Had enough, want to go home. DH reluctant.

(46 Posts)
ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 16:38:49

I am really struggling, been in France coming up to two years now. Bored out of my brain, I am a SAHM while DH works. We have a two year old DD and I am 7 months pregnant with our second.

We live in a tiny village where nothing happens. I am going slowly mad and am feeling very depressed. It is a struggle to get through the day. I can't talk to DH as he can't do such discussions. If i had somewhere to go un the UK i would come back but my parents aren't there and my sister doesn't have a house big enough.

I feel totally trapped and so unhappy. I have never been so low in my life.

ZZZenAgain Sun 10-Mar-13 16:41:54

doesn't sound good. If dh cannot easily leave his job atm, could you move somewhere where there is a bit more happening?

SquidgyMummy Sun 10-Mar-13 16:42:30

I really feel for you, we live in rural France, and it is hard work, but i do spend a fair bit of time abroad. whereabouts are you?
Is your older DC at school or maternelle?

heather1 Sun 10-Mar-13 16:45:50

Any chance you could move closer to a town? We started out in a village and now are very near a large town and Im much happier, we are in Switzerland though not France so maybe a bit different.

Springdiva Sun 10-Mar-13 16:47:11

Only thing I want to say is being a SAHM can be pretty boring in a UK village.

Can you find a childminder or babysitter that allows you to investigate any work prospects (or just lets you go to the gym).

What about doing some distance learning?

Are there pockets of foreigners where you live so that you could look at working using your english language skills.

Anyway, def sounds like you need a few weeks at DSis's for a break.

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 16:47:30

ZZZ the problem is we have bought a house here so we can't just up and leave. The market is so slow for sales. It takes years sometimes to sell. We are stuck here.

Squidgy we are in rural Alsace. We regret coming here so much. We don't go back the the UK very often as we have nowhere easy to stay. My PiL live n a two bed bungalow that is not big enough for us all.

My DD is not anywhere yet, we have been waiting for CAF to get their act together so that she can go to creche but our application has been with them for 3 months now and no progress has been made so she is stuck with me all day.

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 16:51:41

Spring i cant just go to DS as she lives with her BF who I struggle to get along with. Plus there would not be enough room for me and my DD. Plus I am due to have the baby within the next 8 weeks...

I don't have any rime for anything for me. I thought about doing a DL journalism course but it isn't feasible at the moment.

My French isn't too great so I definitely couldn't work here.

Bonsoir Sun 10-Mar-13 17:29:50

It sounds very, very tough. I think you do have to talk to your DH though - you cannot carry on like this. Could you perhaps write him a letter if he finds face-to-face conversations really difficult?

Bonsoir Sun 10-Mar-13 17:31:29

Can you find someone to exchange English-French conversation with? All over France there are adults wanting to learn/improve their English? Is there a school or church in your village where you could put a small ad?

Bonsoir Sun 10-Mar-13 17:32:38

Does your DD go to a halte garderie at all?

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 17:37:31

Bonsoir I have tried honestly but he just refuses to talk. He won't do anything if i write a letter either. He just thinks I am an over reacting dramatic idiot. Which I Probably am but I am also getting depressed and it gets worse each day.

I feel so bloody low that I cannot be bothered trying to do anything. j have tried over the last few months but each time it ends in bitter disappointment for me and I just want to go home even more.

My DD doesn't go anywhere, what is a halte garderie by the way?

WowOoo Sun 10-Mar-13 17:39:42

Bonsoir's idea is excellent.

Doing a language exchange would be a great way of meeting people and not feeling so lonely. You might as well give it a go.

When Dh and I lived abroad I wanted to move back first. He didn't want to for another 2 yrs. I got a job back in UK and he followed about 6 months later. (had a contract to finish).
It wasn't the ideal way to do it, but we're both happier (ish) now !

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 17:44:03

Woo if I could get a job in the UK then I would jump at the chance but am heavily pregnant and been out of my profession for three years now so it wouldn't be an easy task getting a job.

I can't think of a way out of this and that is what is driving me mad. I used to be in control of my life but no more.

gameday Sun 10-Mar-13 17:50:09

How does the 'DH won't talk' thing work? You say to him, "I'm depressed and bored and increasingly desperate. We need to make a plan to change this." And he says... ??

You've lost a lot of confidence, but that's not the same thing as being unemployable!!

