In land of the numb, 17 wk baby has just died with cystic hygroma

[cupoftea123]

Not quite sure what to say as my news hasn't fully sunk in yet. Last thursday myself and my husband went for an antenatal scan, where we were told our baby had died. Pregnancy had being going fine. I had spotting a little on Sunday which I knew was common but wanted checking out as I was scared as last Oct I miscarried 'naturally' at 12 wks. On Sunday baby was fine, it's little heart was pumping away, I saw it's fingers wriggling, we took big sighs of relief. The scanographer did mention that there was something that she wasn't sure about and she'd get it checked out by someone else. We didn't pay much attention to that. We got a phone call on Tues saying that we needed to go in again as there was a possibility of an abnormality, we got given the name of cystic hygroma but we had no idea how seriously to take this 'possibility'.
Until Thursday.
I am now booked into the the gyne ward for pills on Tues, then more tablets on Thursday to induce the miscarriage, although what I've read so far sounds like the experience may be more like a labour.
I guess I'm just wanting to gear myself up for the trauma of it all, as at the moment I seem to be in the fairly pain free land of shock and denial.
Any words of support would be greatly appreciated.
X

[fartingfran]

Oh my love, so sorry to hear this. Someone with relevant experience will be along soon I'm sure, didn't want you to go unanswered 'til then. :(

[mumatron]

Im so sorry to hear that cupoftea :(

no advice i'm sorry but hopefully someone will be along soon who can help.

x

[thisisyesterday]

oh cupoftea :( I am so, so sorry for you
I really hope all goes as well as it can on Tuesday :(

[Jan9ne]

Oh cupoftea so so sorry for your loss. I am about to go through an early m/c and my experience pales next to yours.
My SiL had a stillbirth at 24 weeks. She was given whatever pain relief she wanted and the baby was very small. As your baby will be small and as you will be allowed whatever pain relief you want i imagine the physical pain will be nothing like as bad as a full term labour.
A friend of mine had a still birth at 34 weeks last year. It was a terrible time for both my sil and my friend and their families but they both pulled through and had successful pg afterwards - i know that will be the last thing on your mind at the moment though.
My thoughts are with you

[pinkytheshrinky]

No advice sweetheart just heartfelt sympathy xxx

[randomimposter]

I'm so sorry. How terribly sad. I hope your recovery is as peaceful as possible :(

[LittleWhiteWolf]

I'm so sorry, thats so sad for you

Numb sounds normal to me. What horrible news to get, what a shock. It'll take time to sink in.
I had an erpc on Friday; before that I felt fine, coping and everything. Yesterday and today have been much harder, both physically and emotionally. I couldn't grieve until after the surgery. you may find you go through something similar afterwards.

Let us know how you get on and we're all here as listening ears when you want to talk.

[peanuthead]

Tea, I had a termination at 17+ weeks for fatal heart abnormalities. I went on to miscarry my last pg at 19 weeks this time last year and the two experiences were identical. And yes it will be a labour and you will give birth but don't be scared of that.

I found the time in hospital almost restful in a weird way- it's like being in a bubble. Both times we were given a private room and Dh was allowed to stay. The MWs were all wonderful, very sad for us. It took a long time for the pessaries to work - but that depends on the individual I suppose. We took in books, mags etc but TBH I just lay there waiting for most of it. We were in all weekend - ie a night and 2 days for both. I found the actual labour not too bad - but I already have a DD. Also I knew that the whole thing was so terrible that if I got stressed and anxious it would make it so much worse. The MWs offer whatever painrelief you want. Both times I delivered the baby myself and just with me and DH there - the first by accident, the second time the MW knew that I knew the baby was coming and she also knew I'd done it before less than a year ago and sensed I wanted to be left alone. I'm sure there will be someone there with you should you want it. Both times the MW wept when the baby came. They take the baby and wrap him up and you can see him then or later. First time I said I wouldn't see the baby but once he was there I had to, he was so perfect and he was just my baby. Second time, well I knew what he would look like. If you don't want to they will take photos and you can have them at a later date. You might want to take photos yourself too. I have all mine filed away.

