Mumsnet Talk

Now before anyone starts to attack me and saying he has just as much right to be with his father etc etc I am only asking the question. Seriously had enough being attacked on this site for mearly expressing a feeling or asking an opinion.

I have not had to deal with this yet but wondered what people do when there child is sick and it is weekend contact with child's father. If our DS was sick he would have to stay in hotel or be driven an hour and a half away to stay with ex nan and grandad. Now I have no doubt my ex is totally capable of looking after our 2 year old when he is sick but he has never done it before as I have always been his main carer as he lived away during the week.

I am just thinking that the last thing I want to do when I am sick is go stay in a hotel or do a long drive. So has anyone else had to deal with this?

I think it depends on how ill the child is - if they have a rash or fever but are fine in themselves, go ahead. But if they are tired out and vomiting etc I don't think that travelling far is a good idea.

But I know I would want to be looking after them myself if they were poorly, even if the NRP is also capable of doing it properly.

That is what I was thinking. Plus DS does not ever ask for his dad if he wakes in the night or is ill. When he was with him and bumped his head he apparently cried for ages for me and wanted to come home. I suppose it is a tricky situation. Luckily he is hardly ever ill.

I have had this once - well, DD2 became ill on her contact weekend with ExH - he kept her there, as he was absolutely capable, and brought her home with the other DC.

I think, if they were OK after a dose of Calpol they could go, but I would always think how would I feel being moved, different bed, etc (home comforts?). I think it depends on the illness, really.

It's a tricky one. and it's where one draws the line I guess.

Obviously if the child is being sick and has a fever, only a selfish idiot is going to drag the child out of bed to go and be ill at the nrp's place.

I've had two situations as an nrp.

Once my dd who was 2.5 was reluctant to leave with me as she'd recently returned from holiday with her mum. I could understand she needed to be settled at mum's place so I stayed the morning, left dd at mums and returned to take her out near mum's the next day.

Another time she wasn't ill but was coming down with a cold. Her mum refused to back me up when I said it was time to leave for daddies. Eventually after mum went off to work, dd asked to go to mine. She quite literally jumped out of her bed and told me what dress she wanted to wear. So we got into in my nice warm car, she slept for the hour drive and was fine for the rest of the w/e if a bit sniffly.

I tend to have a fairly flexible set up with my XP. So we do on occasion swap weekends. So if dd wasn't in a state to travel to mine I'd expect her mum to offer me the next weekend.

If we lived in an ideal world, I'd want to be nursing dd at her mums if she was ill and it was my weekend.

this issue has (fortunately) has never cropped up for me, no major illness on the weekends; only during the week where I've had to take a day or so off work.

I agree with the other replies, I think it would be a judgement call at the time, depending on the nature and severity of the illness.

DD (aged 6) has been to her dads if it is a contact weekend with the usual coughs and colds (with the calpol!) for the past 4 years. Will cross the bridge of how to deal with major incidents if they happen but I would hope we could discuss and agree on what is best for DD in those circs.

To be honest it really depends on the actual circumstance.

As someone has said here the amicable and sensible thing is the level of illness. If vomitting etc then re-arrange the contact.

I've had some parents threaten their ex with calling the Police if they didn't return them inside the hour. I've also had cases where children wanted to stay with the "NRP" when they were ill until they were over it and the RP was fine with it.

If you have an amicable agreement go ahead. A child equally cannot come to the understanding that only "X" parent is capable of looking after me when i'm ill.

The main issue usually comes to a head with those who have used courts to have an order. Illness relating to a child is (and i'm sure the barristers) and any others who work in an advisory capacity like me will tell you, this is the number one reason why children will not attend a Court appointed Contact Session.

My own personal opinion is that it's a bit unfair to take a sick child to another house, whoever's it is. I personally when I'm ill just want to stay at home. Who cares about whose access time it is, if the child is ill, do what's best for the child, not what a piece of paper says.

We've always worked it out pretty amicabley to be honest - I'd be inclined to leave it up to your ex to decide if he wants DS, but offer to keep him at home if you're able to do so, especially if he's ill enough to need to stay in bed or wants to be with his mum.

Mine have effectively two homes, so I'd generally expect/allow my ex to have them if they're ill, but I think it is quite different if your ex is taking DS to hotels. That's like saying should a child go on holiday if they're ill? - probably not. May also depend on the grandparents' views I would guess - would they want a sick child there?

My ex once bought DS back a day early from his contact during a holiday period, claiming DS had been up all night sick and that ex needed to rest to recover. DS showed no signs of illness when returned and has never been up all night sick. Another time ex refused to take DS during his contact time because DS was sick - sleepy, feverish - ex looked after him here while I went out. DS was 3 years old both times.