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 17:57:02

game we start to talk then he just stops when he knows there is nothing he can do about the situation. i suppose that is fair enough but he is the only person I have to talk to, I dont have anyone else here and my parents are on the other side of the Atlantic. I Skype them each week and they know I am struggling but there is little they can do.

I would say I would find it hard to find a job right now and somewhere to live. I can barely do normal stuff let alone sit through a tough interview.

juneau Sun 10-Mar-13 18:00:44

You poor thing - that sounds very hard indeed. But, realistically, with a new baby due in eight weeks it sounds like you're going to have to hang in there for now.

However, its worth thinking about what you want in, say, six or twelve months' time, and start working towards that goal. I think you're going to have to give your DH an ultimatum and come to an agreement about putting your house on the market/relocating back to the UK. If he really won't listen, then you need to decide if you're prepared to stay in France with him, or whether you and the DC could relocate back to the UK on your own. Is that something you'd consider? Do you have a career you could go back to? Where are your parents?

I'm afraid I find your description of your DH rather worrying. Does he not care how miserable you are? Is communication a problem for him in all areas of your marriage? Or is it mainly a case of him not being able to change his job or relocate, even if he wanted to? If it's the latter, I suggest you make a serious effort to learn French to a conversational level. I'm sure there's a local school teacher, perhaps retired, who could give you French tuition. Alternatively, would an intensive course at the Institut Francais in London be an option in the future? I did a month-long course there a few years ago and it did wonders for my French. It was three or four hours a day and the entire course was conducted in French - it was amazing.

juneau Sun 10-Mar-13 18:01:56

Sorry, x-posted with regard to career and where your parents are.

juneau Sun 10-Mar-13 18:05:59
gameday Sun 10-Mar-13 18:07:05

Yes, right now this very moment is not the time for a job interview, of course. But of course you can both do something about the situation. You can make a decision to move - even if that's going to take some time. After the new baby is settled in, you can start doing that class, to prepare for when you've moved. Are you planning to work as a journalist? Do you know shorthand? It's a great skill to pick up and easy to learn at home. Do you already touch type? Have you read up on the legal aspects of journalism... you get the idea!

You and DH can sit down and work out the options and a timetable.

Where are your parents?

Bonsoir Sun 10-Mar-13 18:08:35

Halte garderie is a drop-in crèche - lots and lots of town councils (^mairies^) have them. They are designed to give respite to SAHMs! Have you been to your mairie to ask what it provides for pre-school children? Your DD will need to go to school quite soon too - when is her birthday? How about your obstetrician/midwife/paediatrician - could you ask them for leads?

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 18:47:46

june i think you are right that we need a plan. We were thinking of staying two more years so we could get some decent cash in the bank from the annual bonus DH gets but I am not sure I can cope with that. I have been really worrying because in 8 weeks we will have number two baby which I am so happy for but it means I will be even more cut off and struggling.

I am totally done in now which doesn't help oh and of course completely hormonal.

Yes I think he gets frustrated because he is not happy here either but it would be hard work to up sticks and get a job back in the UK right now. It isn't that long since he went through rigorous interview process for his role here and I think he just fears it being the same in reverse.

I can't do anything right now as I have DD at home all day. I would love an hour to myself each week but that will not happen for another 18 months when my DD goes to school. So until then I cannot do much.

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 18:50:03

Bonsoir I don't think we have anything like that here. I have checked our village website and it mentions all kinds of kids things but nothing like that.

Our doctor is lovely but a but ineffective, I don't have a midwife here just a gyne who is half an hour away. DD has her birthday in May and will be 2 then. So i think 18 months before school.....

Timetoask Sun 10-Mar-13 18:58:11

It sounds extremely lonely for you, I feel for you! Especially with two tiny children.
Do you drive? Could you foto towns/villages nearby where there is more happening? My sis in law lives in rural France and I know she met friends through a local mum group.
Have you looked in angloinfo for meet ups?

Timetoask Sun 10-Mar-13 18:58:47

Oops that should have been "go to" instead of foto

ng1412 Sun 10-Mar-13 19:04:56

Hi Time yes I do drive, I think that may be something I have to do. The nearest town is about 40mins away though so a bit of a treck! And it is not a very child friendly place, I used to go when DD was a baby and struggled then so dread to think what it will be like with two!

Anloinfo doesn't cover our area unfortunately.

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