Mumsnet Talk

I've been separated from my husband for five months now but we have had trouble since Christmas last year, he was an arse to me when I had PND after DD who is now 2 and he had an 'emotional' affair with a work colleague. I forgave him and wanted to make our marriage work, I took the medication and had counselling and I have changed, he refused to go to Relate and eventually after leaving me three times, decided on the fourth go it was for good!

So why am I still pining for him and secretly hoping he will come back I have moved 300 miles to be near my parents to help out with childcare, support etc and he is still 'down south', I never get in the way of him seeing his daughter, I have even told him he can stay at my house so he doesn't have to pay for a hotel, he doesn't want to though? He comes to pick her up and then I mope about for the rest of the day on my own thinking 'what if'. It is pretty obvious to me that he has absolutely no feelings for me at all and so much has been said that I don't think we could go back anyway.

I can honestly say that I have no respect for him as a husband as he has been so weak and a quitter in not fighting for his marriage and I find this un-attractive in him? But he is a fantastic Dad and my daughter adores him. He has been married before me and split up with her when his youngest son was also 2 (split nothing to do with me!) His father also has three other families who he has messed about and flitted in and out of their lives? Is he repeating history?

So whats going on with me? Someone please give me a kick up the rear and tell me how to move on because I was still awake at 2am go over and over whats happened in my head and its torturing me! I'm trying to come off my anti depressants and have been messing them up, so maybe this is why I feel so fed up? I'm also feeling fat and un-attractive and basically hate the way I look and can't imagine another man would be interested in me and a two year old! She is also going throught the 'terrible two's' and is hard work and I never get a break?

This is such a wingy post ...... sorry!

Just hang in there. His history definitely says 'it's not you, it's him!'

Get your own life sorted. Don't waste another second moping now. Find things to look forward to, make a list of things you've always wanted to do, go out with your friends, find hobbies you've thought about but never acted on. I promise it will get easier, so so easy to say and not live through but it will. It IS a case of mind over matter.

Put all the focus you had for him onto yourself.

Don't stop taking the meds until you feel properly better.

Time will sort this, you are so much better off without him as he WILL do this again. And again.
Is easy to be a part time dad, of course he looked amazing with her if he only sees her for a few hours.

Make this easy for yourself and however hard it hurts keep moving forward as quickest route to recovery. What ifs are a waste of time.

bumping for you as I feel the same about xp a lot of the time, wanting to look him up on fb etc, find out what he's doing....like a teenage crush I suppose. There cannot be any going back for me and I suppose the pining for Xs is just part of the stages of grieving we go through when a relationship ends.

thinkging of you hun xox

Sounds like a definite case of history repeating itself. You are far far better off without someone who cannot support you when you need it.

Don't invite him to stay at yours, minimise contact with him as much as you can, and make plans for straight after he picks your dd up so you can go out somewhere, even if it's just to meet someone for coffee.

I think you're just wasting time if you're hoping he'll come back. You need to make sure you're strong enough that if he ever does come knocking you can tell him to sling his hook..

You need to grieve the relationship, it took me a good the 6 months to go through all the emotions, hurt, anger, loss, they why's and what if's. Think how he treated you, it sounds as if it was inevitable that the relationship would end.

You must keep taking your meds, it's is hard enough to cope as it is without depression as well, make sure you take them first thing in the mornning as if any later they could contribute to poor sleep.

In the meantime, plan your days, write lists of things to do and make sure you see them through.

I struggled as I don't have a lot of money, but found things like walking to the park or going to the local farm where we can feed animals for 20p were great things to do to get out.

I am only 8 months down the line and the divorce is going through, the toughest thing I cope with is the lonliness, so have to kick my own arse and try and find things to do. It is so easy to keep yourself locked away and just function for the DC.

Sending you big hugs xxx

Something that helped me a lot was to make a list of why we were splitting (do it when you are annoyed). Every time I started to idealise him, I went back to the list.

It does also help try not to think much about him, or imagining what it could have been.. You have tried, you tried your best but it is now out of your hands. If you concentrate in distracting yourself everytime you start thinking of what ifs things will get easier, the pain may still be there for a while, but things will be more bearable.

I have a friend who has a good relationship with her exh, who has a fantastic relationship with their DD. She has been waiting for him to realise what a fantastic family they could be if he were happy to try again. Huge mistake, she has been waiting for 11 years, she could be happily married again by now, instead she is still there, waiting for a man who made his final decision so many years ago. Please don't do that, there will be something better for you in the future if you are prepared to let go.