Mumsnet Talk

Just a brief on the situation.

My daughter was born out of a fling and after a very rocky start, her dad see's her reguarly, never misses a maintenance payment and things are civil/friendly. He got together with his partner when our daughter was 3 months old and Ive never really had any issues with either of them. Im on friendly terms with her, and shes very much involved in my daughters life. Shes now 3 and a half. And they recently got engaged.

So.....

Like i said his fiance is very involved in my daughters life. He takes her once a week for a few hours (generally both of them are there) and then once a month overnight. They live together so they tend to do everything together...he doesnt really have "father/daughter" time alone with his daughter....But everyone seems happy enough with that arrangement so im not gonna rock the boat. My DD adores them both.

However at xmas it was my DD's 1st Nativity Play. She only started pre-school in the August so this was the 1st thing she had ever done. Now the school only offers 2 tickets....one for mum and one for dad and there are 3 seperate dates you can go on. Now while things are civil etc...i do not expect him to go to a show with me. But i thought he would take his ticket and go to a show on his own. He made up some excuse about how he had to work.

However a couple of months ago i was talking to his fiance and she says that they BOTH feel like they are a parent therefore if BOTH of them cant be involved (like she cant get a ticket) then HE wont go. So theyve decided together that he is going to miss every show etc...because the school wont give her a ticket. I told her i thought this was really selfish and was this because SHE was scared of getting left out....or was it because hes not man enough to go to something on his own? Shes very much in control of their relationship...she definatly wears the trousers! It seems to work for them but she basically controls all that they do together. She said he cant "bear" to leave her out of something and that it would be too distressing for my DD to see her dad without her being there....so hes going to miss everything from now on?

I said that while shes only 3 now and impressionable and of course saying to her "you dont want daddy to come without *" do you?" is going to result in her saying "NO i want you both there"...that wont last forever and eventually shes going to turn around and say "dad why dont you ever come to my shows?" and the end result will be she will either be upset at her dad for choosing his partner over her.....or she will resent his partner (ie her stepmum) for not letting her dad go to her shows. She said that it might appear selfish to others but its the only way and that i should offer his ticket to someone else.

I was fuming but decided the best way wasnt to go in there all guns blazing and cause a fight as its taken a very long time to get us all on this civil/friendly ground that we are on. So i waited until i could get him alone (when he dropped off DD one night) and asked him about it and he said he had no idea she had that conversation with me, but he agreed that it was very unfair on our daughter and that it wasnt the right decision. He looked totally ashamed and uncomfortable which leads me to believe this wasnt his choice. I said to him that i wasnt going to offer his ticket to anyone else and i will continue to give him his ticket for every show and he will have to reject each one...because i will not have him turn around in the future when DD asks him why he doesnt go...and to have him turn around and say "your mum doesnt offer me a ticket". he saiid "no i want you to keep offering me tickets...things might be different soon". Now the problem is....he wont ever go against his fiance. Like i said she controls everything and he just goes with the flow. If he was too disagree with her i think all hell would break loose and i genuinally believe in this situation shes said "your not going if i cant be involved" and got upset...and hes gone "Ok i wont go" just for an easy life.

Now ive stayed on friendly terms with both of them...i havent created a fight or an atmosphere and ive told them both what i think of the situation. But i dont think anything will change and the only person getting hurt here is my daughter...and theres not a thing i can do about it except continue to offer him his ticket and be the reasonable one.

Am i being unreasonable? I include his partner in everything i can....is it right that he misses out in these milestones purely because this is the one thing she cant go too?? Im not a stepmum myself so i dont know how it would feel and i can understand she desperatly doesnt want to be left out....but shes involved in everything...is it right that he can only be a dad if shes 100% involved?

Please dont think im slating her as im not...I have a lot of respect for her in the fact that she treats my daughter well....but im starting to see her in a different light over this.

xxxxx

It might change, as he said. Are they planning dc? IMO that's a time when she may re think

He needs to man up though!

