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list of my probs - plus do I let my ex help with newborn baby?(11 Posts)
Reading all my problems is the last thing any of you probably need, but I feel I can't talk to anyone properly about it, as they either have their own agenda or fell sooo sorry for me that it doesn't really help me.
I have a wonderful DD aged almost 2, and I am due my new baby this week. I split from my husband in the summer, and since then I have really unsettled my poor DD.
We have moved house to stay with different relatives about 5 times, so she is really unsettled. I got a job working full time, so she started a new nursery from 8am-6pm 5 days a week, which is a long time to be away from your parents when you're unhappy and unsettled. Although since nursery has been going well it is the one thing I am determined to keep going. (despite the cost of £1300 a month).
I realised I would need my own place if I was going to have 2 children, so I rented a 1-bed flat near DD's nursery. That also costs £1300 a month plus council tax and all bills. I'm not getting any maternity pay from my job, and I don't qualify for housing benefit - although I'll have to appeal, but that will prob take a few months to come through.
My main problem is lack of support. Although I have been staying with different people, and they have obviously helped me. It has really been in just giving me somewhere to stay. They haven't helped me look after DD when I've been heavily pregnant. I'm most dissappointed in my mum. She doesn't want to do childcare and hasn't been to help me at all. When I tell her of my problems she tries to reassure me it will all work out.
The latest problem is that the flat has bad damp and I can hardly breathe. It is bad for my DD and v bad for my newborn (due this week!) But because DD is so unsettled, I can hardly bear the thought of moving again, plus the time and energy needed to find a new place to live and to organise the move.
In the meantime my husband is back on the scene. I have stopped divorce proceedings for the time being as my lawyer told me it could cost up to £10,000, and I'm not earning at the moment.
He has been really good, and the only person who has actually helped me and helped with DD. My family hate him and think I should have nothing to do with him, but my friends can't believe how helpful he's being.
I basically have the choice of him moving in to my flat (or in theory us finding a nicer place together) for him to help with the 2 children.
He is actually ok looking after DD now. He was terrible until I left him, he was actually destructive and went out of his way to stop me looking after her properly. So I had no doubts about leaving.
He has been staying with us over xmas which has been a help as he has entertained DD, done all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Plus been company for me while all my friends and family are busy with their families, and I can't easily get out of the house as heavily pregnant.
But now he is relaxing into his old ways, he is getting irritated by anything I do. And he point blank refuses to do anything I ask because he doesn't like being told what to do.
I looked after DD single handedly when she was a baby, while he sat downstairs watching tv. As it was sooo much easier to do everything myself than to ask him for anything.
He can't cope with any stress, so whenever the baby cried he would really shout at me for being a bad mother. He has 2 weeks paternity, so he will be staying at the flat for those 2 weeks. I am having a c-section, so I will need his help. But I'm worried about him making things more difficult for me.
He also wants us to live together again, and when things are going well, I think it would be good to have him here to help with 2 kids, as no one else is going to help me.
Of course, if I let him in, it would make leaving again much harder.
Do you have any thoughts or advice?
I think he's trying to get his feet back under the table and is doing what he thinks will achieve that and if you let him back in, he will in the end, go back to how he was.
Don't do it. It's nice he's supporting you but maybe see how dating goes for a bit first. Then if he slips back into his old ways fast you won't have to unsettle the kids again
Well goodygumdrops I'm not really sure now. I spent so long building up all my resentment and hatred against him. But we did love each other a lot to get married. Now I just feel painfully sorry for him. I feel so cruel taking his daughter away I can't bear it.
We generally get on ok if we don't spend too long together! But I do find him a bit boring. And after I left him I was excited about the prospect of meeting a hot new man!
He wants his feet back under the table so he can carry on abusing you. Minimize your contact with him and talk to your health visitor/midwife about help you can get.
He's only doing it to squeeze back in. I highly doubt his motives are good, it could even be to emotionally blackmail you into taking less money from the divorce or something like that. And its not going to help DD adjust bringing him back into the home, especially after everything else. Is there a friend you can ask to stay for a little while to help after the cesarean?
I agree with whats been said. Minimise your contact with him. Maybe speak to homestart in your area as they may be able to help. Also speak to your HV/midwife.
hmmmm this is a tough one. on the one hand you desperately need his help. having two kids is really difficult to manage on your own especially after a c-section. on the other hand, he may very likely just take advantage of the fact that you let him in cont making your life increasingly difficult.
don't know the right answer to this. but one thing is certain you WILL need help. is he able to help you financially by paying for a nurse or more cleaning/cooking help without actually staying with you.
He's abusive.and lazy and a shit parent who was able to put on a show short term to impress you.
Why would you let him back?
You left him for good reason(s) I expect. Have you any demonstration from him that those things are resolved/ changed?
Very tempting to rely on him if he seems to be the only one willing/ able to help. Be careful
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