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I think I'm Peri-menopausal. How do you deal with the sadness that you didn't get a last baby?

(10 Posts)
hippychick66 Sun 18-Nov-12 20:31:27

Hi. Quick intro. I'm 46. I have 2 sons aged 9 and 12. At 43 my husband and I decided that we would like to try for a cheeky last baby. Sadly, although we were succesful with two pregnancies we lost both (one to a MMC and one to a MC).

It's now been over 2 years since my 2nd loss and I appreciate that any chance of a last baby has most likely passed.

Up until recently I was still having fairly normal cycles with a temp rise which suggested I'd ovulated. Then I started having cycles that suggested I was no longer ovulating and my last cycle was 63 days long with a series of very low waking temps and lots of postive OPKs - which I took to mean that my body was trying to ovulate several times but failing.

Anyway, my questions is this.... How do I come to terms with the fact that I left it too late to realise I really wanted another little one? I know so many women on the TTc over 40 thread who have been lucky and had babies in their early to mid-40s and I feel cheated that I wasn't one of them (despite my best bloody efforts).

Please don't get me wrong - I do have other things that make me happy. I love where I live, my marriage is good, my job is good and I adore my two children.

I'm just keen to know how other people moved on from this point???

amazingmumof6 Mon 19-Nov-12 14:21:11

I sympathize with your sadness and I'm sorry you lost 2 babies. thanks

I don't think you want to hear that it wasn't supposed to be, so I won't say it.

it must be so hard to come to terms with your fertility "winding down", so to speak.

I'd say it is probably best to allow yourself to be grieving the loss of your babies and that you may not be able to have more. don't hide your sad feelings and don't feel guilty that you have them!
you feel the way you do and I'm sure your family & friends understand that those feelings are there separately from other aspects of your life!

Talk to gp and see if you can get counselling.

hippychick66 Fri 23-Nov-12 17:56:12

Thanks amazingmumof6. I do feel like I am definitely off the ttc merry-go-round now. I guess I just have to embrace this next stage of my life and enjoy every stage of my childrens' lives.

neriberi Thu 17-Jan-13 16:57:22

I didn't have my first baby until I was 36, I'm soon to be 39 and know that I've left it far too late for a second. I wasn't very well when I was pregnant and have since discovered that I have a rare genetic condition and I was lucky to have got through the pregnancy in the first place and even more lucky to have a healthy boy. I've been told that trying for a 2nd baby at my age with the condition I have is dangerous and a huge risk to my life, I can feel my ovaries screaming at me but I'm having to ignore them because of the risks.

I've been offered a form of ivf where the embryo is screened for any genetic blips but have declined it, despite having a healthy baby first time round and the potential to have a healthy baby the second time round, the risk to my health renders it useless in my book. However if I had been 10 years younger I would have done it because youth was on my side. Not that I'm old at 38.

I'm now thinking ahead to menopause and I do wonder if I'm starting to enter it already because of the condition I have and I will admit that I'm grieving for the baby I will never have, I'm also angry at myself for leaving it so late but then, had I known 10 years ago what I know now things might have been different.

I've found it hard to get to grips with my situation, even though I understand what's happening and why, I still can't 100% get to grips with it so I'm allowing myself time to grieve and adjust to my predicament.

I'm a huge believer in fate and paths being mapped out and all that new age destiny stuff and believe that where I find myself at this precise moment in time is where I was meant to be. I have a beautiful boy who's healthy and cheeky and is the light of my life, he's my whole world, even though it saddens me that he will never have a sibling I am eternally grateful to have him.

I've also promised myself that I will give my son a colourful life to look back on grin and to never feel sorry for myself or him for not having a sibling. If anything, not being able to have another has made me a better person and will be the making of my son. It does help that he's got cousins to play with and an aunt who is soon to add to the family!

Bumpkinmunchkin Mon 11-Mar-13 21:00:57

I'm 41 and have 2 dc aged 5 and 7. Debated about a third child for too long due to horrendous labour on second child and financially could we afford another child. Decided at 39 to ttc. As I take meds for epilepsy had to wean off them before ttc. A year later found out I was pg but sadly mmc and baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. Emotionally found it hard to accept and only thing that got me through was thought of ttc again. However nearly a year on again and having irregular periods went to gp and a blood test showed very high fsh levels and infact said I should be post menapause. Just can't seem to come to terms with it at all and totally blame myself for taking too long to decide to ttc. Gp says I should go back on meds for epilepsy and I don't need contraception. Although I had AF 4 weeks ago. She also said maybe I'd have a miracle baby. But if my eggs are so old perhaps that would not be a good idea. Feels like everyone around me is pg and can't seem to get a handle on my emotions. Don't get me wrong I am incredibly happy with my two lovely dc but just feel cheated as came so close to our last baby.

MissWooWoo Tue 12-Mar-13 11:44:13

I think you just have to give it time.

I'm 42 and had my dd at 36, then pregnancies at 38 and 39 which ended in MC and MMC respectively. We "actively" tried for another child for a further year after my last MC and then tried for another year by er not trying iyswim during which time it became increasingly obvious that it was highly unlikely that anything was going to happen. On top of this my periods went from a 30/31 day cycle right down to 27/28 day cycle. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that there won't be anymore children for us. I try to see the positives of having just one and don't dwell on the negatives. Every now and again I have a little wobble but am ok after a day or two. Since turning 42 my periods have been all over the place, I've just had a 24 day cycle and the one prior to that was 32 and for the last six months at least I have trouble sleeping when I am about to get my period which I think is due to hormones (?) I think that I may be on the verge of being peri- menopausal. I would really have loved another child but I am so lucky to have such a wonderful fantastic little girl.

Time and looking at the positives is my advice.

Bumpkinmunchkin Tue 12-Mar-13 16:39:52

Thanks misswoowoo, you are of course right and I would say the same if giving advice to a third party. I suppose we just have to say we have it our best shot and wasn't meant to be. I will just have to allow myself the time to get my head around it. It's just very raw at the moment. Sorry to hear you are in the same boat.

invicta Sun 14-Apr-13 22:26:26

I think you are grieving fr the baby you haven't had,,which is a perfectly normal reaction.

hackmum Mon 15-Apr-13 09:50:24

Had my DD in my late 30s. Started trying for a second one when she was two, missed a period, thought I'd caught first time, but it turns out No, that missed period was the first sign of the menopause. I wasn't even 40.

I kicked myself for not trying earlier - we'd actually put it off for a few months as we took a holiday to Australia and I really didn't want to be suffering from morning sickness.

But I came to terms with it. I realised I was lucky to have squeezed in my DD when I did. I could so easily have ended up with no children. That's just the way life is sometimes - it doesn't always turn out the way you planned.

Don't suppose this helps, though. Knowing something rationally doesn't mean you can accept it emotionally.

twirlyagogo Mon 15-Apr-13 09:58:50

Hi hippy!

We were on that ancient women wanting babies thread together for a while - I guess the fact that I clicked on this thread when I was having a quick browse before I start work (honest blush ) means that I still have residual regrets too.

I don't believe in fate or anything like that. I'd still love another but it will never happen now as I've found out there are other problems, but what I keep remembering is the horror of all the miscarriages and how I never want to go through that again. Even now, almost a year from the last one, when I have a heavy period, it takes me back and I'm surprised by the strength of the feelings I still have about the difficulty physical side of miscarrying (for me anyway).

I think also the fact that I stopped counting them tells it's own story - I genuinely don't know how many I've had as I only 'admit' to them after a certain stage.

There aren't any easy answers. I'm dealing with it by keeping it to myself (in real life) and, as I said, concentrating on how hard another mc would be. Take care x

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