XP not bothered to see kids but telling them BS - ADVICE PLS!(11 Posts)
I've been reading in the lone parent folder ever since XP left me
with DD (9) and DS (3.5) last August.
9 months on and the kids + I are doing great (new home, new job, fresh start).
However, XP is not seeing the kids regularly
-started with 2 hrs per week after work (where he would sit on my sofa and moan about how broke he was after leaving me with £1000+ rent debts!)
and now he hasn't seen them at all since we moved into the new house mid-March !
During his last visit, we exchanged words (I had let him walk all over me up to that point but had had enough when he visited in the new home for the first time and started having a go again) which resulted in him storming out the door.
Since then, all communication has been via text/email.
I laid down some much needed ground rules (e.g. regular access, not in my house) but made it clear that I WANT him to have contact with the kids, repeatedly.
Well, he hasn't replied to any of my emails (we texted to start with)
and now only communicated through DD.
She has her own email account and emails him a couple of times a week. He sometimes replies.
Sorry about the long back-story!
XP has now started promising the odds to DD (taking her away to London for a day, taking her ice-skating etc) but refuses to agree
a time/day with me.
Basically, he makes plans for DD and himself but when I step in and say 'please check with me first', nothing ever comes of it.
It's obvious to me that he's full of s*!t, however he continuously sets up DD for more disappointment, knowing full well that he can't take her anywhere unless he talks to me first.
It was DD's b-day last week and he didn't see her or called.
He sent her yet another email that evening, still going on about
taking her on a day trip...
I have now suggested finding a mediator or using a contact centre for regular access since he clearly can't communicate with me at all
(he has ignored ALL of my emails in the last 2 months and they were all very civil and accommodating)
I'm resigning to the fact that the kids won't see him again in the near future until he realizes what he's missing out on.
But he keeps stringing DD along and she obviously believes everything he suggests (keeps saying he still has Xmas pressies waiting for her... plus now a birthday 'suprise')
Should I limit direct contact between them or wait for DD to see for herself that her father is a lying ba$!ard ?
Oh yeah, and he hasn't paid a penny in maintenance since he left
-I let him off to start with b/c he was in a lot of debt, but his loans should be paid off now and even if he's not seeing the kids, he should still be paying, right ?
There's no point trying to talk money with him so will have to go through the CSA (prob won't get more than 5 quid a week considering his wages are already being garnished).
Sorry about the long rant,
any advice or help appreciated !
PS: I realize that a lot of kids grow up without their dads around or that a lot of fathers decide not to be involved, but he had a very close relationship with DD especially (DS doesn't even ask about him anymore) and we had an amicable separation, spent Xmas together and I was convinced he would do his bit to stay in contact... he keeps telling DD how much he misses them, but then why won't he get over himself and make contact arrangements with me ??
personally I would email him and ask which days of the week and time would he like contact each week, in fact I'd be tempted to copy your dd in - that may make him respond...
Tbh I think this sort of contact with a parent is more harmful that never seeing them again (not that im suggesting that for you)
Yes to contacting family mediation.
Sorry but yes you do have to let him keep hurting her an support her as best you can
My x is like this. He promises the world and a bit more to the children on the phone, cannot (apparently) contain his excitement about seeing them, and has in reality seen them once in nearly 10 months (that was not organised by him). I have confronted this behaviour, and apparently it is all my fault and he has ignored me . I have judged the children to be reasonably laissez faire about him (he is playing less and less of an important part of their lives through his choice, and told them that daddy loves them and can be unreliable so not to take him at face value, but that not all adults are like that. I don't want to say 'bad' things about him, but can't allow him to wax lyrical about how very very very much he loves them, when he can't be bothered to see them.
Thank you for all your quick feedback !
Good idea about cc'ing my daughter in my emails to her dad
-the last email I sent him, was from her account anyway.
Not that he ever replies though and I doubt he would go for
it if I asked him or offered him a day each week -he'll just ignore it!?
It just makes me so mad, because he keeps telling DD
how much he loves and misses them but that apparently it's 'difficult' for him to see them ATM (meaning, I don't let him flounce in and out of the house whenever he pleases anymore and am taking a stand for once -not in so many words, of course)
So should I let this on-going email conversation between DD and XP continue then until she loses interest ?
