Does anyone else have trouble getting things back from the ex's after access weekends? NOT big stuff but small stuff?

(34 Posts)

Prompted by a post I put on another thread.

I can't get small things back. In my case, lunchbags, kit bags (just the bags not the stuff) and plastic containers. I know it's minor, and they're cheap to replace as my ex has shouted at told me, but it's not minor when DD is in tears because she has to take her packed lunch in a tescos bag.

RosieAandO Wed 20-Mar-13 22:55:45

Ah this is familiar. My ex-h picks up my children from school so they are in their uniforms, and I give them a bag with clothes for Saturday - all their normal clothes - and somehow vests, pants, socks go missing, along with lunchbags, homework... and last week, my daughter's antibiotics didn't come home so her tonsilitis recurred (he left them at school Friday and I couldn't get her to the urgent care centre until Sunday).

I don't think it's deliberate,it's just sheer lazy incompetence. That's me being nice. Mostly I just want to call him a useless bastard and hope that him and t'other woman both die of horrible intestinal disorders! :-/

Skyebluesapphire Mon 04-Mar-13 13:59:28

When XH moved into his own home, I gave him a supply of pants, vests and socks for DD (was given a load by neighbour), a hairbrush, some conditioner and some sunscreen and some old clothes. A neighbour passed on wellies and trainers, so they went to his house too for spares. She also has a load of toys that she keeps at his house too.

Now she takes a suitcase with her every weekend with clothes that she wants to take, he washes the dirty ones and sends them back next time.

It is bloody annoying though when he forgets to send back her school coat or swimsuit, so I told him to buy his own and keep them there. He also bought her a toothbrush and pyjamas that stay at his house.

NicknameTaken Wed 27-Feb-13 09:30:23

There's a difference between exes who are careless and those who do it on purpose. Mine deliberately fails to return DD's reading book and journal to school, because he knows it really gets to me. I can't appeal to his concern for her education, because he'd rather get to me than care for her. I'm trying a strategy now of pretending not to care, while apologizing privately to the school, because I don't know what else to do.

Tubegirl Tue 26-Feb-13 23:32:57

Ratatouie, I love it! I don't think the exH does it on purpose he is just useless. No less frustrating though!

ratatouie Tue 26-Feb-13 19:43:33

Hmmm, well my twunt ex kept doing this. It was always something small but things like sleepsuits and socks etc that make you feel petty demanding them back but then he used to just ignore any requests to return. After he refused to return a rather lovely john lewis jumper which was part of a set after me begging him for 6 months (whilst dear son had grown out of it it was resellable), I rather fortunately found a VERY expensive jacket of his in my cupboard. After sending another request giving a deadline for the return, I sent a chirpy message saying that it wasn't a problem that he hadn't returned it, and let him know that I had located his expensive rab jacket and taken it to a charity shop. He then spent a whole saturday morning trawling around the smelly animal charity shops in town, sending me furious and increasingly disgusted messages before i let him know that I still had it. Priceless

purpleroses Tue 26-Feb-13 11:20:23

Sorry you're having a hard time - having problems with your ex being crap is always a lot harder at the times when you really need them not to be crap because you're relying on them.

Your tick box list sounds a good plan. If your ex is as rubbish easygoing as mine, he may not care that you're organising things for him effectively. If he might take offence you could always send it as the 'DC's list' - to help them remember what they need (and his job of course to help them do so)

Purple - I've done a list on the computer with a tick box and will fill it in every time.

I know IABU about this very stressed have minor op today and have to stay with my parents but...

When DS came on Saturday his face was filthy. I threw an unopened packet of babywipes at him and told him to clean his face.

Ex is having them tonight as I'm getting a minor op, and he was just on the phone to check stuff with me.

AND IT'S SO HANDY HAVING BABYWIPES IN THE CAR.

BUY YOUR OWN FUCKING BABYWIPES YOU KNOB

And yes I know, babywipes are pennies, but FFS

<rant>

purpleroses Mon 25-Feb-13 10:45:43

Send him a check list to pin on the fridge listing all the things that need to come back with them each time. Sounds like your ex is like mine, not doing it to be nasty, but just incapable of organising anything. A list has helped my ex.

How old is DD? My 9 year old's pretty good at remembering things for herself these days (though DS, who's 13 is still crap - must take after his dad angry). Life has got more complicated as they've got older though - it's not just lunchboxes, but sports kit, musical instruments, homework, favourite clothing, etc that gets stuck at their dad's.

If he does forget I get the DCs to phone him themselve and ask him to drop the things round (though obviously not so good if you don't notice the lunchbox is missing until 5 minutes before she leaves for school....)

NicknameTaken Mon 25-Feb-13 10:41:19

For socks, my only tip is to buy them all the same, so you're not left with lots of odd ones.

I don't have this problem with casual clothes, as exH does buy stuff for DD - he apparently has exactly the same taste as a five-year-old girl, and they mutually delight in fluffy mules and princess tat. But it is a problem with school uniform - there seems to be some kind of black hole in his house that sucks down her school cardigans.

wellthatsdoneit Sun 24-Feb-13 22:54:51

Yes, same here. Even the small stuff matters (like poundland lunch boxes) because my ex pays nothing towards the children or I and we are subsisting on the absolute bare minimum. I only send them in or with stuff that I don't mind to much if I don't get back - I have a drawer of freecycle stuff and hand me downs for this. I also send the stuff that he has bought for them. Same with toys. It's ridiculous it is like this but I don't see any other way at the moment. Luckily the kids are young enough not to care what they're dressed in but I'm hoping when they're old enough to care they'll be old enough to bring their things back with them too.