I am a step mum. You sound totally reasonable to me. Never stop offering him the tickets. BUT you should tell him he needs to grow a pair and go to the shows even if the GF goes off on one. She's his daugher. He is her parent whether or not he has a girlfriend.

you can lead a horse to water...

You've worked hard to get things civil. Personally, I would've thought it was about time they had a bit more contact with DD - more towards overnight every other weekend, slightly longer hours. But that's a whole other thing, and so long as things work right now, there's no need to rock the boat.

So keep offering the tickets. Your DD will soon tell her Dad that she's doing xyz (if she's not already doing so), so then it will be up to him if he goes by himself or doesn't go at all. He'll soon either grow a pair or not, there's no need for you to speak to either of them about it.

And equally you can make a storm in a teacup...

Just ring the bloody school and ask really nicely if there was any way you could get an extra ticket. All schools say 'only 2 tickets' but they know fine well families come in different shapes and sizes and IME will always be accomodating if they possibly can be.

If you had got together with someone and he had been a stepdad to your DD since she was 3 months old would you think it was reasonable that he never be allowed to come to a school performance of hers?

That is really odd. Sometimes there might be only one ticket available... what then? I would send the school a note explaining the situation and seeing if they could find an extra ticket in situations like this.

Generally my husband and i both go to DSD's concerts and shows at school, tickets are limited but her mother lives far away so can't attend at the couple of days bloody notice they normally give us. But if she wanted to come then of course I would step aside... as much as I take a parental role with her sometimes, I'm not her parent. His comment 'things might be different soon' sounds like he is talking over the issue with her and trying to resolve it. I'd just keep offering the tickets and not make any rifts in what sounds like a good relationship.

Definately ask the nursery/school if they have extra tickets. Ours always gives out 2 per family to start off with, then offers the extras for step parents and grandparents to attend.
So many families are in the same position, its the norm to ask!

Oh i have asked the school for an extra ticket and explained our situation and while they were sympathetic, they said that there a lot of different families etc and its only a small country school and they just dont have the room. Totally understandable and i let him and his fiance know that i had tried but they said no.

I feel that if i had a partner who had been there almost the whole way through her life then yes i would like it if he could come...but i would accept he didnt have a ticket and over my dead body would i say "well if you cant go...im not going!!" xxx

oh and theyve said they never want kids of their own, of course that may change in the future but just now its a big fat no!! I did say to his fiance tho "If you did have kids...and one of you couldnt make the show....would you think it was fair that the other parent didnt go?? Just because his daughter has parent who arent together doesnt mean its any different". didnt seem to make any impact tho! xx

DP and I both have kids, and sometimes attend things together (if pleanty tickets) but quite often only one of us for our own DC. It shouldn't be a problem to attend something without your partner.

It's a shame for him I would say if he misses out. But you're completely right that you and he have first call on them and if there's only two per child then she can't go (or they could alternate I guess). Or your ex could try asking around other parents to see if anyone has a spare ticket, or if there's anyone else he knows going so that he doesn't have to turn up on his own (though really he should be old enough for that not to be an issue!)

But don't feel it will be forever, as kids get older then there's a lot less demand from parents to come to everything. So it's not always going to be two tickets per child.

If I were you I would offer them your ticket if there's something you can't go to, but otherwise tell them you think it's a shame if her dad misses out, or let your DD tell them this herself. But it's his problem really.

Same situation with my kids I'm afraid but tbh it's not my problem - I just make sure I'm there.

Yep ditto above you can only offer and if the school can't give you an extra ticket it's your ex's loss. Hopefully the school will be able to accommodate you all but if they can't offer his ticket to someone else (grandparent etc) at the end of the day it ain't worth worrying about or fighting over - as long as your there savouring the memories thats all that counts x

If they are equally involved in her life, could you suggest they take it in turns to use the ticket? He goes to one, and she can go to one. Failing this, just wait a year or two as I'm sure he'll have a harder time explaining himself to your DD when she starts asking him why he doesn't come to see her.
You are doing the right thing, and have handled it very well. Well done.