Daughter coming home for xmas from uni

(55 Posts)
12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:37:26

Can anyone let me know what they think about this because I feel my daughter is being a typical selfish teenager and I'm getting upset with her attitude. Since she left home she's 'loving her new life' which consists of eating junkfood out each day, going to sleep at 4am and blowing all her money. She says she has not been homesick at al. She is in London and has had a max maintenance loan and uni bursary top-up which she has been able to buy a new tablet with, clothes and eating out every day. She refuses to use the halls kitchen as 'it's gross'. I'm a single mum, hard working as a gardener (self employed) and going to uni myself part-time to try and make a better life for myself as being a single parent seemed to run me into the ground; I don't think I've coped well at all. Due to all the benefit changes when your child goes to uni we had to get rehoused by the council under homelessness prevention which I was so grateful for. Now I'm trying to rebuild my life in a new town where I don't know anyone. I set up Skype to talk to my daughter and she's always yawning, and normally stuffing her face with some junk.
Today, I have been working at a customers garden in -2degress for the last 6 hours and the maintenance money her father pays she wanted to know if she could have the £40 as she was worried about getting taxi to train station to return home which actually is just continuing the life style until she returns home with a large bump back to reality. My rent and bills are all paid, but how am I going to get the xmas tree, afford a turkey and get all the xmas food?. I'm sleeping on a matress on the floor and in the lounge we will be sitting on sun loungers as we have no furniture. I had to sell what little I had to pay for the move. When my daughter started going on about which restaurant she was going to to get her dinner from tonight I just said what different worlds we lived in, as I was thinking about making sure Ive got enough money to get to the train station to collect her, fill up the fridge with food and sort out xmas. Some nights when I have to watch her stuffing her face on boxes of chocolates on Skype I've actually skipped a proper meal. When I told her about what I was thinking about she said she was tired and wasn't going to get into all this again - so I said fine and that was the end of tonights enlighteneing conversation. She always says she's ;left home now, is an adult, but I guess I'm ok to come home to for a free roof, food and 3 suitcases of dirty washing to be done when the halls rent stops until she gets the next load of debt to blow. She's already announced how shes going to Ghana in the summer on a trip 'which her bursary can pay for', so I guess I won't have to worry about any holiday we might have planned. She had a job at Homebase which was left open for her, but now she doesn't want to have to work in holidays.....I guess its abit below her now that kind of job....especially when youve got a doormat mum?!

I'm feeling like crap at the moment as it was onkly this morning I was working out how to try and feed 2 mouths for the next month - to be honest I'm dreading her coming back. When she first left I was really upset, but she kept saying never mind its your empty nest syndrome!. I was a good mum to her and gave up so much to support her education so she had the life chances I never had, and this is the thanks I get :/

FannyFifer Wed 12-Dec-12 20:41:40

I would charge her digs for the 3 weeks she is at home.
She sounds pretty awful tbh.

12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:46:28

I know - but I don't know how to deal with it. All I see now when I look at her is her father!

FannyFifer Wed 12-Dec-12 20:53:33

Honestly, make her contribute to Xmas.
Don't let her walk all over you.
Is she even passing at Uni?

colditz Wed 12-Dec-12 20:54:07

The debt she is getting into is her debt, not yours. It doesn't affect you. Tell her she's got to make her own way home, she can't expect you to collect her when you're skint and she's not.

You sound SO jealous of her though sad

amillionyears Wed 12-Dec-12 20:57:50

Does your daughter know all of what you have just posted?

FannyFifer Wed 12-Dec-12 21:00:53

Where will she sleep if you are on a mattress on the floor?

LaCiccolina Wed 12-Dec-12 21:00:59

Oh heavens. How to say this? Um, I think she's doing the life version of rebound.... She's seen how hard life can be. I think she's very grateful but suddenly she has access to some money. She has friends who all expect certain behaviours. She presently can do things she hasn't and well er she's enjoying it.

I think u need to be honest and say life is for u as she left it. That u are thrilled for her but that Xmas needs help. What can she offer to help u? She could b a bit scared of returning, she probably liked this new reality and coming home might be a bit painful.

12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 21:03:56

Thanks - FF: I will wait until shes actually at home until we discuss food arrangements and the tree rather than trying to get everything perfect for her arrival.
Maybe then I can ask what contribution she will be making adult-to-adult?

PickledInAPearTree Wed 12-Dec-12 21:05:56

Don't think too harshly of her. She is giddy with all the excitement I can remember it myself..

Tell her she is an adult now and she knows your finances and you are not in a position to give her any money. She needs to keep some back.

12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 21:07:01

FF: She's got her bed. When I had to sell what I could I made sure she didn't have to loose anything as I saw the whole thing as my financial failure to keep going. I lost work from some of my customers as one got made redundant and a couple of others cut back my hours as things must have been getting abit tight for them too. When I ended up at a foodbank, thats when I went to the council for help.

