Mumsnet Talk

Forgot a title earlier - so will try again.

DD is 15 months.
XP lives overseas, I moved DD back to the UK at the beginning of September.
XP visited last week for four days. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't terrible.
We have talked about her going to stay with him and I agree that this is fine.

However he suggested that he came to collect her in February and had her for two weeks.
I was a bit taken aback that it seemed very soon - but that is my problem.

The main worry I have is that he won't take time off work to see her - he says he can't.
She will effectively stay with his parents for two weeks and he will see her, lunchtimes, evenings and weekends.

PILs are lovely and I have no worry about her being looked after and so on.

My concerns are...

Two weeks aseems a long time for the first time of her going away from me when she will only be 18 months.
The idea is for XP to see her but he won't really get much time with her.

I thought to suggest that he came over here for a week and then took her there for a week. That way they can get used to each other somewhere familiar before going off on an adventure.

Does that sound reasonable?

Anyone?

I totally agree with you that 2 weeks is a long time for you to be away from your DD, I am separated and my Ds dad and he stays with him every friday night. He has been doing this since he was 6 months old, he is now 4. The topic of them going away for a holiday next year has come about and unless he starts gradually having him for longer lengths of time first, i would not be comfortable with him just taking him straight away. i also think that it would be stressful on the child to be away from their mother for many days if they were not used to it, its not fair!

How to tell him that without it seeming that I am being obstructive. That's the problem.

His parents are used to being the centre of the family and have a very active part in their sons' lives. From what he has said to me and to my mum it is clear that his parents have had a strong influence over this plan.

Is it fair to feel I have the casting vote as the main carer?

the child will be fine if loved and cared for - if the PILs giving her lot sof attention and her dad sees her too i really doubt she will have any major issues. espec as she still young. attention can be easily moved on - where's mummy - see her soon oh ok back to teletubbies/playing/out to park ...

mum might of course have problems but that is not the point - the point is would child cope - the answer is yes she will.

if PILs are great then what is the issue here? soudns like dd would have a great time. also how far away is it? if long flight then two weeks makes more sense. if nearer then suggest one week for now? see how it goes?

cestlavielife - I agree, there are issues here that are more to do with me than with DD, which makes it hard for me to see if I have legitimate concerns and hard to communicate those to XP without sounding like a mad old harridan.

The issue over who looks after her - PILs or XP is indeed my issue and while I would prefer if XP actually took the time off work and looked after her if that isn't going to happen than never mind.

DD is very adaptable and you are right, she would cope.

The whole journey from my house to XPs home is nine hours travelling, so while not the other side of the world it is a fair old trek.

I don't see myself as an overprotective mum but I can't get over the feeling that two weeks away is too long. Maybe I just need to toughen up.

It seems a lot for the first time. Any chance you might persuade XP to do it your way (one week here, one week there) this first time, with a view to moving to the two weeks over there the next time round?

Personally, I wouldn't make an issue out of the fact that your dd will be with her grandparents rather than her father for a lot of that time. The whole extended family thing is important, and I do feel for grandparents that dote on a child but rarely get to see her.

My XP will have our 2-year old DD for a full week over Christmas, which will be our longest time apart. I'm going to distract myself by heading off to Morocco.

Thanks Nickname.
I've just emailed and suggested one week here one week there, or him coming for two weeks and his parents coming the second week.
They get to stay at the house etc etc.

I stated my pref that he looked after DD but said it was my pref rather than an insistence. I know it is something I have to put behind me.

I hope he can see that I am trying to find middle ground.

Morrocco sounds lovely, lucky you.

Ridiculously cheap Ryanair flight to Marrakesh, so I thought why not...

I'd rather been doing a family Christmas with dd, to be honest, but it'll be my turn to have her next year.

I hope your ex is reasonable and sees that you're trying to accommodate him.

I think as the main carer you do have the main responsibility to decide what's right for your child. You know how the child is likely to react eg. how easy she will find being away from you. You have made a very reasonable suggestion.