What was difficult and often is with second trimester loss is the placenta is small and can get stuck. Second time round I persuaded the Dr to let me sit up and push and the MW trusted me as I'd done it before and it did eventually come so it's worth trying that; first time the cons did get it with alot of rummaging which was pretty rough. But that might not happen to you.

The hospital will organise a funeral and you can go; I think actually you could organise your own if you want to. Also they'll offer you a post mortem.

The time I found hardest both times was coming back home from hospital, back into reality. Not being pg, having to put away all my maternity clothes. I slept really badly and cried for days. Also the second time I actually thought I was going insane. I thought about suicide alot.

I won't lie, it takes a long time; I'm still not right and it's nearly a year since my last one. But then I'm also infertile - maybe getting pg again would help and you can probably do that - although it's not something to think about yet. Just get through the minutes. Sleep. Cry. And every thursday you will think "it was.. weeks ago that I had my baby". And then one day you'll realise that thursday went by and you didn't think it.

[MummyElk]

cupoftea i'm so sorry for you and I hope you know that everyone on MN will be behind you and wishing you well
and peanut i can't not post how amazing your reply is and how much I hope your honest response helps, I hate the fact you've been through this too (twice) but i have to applaud your beautiful writing and your honesty. brave and very powerful

[avaj]

So sorry that you are having to go through this.

I have had 3 mmc, all medically managed and the babies had all stopped growing at about 12 weeks, so smaller than yours.

I have to say that peanuts account is prety much the same as my experience. I am relieved to hear that someone else found the hospital experience 'almost restful', as that is how I would describe it. I was there for something awful, but it was being managed, I was being looked after, and I could totally focus on what was going on.

On each occasion I knew when I was pushing the baby out, and I was glad that I had some time to be alone with them them before I called the mw to come.
Twice I had the problem of the placenta not coming away, and it had to be manually removed, which was probably the worst part, but you can have as much pain relief as you need at any time.

I would advise taking in chocolate, juice, books and magazines, as it can be a long day. Also give yourself plenty of time to rest in the days that follow, as it can be pretty uncomfortable, and you need time to start to come to terms with it all.

Take care, and I hope it is as gentle as it can be. xxx

[cupoftea123]

Just needed to say thankyou so much for such kind words of sympathy, kindness and advice. I want to write more but my thoughts are all over the place. I will come back here to share my story as I slowly heal from this experience. My bag is packed for tomorrow. X

[Imnotaslimjim]

so sorry to hear your news cupoftea. I hope tomorrow goes as ok as it can

I'm rubbish with words so I'll leave you with a [hug]

[peanuthead]

Thinking if you today tea. xx

[ExitPursuedByALamb]

Thinking of you also.

[BrightSideOfLife]

Thinking of you today cupoftea, hope you are doing as well as you can...

Peanuthead - what a beautifully written and honest post. So sorry that you have had to go through this twice....

[cupoftea123]

I wanted to quickly let you all know that I'm ok, well I am and I'm not, I know you know what I mean.
The 'procedure' was ... pain like I've never felt before in my life, this did however subside after my waters broke. Everything that needed to come out did. We had time with the strange creature called my baby, took photos, admired it's tiny fingers, filled in the post mortem form, chatted to nurses, the only thing that I really noticed I felt was relief that the pain had stopped. The placenta plopped out after they'd given me the injection to send it on it's way, so again more feelings of relief. To be honest I was surprised at the lack of blood loss, as my first miscarriage was blood and clots after clots the kind that you see in horror movies. So a different experience once again. Talking of which we're off to watch Hanna tonight at the cinema, I'm in the mood for something gruesome. I didn't feel like writing till today and it seems to be the right place for me. Thanks for listening x

[ExitPursuedByAKitten]

Glad you are on the 'other side' of your procedure and that you have photos. Onward and upward.