DS does not have his own bed to sleep in at ex's so I would probably expect him home if he was ill.

I have had this come up 3 times in the last year since we split up. On the first occasion (6) threw up everywhere mid afternoon, due to go to ExP's 6.30. This was quite soon after we split, and things were fairly amicable. He lives next door so moving her wasn't a huge issue if he insisted. I text him to let him know, his reply included comments about bunk beds and vomit.... Dd2 (3) was also ill but not vomitting (thank god) they both stayed here and went to his the next morning, not 100% but ok, he took them out for the day.
The second and third times, again dd1 vomiting during the day they were supposed to go to his but not repeatedly on either occasion, one mid week, one weekend. Both times he insisted she go to his. But then, things are no longer amicable.
I think if the occasion ever happens that one of them is really ill, like in bed, fever, repeated puking etc. I would aim to rearrange the contact. How amenable he is to this remains to be seen, hoping it never happens!

My DC's would still go to their Dad's if they were ill, although I have never come across a situation where they are ill during his access time. I also think about how I would feel if they fell ill whilst with him and he wanted to keep them at his until they were better see as its not fair to move them whilst ill. It works bothways I guess.

He doesn't have a home he lives in Army Barracks (so he says) so it would be in hotels or his Nan and Grandads. Hopefully it won't happen for a while. Thanks for all your comments.

my dd (4 yo) stays at home with me if she's ill, no question about it.

when dd was 5 and was ill (she had been sick in the morning, this was 3pm ish) EXh insisted on her going to his with DS (he'd picked ds up from school - dd had been off sick with me at home. He tantrumed/insisted, dd went (he was local) he gave her MacDonalds and shouted at her to eat it, she vomited and he drove them home and raged at me...

As far as I understand it, if there's a court order, you can't break it because they are ill and you are supposed to wrap them up and send them off, so that the child comes to understand that the resident parent is not the only one capable of giving care if they are ill.

This is the advice I have been given by several solicitors and a barrister, so I sent my dd, now 5.5, repeatedly. I did put my foot down once she'd been hospitalised and immediately after she came out of hospital and I found myself back in court as a result.

The welfare of the child is at the centre of all decisions made by the family court.

I have a court order. If my DD is ill ie too ill to have gone to Nursery then she doesnt go and I offer an alternate day, I also do this for very bad weather or if buses are cancelled. Generally anything out of exs control I offer another day. If he is ill or he cancels he misses out.

She was once sick whilst she was with him, I suggested he bring her home and have analternate day, so she could be nice and comfy at home, he declined and she throw up all over him on the way home on the bus. He has listened to me since.

Single: Isn't she nice and comfy at her 'other' home?

this has happened on 6 different occasions with my son at first i thought like urself and put myself in my sons shoes i wouldnt like the drive etc.

but after about the 3rd time when i know fine well he could handle my son i told him its up to him if he wants to take my son, he did and brought him back after 5 minutes knowing he was sick... the 4th/5th & 6th time i gave him the same option its upto him weither he can handle my son or not the 5th time he brought him back again after 5 minutes after an arguement onthe phone to me and my exact words where if u can handle him keep him for ur contact time, if not bring him back - and he brought him back!

the other times he didnt take my son at all. this apparently doesnt go against him - its ridiculous!

Mine go if they have sniffles/minor infections etc. If they are happy in themselves - similar to PP that if they are able to do nursery, they are able to go to their dads.

One did get ill once and their dad was pretty rubbish. Took him to the OOH GP. Moaned. Moaned again when havign to get the medicine as he thought he would have to pay. I went to get him early to find the medicine on the side, where he'd not even given it to him <sigh>

But other times he has been fairly good at giving calpol etc. They dont feel as comfy at his, as they sleep on a pull out sofa bed - and spend 6/7 days with me, so want me when they are poorly. We are fairly amicable though, so would play it by ear.

Well I would let my dcs go unless they were contagious (would ask first) or really ill - being sick or high temp/sleeping. But my ex has a house close by. I would also not expect him to make them travel to me in this state if he is willing to care for them.

I know this shouldn't have made me think 'thats Karma for ya' but it did. First weekend Ex turns up for contact and although refuses to take him football on the Sunday does agree with the swimming on the Saturday. Anyway DS proceeds to projectile vomit all over his car 4 times and so he brings him home. DS fine by the way and was right as rain by 7pm running about with his fireman helmet and axe!