Have you ever refused visitors ?

(83 Posts)
Mosman Sun 13-Jan-13 03:24:34

DH's bloody mother again !
Was meant to stay 20 weeks to help us settle in and help keep our child care costs down whilst we bought furniture shipped stuff across etc. After 10 weeks she'd had enough of the heat, arguing with the children and with a weeks notice to find alternative childcare buggered off home.
So now her rose tinted spec's are on and she wants to come back over for four weeks in the winter to avoid the heat but seems to have forgotten that we still don't live in a 5 bedroomed detached with a separate granny suite for her. Her pension still won't buy her very much food and there isn't a marks and spencers.
I'm not putting this in AIBU becauise I appreciate her only son is living on the other side of the world but I will dread this for months in the lead up and I don't want her here unless she books into some sort of hotel.
Has anybody said no and did it end badly ?

Mosman Sun 13-Jan-13 22:54:06

I would t describe it as a sudden dislike more of a having her thrust upon me due to suddenly having to think what are we doing with MIL normally we'd not see her from one Christmas to the next so I could dislike her without it impacting on anyone. You're right though she does either need to tow the line or do one it's no skin off my nose if she doesn't want to accommodate is it, I'm not the one with no family.

smupcakes Tue 15-Jan-13 11:07:15

Mosman, I can't believe you spend that much on groceries! DP and I spend $150 tops for an entire week, including all our lunches for work. I used to be a nanny and often shopped for the family, including 3 children - and I would spend $300 max. You may need to review your brands etc if you're struggling and need to save money!

Mosman Tue 15-Jan-13 11:24:44

I know and it's things like buying pegs and coat hangers and washing up bowls every week because we have to have them but can't afford to buy it all in one go.
I will get it to about $500 and I think that's about right.

swisscottage Tue 22-Jan-13 10:07:30

I think your MIL doesn't actually sound a very family orientated person - she hasn't contacted you since October? That's appalling. I would tell her to come for a "holiday" on the way back from NZ, you don't expect her to do childcare as you have already had it sorted (presumably) but it means she only says 10 days or so. Then just put up with her. If money is tight, say so and say she is welcome to a week "on you" but no more. I think she is trying to escape the weather in the UK.....! She obviously doesn't have a problem with money if she can afford a NZ trip.

Luxy Wed 23-Jan-13 12:10:14

You are getting a lot of vitriol over your treatment of MIL, but I can empathise, I used to like my MIL, but that was when we saw her for a couple of hours very other weekend and special occasions. However since we moved abroad and her visits have lasted six to eight weeks she drives me up the wall! Having any visitor in your home for longer than a week is horrible. Especially if they sit around and wait to be entertained and fed. If you come up with a plausible excuse let me know, I'm already dreading the next visit, but know that it will cause too much upset and outrage to say no.

You spend double what other MNs spend then that should feed 4 kids and 4 adults (assuming the average 2 adults 2 kids per family). As you have a nanny I'm assuming your kids aren't teenagers.

Spag bol in 40 deg weather? It gets to that in summer in Italy and they keep eating pasta. I think eating steak in hot weather is more mental.

The phone goes both ways, have you all called her?

Frankly I think it is your (and DHs) job to facilitate a relationship between your kids and their loving family, even if they are difficult. Sounds like DH loves his mother and ought to be able to spend time with her. DHs are often useless about birthday cards etc.

If you can't afford to spend time with family because you are eating steak then perhaps you shouldn't eat steak. There is no reason kids have to eat steak, there are far healthier things anyway and many of them are cheaper.

As for refusing visitors, yes we did refuse my MIL one time because she wanted to come in march which was a nightmare time at work for DH. We also offered to pay the increased plane fare for her to come at another time. My ILs really don't like me and we still manage to make it work for the sake of my kids and DH.

anonymosity Fri 25-Jan-13 05:11:02

I did say no to my Dh's brother. There are 4 of us in a very small 2 bed place and the brother has never been close. He has mental issues which make me feel unsafe around him and I don't want him near my kids. It was easy to say no as I was strongly compelled to do so and its not like we have the room.
I would say if your MIL helped you for 10 wks before, regardless of the fact she left early, she did it and you're beholden to her desire to return. You just have to work out the ground rules and issues around food costs together, so no one gets any horrible surprises and you can get along better.

Mosman Fri 25-Jan-13 05:47:47

I think a simple no covers it really, DH's Birthday came and went without contact, yes he could phone her but doesn't, it's not my "job"

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