12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 21:12:17

No my daughter doesn't know I've posted this because I don't want to upset her with my feelings whilst she's enjoying her new life.

I guess I'll just keep calm and carry on!

NatashaBee Wed 12-Dec-12 21:19:30

Are you sending her money or is she spending her student loan? If it's a loan, it will run out pretty soon... and she'll have to pick up some work to get her through the rest of the year. She will come down to earth eventually.

If you're sending her money - how much? Are you giving her the maintenance money her dad pays?

CabbageLeaves Wed 12-Dec-12 21:26:34

snowleopard - I too have a DD enjoying her new life and not looking back.

It's a little hard when you have struggled and continue to struggle and you wonder what lessons they are learning.

BUT be glad for her. Be happy and enjoy time spent with her. It's not her fault your life is hard. Just admit you haven't got a bursary to pay for anything and thus Christmas will be what Christmas is for you. She either shares that with you or doesn't. She probably feels a bit guilty but also really happy. Let her enjoy her moment. Student life is about being free of the burden of real life

Viviennemary Wed 12-Dec-12 21:35:41

If it's any comfort people say that the first term at uni is the worst for students over-spending. . She is happy so that is good that she is enjoying student life and has settled down at Uni. But saying that you don't want her to be selfish. There is no harm in letting her know that money is tight in your household. Because she is old enough to appreciate that.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 12-Dec-12 21:41:25

I wouldn't charge her to come home to be honest it wouldn't seem right.

But she is old enough to know you have little spare cash for Christmas as so not to expect any money and be careful with hers.

If she wants to offer to buy some food or drinks that's different.

perplexedpirate Wed 12-Dec-12 21:53:58

You ought to be happy for her. You ought, actually, to be utterly thrilled that your hard work has paid of in your daughter's enjoyment of university.

You sound very bitter. If I was her I wouldn't be coming home at all. Perhaps she's labouring under the misapprehension that you'd like to see her. hmm

12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 21:57:21

Thanks CabbageLeaves - you're right. I'm just tired trying to be the perfect mum.....maybe if I stop trying to do everything and 'just be' as I am in my own life now things for me will be easier.
I will try to make the most of our time, but I just feel 'my daughter' is drifting away, if that makes sense. I feel as if my life as a mum will never return back to how it was and I really miss all the lovely little things we used to do.

cestlavielife Wed 12-Dec-12 21:58:34

Did any of us appreciate what our parents did for us until much later?
Come on she worked hard to get into uni be happy for her. She will have to pay back loans eventually.

Put your self in her shoes she doesn't want to come home to hear "after all I.ve done for you..."

Don't give. Her extra money to get home, let her sort that out.

Share what you have and if its frugal so be it... It is about you sending time with her and being proud of her right ?

PickledInAPearTree Wed 12-Dec-12 21:59:49

She'll be back...just treat her the sane you always have.

CabbageLeaves Wed 12-Dec-12 22:08:36

snow - I hear where you are coming from. Hurt, feeling rejected and struggling. The posters saying that you sound bitter etc are basing that on what they are reading on a superficial level.

Your child leaving home is a tough time. It does feel like a rejection and yet you know it's a great thing for them. Bury those feelings of rejection. remember you love her and she's happy and that is what you want for her.

She's also probably a tiny bit self obsessed and selfish - that's a teen for you!!!

Snog Wed 12-Dec-12 22:10:15

Just enjoy your time together. You don't need to spend a lot to enjoy Christmas together.
You both need to accept and respect each others life choices as adults, and you really need to lead the way in this so perhaps put the criticisms you feel on hold

iwantanafternoonnap Wed 12-Dec-12 22:10:23

She is young and you must have done a good job for her to get into Uni. It is her debt she is getting into so you shouldn't really begrudge what she does with her money as she will be the one paying it back and then it will hit home. Don't feel compelled to spend money you haven't got on her.

I would be so proud of my DS going to university and one of the reasons I want is the fact he will have fun that is uncomplicated by the usual adult worries about finances etc. I hope he feels able to bring all his washing home and be spoilt by me for a few weeks and I don't mean with money but with caring etc.

I went to uni as an adult and I missed all that fun partying shite. Enjoy her carefree life right now no matter how hard it is. Life is too short. She will soon have responsibilities and a boring life.

12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 22:12:46

Perplexedpirate - thanks for that. I am well aware that my daughter like you, probably wouldn't be coming home at all if she had a choice or a 'vitter' mother like me.
I have failed as a great mum and well as I said before I will just keep calm and try to carry on. My daughter knows I love her and at the moment I am the one in bits trying to actually just be a mum. That is all.

12snowleopard34 Wed 12-Dec-12 22:17:45

Thanks CabbageLeaves - I've always done my best.

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