some people did say rather upsetting things. They just don't know how to react as they don't expect you to miscarry at that stage of pregnancy.
I think it is indeed good to say 'I don't want to talk about the baby' Or even tell them your baby's name if you named him/her.
If you would like to talk about it, please do pm me!

My DH and I have just been through the hell you are experiencing this week (Wednesday actually) - we lost our baby girl at 31 weeks. She looked like her dad and I feel your pain and what you are going through utterly and totally.

The only way we are coping with the "insensitive but well meaning" comments is by playing bullshit bingo. Dh and I sat down and listed all of the things people have said to us, or might say and every time we hear one, although it hurts like hell because they are so unbelievably insensitive (and actually, I just want to say to them "Fuck off and die and never contact me again, you moron"), we tick the "shit comment" list and laugh at their stupidity. It's the only way we can cope at the moment, because it means that we're not letting the comments penetrate.

If you need someone to talk to who totally gets what you're going through, (even if it's just to rant and cry and bitch about dumb things people say, feel free to PM).

Qt. xx

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. My heart goes out to you. I miscarried last week and let my friends know, but told them not to phone me or visit me as I just couldn't talk about it, and I'll be in touch soon. I've had lots of texts, I've replied to a couple, but ignored most of them. They are my friends, they will understand. I can't be dealing with 10 texts asking me if I'm alright. The stock answer to that is 'yes, I'm alright' which I can't put as its not true. 'no, I'm completely hysterical, and in no mood for texting' is the truth.

Not sure how to deal with the parents though.

I hope you are beginning to feel a little over the shock. I have found myself travelling through a range of emotions this week, but I do feel marginally better than I did last week already. I wish you all the best xx