MrsExcited Sun 24-Feb-13 21:03:42

I am on the other side of this, i am the OW and my DDSD's stay every tuesday, and everyother weekend, more in the holidays as i am a teacher and am therefore free childcare.

I got fed up at always having the grottyist chlohes they owned i started buying them some bew clothes while we were out and letting them take them home( quite selfish really it was so when photos were taken they looked well cared for) this went on for about 4 years i very rarely ever saw these chlothes again until they were too small or generally trashed.

So when we moved house and the girls had a formal bedroom of their own that didn't double up as a spare i started buying them chlothes for at Daddies (this was after talking it through with their mum and with her full agreement) now most of the time this works ok most of the time but on the times where something from here does go back it can take months for them to ever come back.

Oddly enough even though we don't faff about underwear they come in knickers and socks, they go in knickers and socks. I still every wash have odd socks, i can only figure that they arrive in odd socks! So i every couple of weeks hand back a wadge of odds and go and buy a couple of packets to up stocks

Hairbands.and clips grrrrr grrrr grrrrrrr

They always arrive with hair (that hasn't been washed since thelast time i did it! But thats another post) down and always ask me to put it up i style that need bands clips and slides.

Sorry for the long post but felt there was another side to the story

Appologies for typos - iphone

BertieBotts Sun 24-Feb-13 14:34:41

I think this is really common and it's definitely a control thing!

drasticpark Sun 24-Feb-13 14:18:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elastamum Sat 23-Feb-13 13:13:57

My ex used to do this all the time. But now my DS are older I have a key to his house so we go round and collect all the stuff that is missing when he isnt there. We also share the same cleaner and she has got really good at bringing things she finds back grin

Shaiandbump Sat 23-Feb-13 13:07:42

I can't believe I'm not the only one. My ex never ever has any of DS socks or vests but they magically reappear 6 months later when they're too small for him. Also hats and gloves I get told to just buy him more, hold on u stingey arse why don't you buy your own damn set and stop stealing mine as im sure I got plenty of spare cash because you don't pay a bloody penny towards DS. Grrrrr. Men

5madthings Fri 22-Feb-13 20:55:57

I not in this position but have a very dear friend who is. Her ex is a twat if the highest order, drcided when she was preg with their second that he didnt like the responsibility of family life.... Has never paid maintenance as in his wirds 'she gets benefits to pay for the kids stuff' anyway he was forever doing this and not just small stuff.

In the end she gave him a buncj of charity shop/primark stuff to keep at his and never sent anything other than the clothes they were wearing (which were also cheap stuff) and whatever outfit they came back in was what they wore to next contact iyswim? he is still a twat but he at least sees them.regularly, the kids are 15 and 12 and starting to realise there dad is a waste of space but they know their mum loves them more han enough for both parents.

No magic fixes but its not petty so rant away xx

It's just so PETTY and to complain about it, unless someone has been in the same boat, they think you're complaining over nothing, you know?

And yes to hairbands and socks.

Tubegirl Fri 22-Feb-13 20:39:25

Can I just add I can spell but apparently have fat fingers and can't actually type on an iPhone! Stuff not stiff!!!

Tubegirl Fri 22-Feb-13 20:37:20

It does sound like we were all martied to same man. The socks thing is alao universal! I have just sent her with clothes that he purchased (nasty stiff off romford market) and he complained again the clothes were rubbish and was I doing it on purpose, to which I replied well you bought them! I just don't semd anything I don't want to lose. Even to the extreme of sending her with her hair down as I'm so fed up of losing hairbands. Petty? Probably. Necessary? Definitely. There's no talking to him. Did tackle the washing issue but he got very defensive (read arsey) and told me he was doing me a favour. I don't see how, they come back smelling damp, of cigarette smoke and grey and crumpled. I send things freshly laundered, ironed and folded. I doubt it's him doing the washing (not his MO) so it's his tangerine dream gf who can't read washing labels.

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 22-Feb-13 20:36:45

Possibly Freddie, was your ex a twat of the highest order? Mine was/is

Were we all married to the same man grin

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 22-Feb-13 20:16:39

My ex kept their toothbrushes in the summer. He took the boys away for a week, then dropped then off to me about halfway between the holiday and home at our holiday destination. (all in the uk). I specifically asked him if he had given me their wash bags, he insisted they were in the suitcase. They weren't, and when I text him about it he replied 'yes I know, they're in my boot!'

Obviously I had to buy new ones, from the overpriced campsite shop which thankfully I didn't have to pay for as my brother owns it as it was the only shop I could get to! I was tempted to bill him for the free toothbrushes.

He also had a habit of keeping 1 sock, or half a game, so that we can't play it at home.

TuesdayNightDateNight Fri 22-Feb-13 19:58:01

Yep here too. I've always said I would rather have all h clothes back dirty or clean as I am happy to wash them (when he does it they languish at the bottom of his laundry basket for weeks and come back so crumpled that I have to wash them again anyway!).

Socks are an issue. He swears he doesn't have any but I have endless odd socks and every now and then he sends back a bunch of single socks that he has "found". DD is 6 and last time they included age 18-24 month baby socks confused

To be fair he gives me plenty of money to be able to buy extra socks but that doesn't help when there just isn't a pair when you need them!

He maintains it's not on purpose, he maintains it's just by accident, he doesn't realise. How can he be that thick?

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Feb-13 19:17:51

Same here. Yet I know that it's pretty much done out of spite against me and included coats, boots, schoolbags, special toys (Because he knew the kids wouldn't settle without them) I now send nothing. I battled with it for a long time with the whole issue but I can't afford to replace full sets of clothes, shoes and toys because he and OW are malicious shits.

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