Would I be ok to tell exH that if he wants to see DDs then he can't have them at his pub...

(21 Posts)

and that I won't be there.

ExH doesn't see the DDs very often, his choice, and when he does it isn't for very long.

Up until earlier this month he ran a pub in an area that is quite known for trouble but most of the customers were friendly and he had the use of the accommodation upstairs in case anything happened. He has now moved around the corner to a pub that was on the roughest pubs in the UK television programme and only has access to the pub area.

On Sunday he asked if were busy and could I take DDs around. There were no customers except his DDad and and someone else (who has threaten ExH before) who arrived not long before we left.

Whilst we were there he stood in by the bar most of the time and the DDs were stood playing with the white ball from the pool table in another area of the pub. He told me that he didn't have his dog with him as the pub is too volitile and he seemed to be a bit annoyed when I didn't want to get into a conversation with him and just sat mumsnetting on my phone. He really let me down last monday by not having the DDs while I was supposed to be doing a course.

So my question is Can I tell him that he is to either pick the DDs up from my house or meet me at my ExPILs and that they are not to go into a pub where he won't even take a dog?

Thank you for reading, I didn't want to give half a story.

ILoveTIFFANY Tue 29-Jan-13 11:05:54

But you were happy enough to be in there whilst you sat on your phone?

You were in the pub, so it can't be that inherently unsafe or you'd have turned around at the door. I would be more concerned about him having the kids at work - where's the fun for them in just rolling a pool ball round a table?

If he'd had the kids whilst you were on the course, what would he have done with them? Filled them with crisps from behind the bar and sat them watching telly and rolling pool balls? Tell him he either needs to see them when he's away from work or not at all, it's not fair on the kids to be dumped in a pub for hours on end, whether it's inherently safe or unsafe.

How would he react if, rather going straight to saying he can't have the girls at that pub, you said to him that you were concerned that it wasn't a safe environment for them, and that you wondered if it would be better for him to see them somewhere else? Apologies if there is a back-story I don't know about, and there is no chance he would respond positively to this sort of approach.

cafebistro Tue 29-Jan-13 11:42:10

Why would he want to see his children at a pub anyway? Was he working?

where is the dog when he's working? Why can't he meet the children where Fido is housed?

NatashaBee Tue 29-Jan-13 11:57:47

I don't think it's appropriate for him to see them whilst he's working - regardless of where his job is - he's going to be distracted/ busy and they'll be bored. Having said that, it must be difficult for him if he's working weekends and late nights.

IloveTIFFANY I didn't want to be there but he asked to see the girls so I took them. We were there about 20 minutes. I don't really want to spend time with him and would prefer he saw them on his own.

FireOverBabylon when the pub is empty it is just a dingy looking pub but it is right next to the dockyard and there are a lot of drunks that use the place. While I am there it isn't as bad as we can leave but if he has them on his own how can he break up a fight and protect them at the same time.

I think what a few of us are saying is that you need to phrase this battle in a certain way. you can't just say "don't take them to the pub" because you actually took them there and stayed, so he could through that back at you. Phrase it as "I don't want you to see the kids whilst you're at work because it's not fair on them because they don't get qualty time with you and they may be frightened having to see you throwing drunks out". It's about him spending quality time with his kids away from work, as presumably you do, not about him working in a grotty pub per se.

Cafebistro he is in the pub most of the day everyday whether he is working or not. He wasn't quite so bad when we were still together. If they didn't see him in a pub they would never see him.

through ? try "throw"....

But if he really wanted to see them, he would leave the pub to do so if he wasn't working. Tell him he sees them outside the pub or not at all.

I have lost track of who has asked what as I am on my phone.

I asked him when he was having the girls last week before he started running this pub. He said Monday but as that is the day I do my course I said I couldn't take them to him. He said about picking them up after but DD2 started school this year and I thought getting to bed at 10 would be too late. He then suggested having them at my house.

He then took over the pub he is in now but when I asked if he could still have the girls he said yes. I offered to ask my mum instead but he assured me I didn't have to. At the time I was supposed to be leaving I phoned and he was still in the pub which is the other side of the city.

On Sunday the dog was at a woman's house he was in a relationship with last year. The DDs have met her so I don't know why he can't take them there. Before Christmas he told me he was sleeping with 5 women so I'm not really sure what is going on.

He could have them at his parents but he only asks to see them when he is working. I have tried getting him to have them on set days but it only lasts a couple of weeks at most.

The reason I am asking is because I see on here all the time that the RP has not right to dictate how the NRP spends there time with the DC and I end up feeling guilty!

Sorry that was a huge post but I am getting fed up of it.

cafebistro Tue 29-Jan-13 12:28:05

I wouldn't take them to the pub to see him end of. If he knows you won't do this anymore then he may just step up and start having quality contact with them when he's not working ie. take them to the park etc. If not then it's his loss and the children certainly won't be missing out will they?

Thank you FireOverBabylon I have never really liked them being in the pub that much but thought it was better than not seeing him at all. The problem is this pub doesn't have anywhere private they can go if it gets busy or they are bored.

The stress of the last 2 years has made me ill, I was getting infection after infection and joint pain because of the things he did. I don't want to stop them seeing him but I also don't want to have to spend any time with him at all.

Ok so plan is I will leave it for him to contact the girls and then explain that they need to spend proper time with him away from work even if it is only an hour a week, he is always to busy.

Thanks everyone.

He wouldn't let me in the pub he was running last year so it wasn't as much of a problem. I would drop them off on a Monday after school/evening and then pick them up Tuesday morning. But he only managed this about 6 times in 6 months as he would fall out with me and then refuse to have them.

He told me once that he wouldn't have them weekends as he is too busy and won't have them over night unless it is a Monday as he doesn't want me going out "shagging".

I really don't know what to do. People on RL have said in the past that I should cut contact as he is useless then I come on here and everyone is saying a useless dad is better than no dad at all.

sanityseeker75 Tue 29-Jan-13 15:51:44

To a child a useless dad is better than no dad at all - until they are old enough to see them for all their faults

To everyone else a useless ex is the bane of your life that is sent to try you.

I would avoid cutting contact as this could be then seen as you putting obstacles in the way of his relationship with kids, however, I would explain that contact will not be worth while if he is working. If he is not working then you do not really have any say over where he takes children as such (he could argue that if he was in the pub with them when he is not working if there was any trouble he could remove them from the environment)

You do not have to take children to him, you can meet on neutral territory or ask him to collect them

sanityseeker75 I have tried everything I can think of to get him to see them on a regular basis but nothing works. I wouldn't stop him from seeing the girls but I leave it up to him to make arrangements. If he doesn't make contact with me to see them then he doesn't.

He ran a different pub last year and he used to have them there over night but where he is now doesn't have sleeping accomadation for him and he says he is sofa surfing at the moment so can't have them. I used to stay with them before but there is no point us being there as it was still me who did all the actual looking after and I felt really awkward with not much to say to him.

Thanks for the advice I think I have got an idea of what I will say next time I hear from him.

sanityseeker75 Wed 30-Jan-13 10:02:23

Good Luck! I didn't think you would stop contact and I am not judging you. Ex's are hard work and your sounds like a lazy arsed pleb.

I absolutely agree that you should not be there for access or it will fall for you to be the career and that's not fair on you. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you wine

Thank you sanityseeker. I try and get on with my life until he rears his head again. The girls love him and I wouldn't influence, though he seems to think I do.

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