Mumsnet Talk

hi there

My partner's ex wife is in a new relationship and wants to move herself and the kids in with a new partner from Kent to Essex. My partner has shared custody and makes payments over and above the CSA requirements, based on us having the kids 2-3 nights a week. He is a brilliant and dedicated dad and would have the kids all the time if he could. He has always paid above the agreed maintenance as he does not want them to go without.

She is now wanting to move the kids in with this new man, restricting my partner's contact to every other weekend only (2 nights a month), (and moving the kids out of schools they are both very happy in) and also expects us to increase the payments for the pleasure of upsetting everyone. We both work full-time, and struggle to make ends meet while she can afford three foreign holidays this year, a new car and very expensive clothes. We cannot afford to move - negative equity and losing our jobs.

Please can anyone advise re the moving and the CSA arrangement. Not only are we devastated about the kids, but also paying more money will cause us to lose our home. Any advice gratefully received!

Thank you :-)

I'm not quite sure why you think you have to pay more money.

As you know, you only your partner only has to pay what the CSA has calculated he should pay - nothing more,nothing less.

It's based on the contact they each have, but if she moves, his contact will reduce, so he will have to pay more each month. The excess he pays voluntarily in addition to the CSA calculation every month doesn't cover the amount it would increase by when she moves :-(

I'm with you now! I don't think there's anything you can do about that. It does seem unfair as it wasn't your choice to cut contact.

Perhaps, if she is already comfortably off , you could ask her whether she would forgo the rise in child support as an act of decency.

Alas decency, particularly when it comes to money, doesn't seem to be in her nature :-( During their marriage, she frequently signed cheques in his name and took out a loan in his name, which he was still paying off post divorce! She's more interested in her lifestyle unfortunately :-(
My partner is understandably distraught that he won't see his kids and they are upset also. My step-daughter wants to stay with us and our family (we have a little boy of our own).
Thank you ever so much for your advice. The system is just as cruel to caring dads as it is to women with feckless exes :-(

you could apply to a court for a prohibited steps order (i think thats what i mean) to stop the children being moved but not sure if the court would agree to it.

How old are the children? Is your SD old enough to say she wants to live with you and that to be a deciding factor?

How far away are you talking about?

Do they have shared custody through a court order?

I don't know how much your partner earns but surely the difference would not be £100s certainly not if he already pays over the CSA payments, and of course from having the children 2-3 nights a week to only 2 nights a month must cost you a little less in food etc.

How long before they move? If your DP stops paying the extra now, he could put that aside towards costs once they move. He could also insist on more contact than the 2 nights a month, as he has already been seeing them 2-3 nights a week, it is a big cut back. Is there any way it would be possible to increase the contact?

I would suggest your DP consults a solicitor, even if it is just for half an hour's free advice.

Thanks people.

My SD is 10, almost 11 - is that old enough to make a decision that she wants to live with us and be supported through the courts?

They are moving over 70 miles away, so that puts a stop to the nights we have them during the week. The court order says that custody is shared. Would that mean that she needs to make an application to the court to move the kids?

We have discussed stopping paying the extra now, but that's just likely to antagonise her. She's extremely hard when it comes to money as she has threatened to withhold access to the kids previously when my partner has discussed this, so that she can get the money she's entitled to.

I just feel very depressed by the whole thing, but will suggest that my partner consults a solicitor. His original divorce solicitor was very good apparently (ahe says she really had to fight for the shared custody, which cost my partner 65% of the joint assets). So hopefully she can help.

Thanks again :-)

I would go see a solicitor.

I am the resident parent (ex has ds 2 nights a week when he's playing dad, less when his priorities switch to beer) I would never move DS 70 miles away from his dad!

The kids are settled in schools and have good contact with their dad, this should go in your favour. Does the mum have family in the new area? Or is she moving purely to be with new partner in his town?

Have you thought about posting in legal? You could also get your partner to join Families Need Fathers, they're very good.

If you have Shared Residence, you could apply for a Prohibited Steps order on the grounds that it changes the status Quo, kids schools, friends, wider family etc. She can still go, but the kids stay with you - they will listen to a 10-year old (but won't let her choose). You need to find out what the school is like she wants them to go to, and make it clear you will be very accomodating of contact - eg plenty of holidays, lots of phone contact etc.

Go see a solicitor. She's a manipulative bully who obviously doen't respond to people behaving reasonably. You can't expect her to suddenly have a personality change and I doubt you'll get anywhere without haveing to take this back to court...