ex disagrees with relocation to a different part of the county.

(33 Posts)
mumfor4 Tue 08-Jan-13 19:44:13

my ex disagrees with me relocating a short distance with our dd's, aged 5 and 6 (10 minute ferry crossing). we are going to court over it. Has anyone else experienced this?

Many thanks

Labro Sat 12-Jan-13 02:00:43

The only thing that came to my mind (because it was what my ex harped on about) does your moving mean a change in pick up arrangements for him? ie has he previously been picking them up from school or your home and the new arrangment would need to be the ferry terminal? Changes like that have a habit of taking on a life of their own in the exes heads and they suddenly start screaming about their parental responsibility rights to choosing new schools etc. Don't be at all surprised if your exes statement has things in it about disruption to his involvement in their school life (even when hes possibly shown little interest previously) and the 'disruption' of meeting them from the ferry and that he feels the ferry isn't reliable etc (my ex wrote 3 paragraphs in one of his statements abour how HIS son couldn't be allowed by him to live in a flat - to which the judge suggested with a twinkle in his eye that perhaps if it was that appalling a prospect he should give me our former home)
Hope all gets better for you x

mumfor4 Sat 12-Jan-13 07:57:28

Labro- that made me laugh! I'm prepared for a very long list of reasons for not relocating on the statement. He could pick up from the school if he wished as its a short train journey but would add to cost as he would not be able to get a child escort rate for the ferry. the school is a short walk from the train station so school visits- xmas performances and parents evenings are very easy to attend. One of the reasons I like it. ex does not attend fairs, coffee mornings and assemblies but may now decide they are the most important thing about schooling. x

mumfor4 Sat 12-Jan-13 08:00:19

I have asked my ex to look at the schools in my chosen area- which he ignored. I have the email too. As it turns out there are no options as none of the other schools have vacancies. luckily its a lovely school. x

Labro Sat 12-Jan-13 10:04:42

Sounds all too familiar, refuses to engage in the process then spits the proverbial dummy out because you've dared to make a decision without getting the control freaks decision first.
Having sat in court 4 times nothing really surprises me anymore.

niceguy2 Sat 12-Jan-13 10:58:27

Can I ask why you have chosen to move to this area? Is it closer to family and your support network?

niceguy2 Sat 12-Jan-13 11:11:12

oops, never mind. I just saw further up you already said it.

What is the normal routine you have for contact? You said it wouldn't affect his time but do you mean he gets the same number of hours in total or do you literally mean everything stays the same bar a short ferry ride?

Because the risk here is that you have more losing scenarios than he does. Because of school you need to have Mon-Fri. The courts cannot stop you from moving but they could in theory order midweek contact and that effectively scuppers you. I think it's very unlikely but it's still something to think about.

Do you know the REAL reason he's going to court? Is it the be the noble dad? Financial (ie. costs of ferry)? Or just sheer control freakishness?

I learned a hard lesson when my ex took me to court over our relocation. I couldn't get a straight answer on what she wanted. CAFCASS was a joke. They were dead against me, didn't listen and just kept repeating 'the kids need their mum'. Despite me explaining that I was only the resident parent cos she didn't want to be and that the current routine (which would be unchanged except for a drive) was HER idea....not mine. After that I was shit scared cos all the judge needed to do was order midweek contact and I was screwed. It looked likely and then the ex caved in. Her new demands were less than I originally offered!

Once the dust had settled I realised that what she was actually after was not residence of the children. Even she realised the kids were far better off with me. What she actually needed was a way of showing everyone she had fought the good fight. Someone to blame so people wouldn't gossip about why the kids didn't live with her.

The point I'm trying to make is that people often go to court using arguments which are nothing to do with the fundamental issue. If you can focus on that then you can adapt your strategy to suit.

mumfor4 Sat 12-Jan-13 11:32:01

Hi, my ex currently does have mid week contact-when he doesn't have them at weekends but offering more weekend time counteracts that. At the moment he only has them 4 school nights a month but would have extra quality time at weekends. He also works and uses childcare on some of those afternoons. It is still in the same County, people do move to other parts of the county-sometimes families are rehoused by housing associations (although not in this case). Any way, I started the court ball rolling-following legal advice to do it properly. I did try to discuss with ex first, he asked why I would like to move. I explained better quality of life, schooling, childrens activities etc and was told I will not agree to the disruption to the children's lives.

Spero Sat 12-Jan-13 12:20:50

I think it unlikely that a court would insist on mid week contact if that scuppers an otherwise sensible move - but it may depend on how long that is going on, how much the children say they want it etc, etc. I have found that often mid week contact is more a massive pain in the bum for everyone and doesn't stand the test of time, unless parents live very, very close to one another. Otherwise children are just dragging lots of possessions around to various houses and it gets messy.

all you can do is state your case, politely and fully. Don't drive yourself mad trying to second guess his motives. If he wasn't interested and involved in the schools before it will not look particularly good for him if he claims an interest now. As long as he gets to see them regularly for long enough, the rest is just window dressing. Their primary need is for a safe secure home and then as much good quality contact with the non resident parent has can be sensibly managed without everyone being run ragged, living out of suitcases or spending all weekend in a car.

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