DS crying for absent dad. Advice from those in similar situations please.

(9 Posts)
duffybeatmetoit Mon 25-Feb-13 21:35:31

Stbxh visits every three weeks or so. DD (5) finds it very hard. She puts on a front when talking to him as she thinks that will make him come back but dissolves after he has gone. I do what others have suggested but she can't understand why if she loves me why daddy doesn't. Stbxh won't discuss anything that is upsetting her as he feels it is a criticism of his decision to leave. He never asks how she is for the same reason. If I was to try and bring it up now he would accuse me of lying because he never witnesses it.

It breaks my heart to see her so unhappy.

DeltaUniformDeltaEcho Mon 25-Feb-13 20:22:38

My DD has never known her dad and has gone through periods of upset similar to your ds.

I always just point out all the people in her life that do love her and are here for her. As she's grown older (12) I do acknowledge that it's a valid response to never knowing him but that we can't change his behaviour towards her. We can only try and control how she lets it effect her now.

In some ways I think she's had it easier then if he was in and out of her life and contact was sporadic.

All you can do is be there for him and make sure he knows he has lots of family that do love him lots.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Mon 25-Feb-13 20:22:32

It,s hard when he,s so young, to try and explain, but your ds needs to know, it,s nothing he,s done, his. daddy loves him, just can,t see him right now.

It,s so sad, ffs what,s wrong with these men?
How can they detach like that?

Can I recommend a childrens book?
It,s called No matter What by Debbi Gilori, it just a small fox having a bad day and his big fox going through various senarios, what if I was a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?
The fox asks the big fox " does love wear out, can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?"
The big fox answers "Oh help i,m not that clever, i just know, i,ll love you forever"

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Wallison Mon 25-Feb-13 20:14:58

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this. My son was similarly upset at a similar age and I just kept on repeating that I knew he was unhappy about it, and that I was sorry that he was feeling so sad, but that I loved him very much and reminding him of the other people in his life who also loved him (grandparents and other family) - I wanted to do that so that he would understand that he is an important person not just to me but to the wider world as well. It's heart-breaking though and I cannot understand parents who do this.

BikingViking Mon 25-Feb-13 20:10:29

My ex moved abroad last year and has only seen them 3 times since then. The eldest (dd - 6) had a period of crying for him. I brought it up with the therapist I was seeing once a month, as I felt the same as you, and he gave me the analogy that this is dd's first heartbreak. I think seeing it like that, helped me in helping her. So now when she feels sad and cries, it's horrible because I want to take her pain away, but it's important that she grieves and can mourn through it. So I just hold her and let her cry while at the same time reiterating how much she is loved etc.

I know what you mean about it not seeming adequate, but I think you're doing the right thing and just let him work through it and keep on telling him how much you love and are there for him. It will go in on one level or another.

iwantanafternoonnap Mon 25-Feb-13 20:03:19

Oh god that must be so hard for your children and at their ages. Huge hugs to you aven.

fleecyslippers I couldn't email as I wouldn't be able to write anything without telling him what an utter (put lots of swear words here) therefore it would be me attacking him!

aven Mon 25-Feb-13 19:54:43

Oh I feel your pain. I am in similar situation. My ex decided to flee to the other side of the world Christmas week and hasnt had contact with our dc 6 &14 since. Its devastating for them and you also. All I can say is it takes time and I have doubts my dc will ever get over it but like you I try to compensate with as much love as possible and I dont make excuses for his behaviour anymore I tell them he is very wrongin what he has done but dont bad mouth him. How these pathetic excuse for men can do this is beyond comprehension to me. Big hugs to you though it is so so hard. Xxx

Fleecyslippers Mon 25-Feb-13 18:07:34

sad I'm sorry. It's so hard when they are upset. He's so little so it can't possibly make any sense to him.
I'd email your Ex if you though he wouldn't start attacking you.

iwantanafternoonnap Mon 25-Feb-13 17:01:06

My 3 year old DS was sat in the back of the car crying for his daddy today. My Ex has decided for the 2nd time he wants no contact and has not seen or had any contact with DS since Oct.

How do handle this? I just kept saying that I know that must upset and hurt him but that I love him. Just doesn't seem adequate though.

I have refrained form emailing the useless excuse of a man and telling him what he is doing to his child!

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