Daughter coming home for xmas from uni

(55 Posts)
12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:37:26

Can anyone let me know what they think about this because I feel my daughter is being a typical selfish teenager and I'm getting upset with her attitude. Since she left home she's 'loving her new life' which consists of eating junkfood out each day, going to sleep at 4am and blowing all her money. She says she has not been homesick at al. She is in London and has had a max maintenance loan and uni bursary top-up which she has been able to buy a new tablet with, clothes and eating out every day. She refuses to use the halls kitchen as 'it's gross'. I'm a single mum, hard working as a gardener (self employed) and going to uni myself part-time to try and make a better life for myself as being a single parent seemed to run me into the ground; I don't think I've coped well at all. Due to all the benefit changes when your child goes to uni we had to get rehoused by the council under homelessness prevention which I was so grateful for. Now I'm trying to rebuild my life in a new town where I don't know anyone. I set up Skype to talk to my daughter and she's always yawning, and normally stuffing her face with some junk.
Today, I have been working at a customers garden in -2degress for the last 6 hours and the maintenance money her father pays she wanted to know if she could have the £40 as she was worried about getting taxi to train station to return home which actually is just continuing the life style until she returns home with a large bump back to reality. My rent and bills are all paid, but how am I going to get the xmas tree, afford a turkey and get all the xmas food?. I'm sleeping on a matress on the floor and in the lounge we will be sitting on sun loungers as we have no furniture. I had to sell what little I had to pay for the move. When my daughter started going on about which restaurant she was going to to get her dinner from tonight I just said what different worlds we lived in, as I was thinking about making sure Ive got enough money to get to the train station to collect her, fill up the fridge with food and sort out xmas. Some nights when I have to watch her stuffing her face on boxes of chocolates on Skype I've actually skipped a proper meal. When I told her about what I was thinking about she said she was tired and wasn't going to get into all this again - so I said fine and that was the end of tonights enlighteneing conversation. She always says she's ;left home now, is an adult, but I guess I'm ok to come home to for a free roof, food and 3 suitcases of dirty washing to be done when the halls rent stops until she gets the next load of debt to blow. She's already announced how shes going to Ghana in the summer on a trip 'which her bursary can pay for', so I guess I won't have to worry about any holiday we might have planned. She had a job at Homebase which was left open for her, but now she doesn't want to have to work in holidays.....I guess its abit below her now that kind of job....especially when youve got a doormat mum?!

I'm feeling like crap at the moment as it was onkly this morning I was working out how to try and feed 2 mouths for the next month - to be honest I'm dreading her coming back. When she first left I was really upset, but she kept saying never mind its your empty nest syndrome!. I was a good mum to her and gave up so much to support her education so she had the life chances I never had, and this is the thanks I get :/

12snowleopard34 Fri 14-Dec-12 00:25:11

Yeah I really hope so. Ill keep praying....

My daughter doesn't even know what I think or feel about things.

Even though this work came in today, I'm still going to make sure that particularly over the summer that she realises that getting a summer job will be a good thing so that she doesn't loose touch with the real world and exactly what you have to do to earn the price of a drink nowadays.

Im starting at the new clients garden tomorrow so that will cover the turkey and the tree!

MistressIggi Fri 14-Dec-12 00:33:32

Your dd has grown up with money, private school etc, why are you so surprised she is still acting like someone with money? And many many 17 year olds drink alcohol without being arrested.
Glad you have got a new job, and clearly have a lot of strength to keep going, but I do think you are judging your dd unnecessarily and seem too involved in the small details of her life.

CabbageLeaves Fri 14-Dec-12 07:25:44

Snow. You sound like a hell of a woman who has achieved many things in difficult circumstances.

Your DD is a child who has been catapulted into an adult life. Talk to her woman to woman not mum to mum. Tell her what you want for her. Tell her you accept she will make her own choices. Tell her what you have told us. But most of all tell her how proud you are of her and how much you love her. We needs that knowledge

From what you have said...one thing struck me... You will have a good future. Things will improve and it will get better.

12snowleopard34 Fri 14-Dec-12 09:31:15

Mistress Issi > My daughter grew up for the first 10 years in a hard working family who went without at home to support school fees. There certainly was no ski-ing and ponies! and we never fitted the money brigade people... She then spent 6 years growing up in poverty with me.So she obviously hasnt learnt the value of money yet.....but that will come when I stop doing things like providing for her......

The reason why my earnings are low is that like today, if its pouring with rain I cant work gardening, so although I charge £15p/hr for every wet day like today I loose £90....I am doing the new job on Sat now...I cant control the weather!Thats why I.m studying to get office job in landscape design qualification and self funding it as at 44 its abit unfair to take all the money on offer from other tax payers for loans which is more than min wages to fund something which in reality I may never pay back at my age.

Yeah sure youre right I'm not going to worry about the underage drinking (which was the deal made for me to allow her to do what she wanted, go to uni a year early)

I thought it would be better for her to keep her job and save for a year rather than maxing out on a loan, but then hey if she never gets a job then the tax payers can pick up the tab! And hey if she gets arrested never mind as the landlord can pick up the tab for that and so can his staff if he gets his license revoked.

Yes, my daughter will now have to get on with it.
Its time I got a life for myself and others!
Thanks anyway....I obviously have the wrong skill set for todays world smile

12snowleopard34 Fri 14-Dec-12 09:43:51

Cabbage Leaves - thanks your advice has been so helpful and your experience passed on invaluable to me. Anyway, thats it from me now.
I'm going to concentrate on my own life.....Im thinking about getting a puppy in the New Year which will get me out and about meeting new people and it can come to work with me. I may also try and join a local art group as I enjoy sketching.
I know that youre right....things will get better at least for the first time in my life now I have a stable permament home. Thats a major achievement for me.

Good luck in what youre doing etc and MERRY CHRISTMAS smile

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