I could enforce zero contact but then I'm the 'bad guy' and DD would find a way to email him anyway. And I don't exactly want to say 'you are not allowed to speak to your dad'
It still baffles me how these fathers can just walk out of their kids' lives and not look back !?
Good idea about cc'ing my daughter in my emails to her dad
Please please don't do this.
Your poor DD will be totally torn apart by her parents arguing, and bewildered by the fact that she is being copied into the messages.
My DSD, who is now 15, was dragged into the middle of her parents disagreements when she was 12, and she has now told both of them how much she hated it at the time - she wanted them to sort it out without involving her.
Have you got a copy of the CAFCASS Guide for Separated Parents? It has some good advice for parents who are facing an "unreasonable" ex like yours is being.
I have to say...If EX is going to let daughter down she is going to have to learn the hard way... I would be clear...If Dad wants to see you he can make arrangements through me and support her through the heartache.. If you restrict access to ex she will blame you and then she will feel she has no one in her corner..
I also agree I wouldn't be CC ing emails...
I don't really see the difference in cc'ing or not cc'ing her because
a) he doesn't reply to me anyway, he ONLY writes directly to DD
b) I'm pre-approving all her emails BECAUSE he doesn't reply to me directly
Anyway, I haven't done this and probably won't have to because,
as mentioned above, he's not going to reply to me.
And we don't argue.
I basically try to have a grown-up agreement about when and how he's going to see the kids, but I've been talking to the wall for the last 3 months.
I'm also not interested in restricting access.
But I WILL stop her reading her Dad's emails if they're inappropriate.
And I have made it very clear who is letting who down and
what her dad has to do in order to see her (and then let HER do the math because she KNOWS he's not been replying).
But I could talk about this all day long and it wouldn't make a difference, because he obviously doesn't care enough to get in touch.
I sent him that final email almost a week ago now.
I am not going write another one.
This is it.
He either puts in the effort and makes arrangements with me (or finds a mediator or contact centre) or his inactivity is going to speak loudly enough for the kids to get the 'message'.
What a loser.
using your DD email account to email her father so she can see it is not a good idea if this ever went to court , this would not go down well!
I do see your reasoning but I am afraid she has to learn the hard way.
use your own email account make it clear what contact you are offering and that you would be open to negotiate if he thinks differnet arrangements would be in DD intrests.
This is your proof that you are open to contact do this once per month.
Unfortuanately when separation happens some dads do walk away, some will tell the children untruths ie mums stopping me see you, some may leave it for some time then apply to court saying you are refusing all contact, if they haven't had contact a court is likely to belive that you are stopping the contact. if you use your daughters account and submit that as evidence as proof you have offered contact the court may see it badly.
There are good dads and bad dads, unfortunately children can suffer , never stop your DD contacting your ex if she wants to even if you do not want to see her disappointed ( which is had to watch) you must not involve your self in their relationship, just be there to pick up the pieces.
Thanks for that ! I had no idea -we were never married so no courts have been involved so far, and I doubt they will but you're right -better stay on the safe side in that respect.
I did email him from my account today, suggesting some reading material on the gingerbread and caffcas websites.
Again, unlikely he will read it but hey-ho.
Good to know about offering contact once a month.
So, what if I never hear from him again ?
Can I, at some point, revoke his parental rights ?
I hope it won't come to that and that he'll see sense soon-ish.
Thanks again for all the help!
If he walks away , he walks away nothing you can do about it.
Is his name on the birth certificate? if it is he has parental rights and revoking them is almost impossible. Also your daughter may not thank you for doing so in future years. it her dad good or bad.
You are intilled to child support even if he has no contact with your DD.
Often when CSA becomes involved dads suddenly decide they want more contact!
Best advice i can give you is to let things play out on thier own whilst covering your own back with evidence just in case. Support your DD descions in regard to contact with her father and be there emotionally for her.
children do not want to be embroilled in the seperation. So dont bad mouth your ex to her, it is unfortunate that some NRP use there children as pawns in a game, they promise the child many things nice days out presents etc then blame the RP falsely for the fact that contact does not take place. If your ex is trying this try your best to aggree to the contact he wants that way your DD will see that you are promoting contact.
Pick your battles cafefully with ex, let the small things go .
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