17 year old with first bf when sex becomes an issue

(5 Posts)
LearnerInLife Tue 27-Dec-11 15:46:46

My 17 year old ds is in a first relationship with a lovely boy. Ds has been very open with my dh and me so far. We set groundrules about dates and we have let them hang out in a room of our house (but not his bedroom) where I know they make out and so forth (we were worried about the safety issues of PDA in public) but there's a knock and walk in policy which we do use so we are pretty sure no more then making out and perhaps a bit of grinding and touching. The bf is in the closet with his parents so they don't go there. We have chatted about issues with our ds throughout his teen years about love, sex, emotions and safe sex etc. We know his bf who is 1 year older has been very respectful and non-pushy because my ds actually said that one day unprompted. He also said that they'd agreed to take it slow when they first started dating. They have both said "I love you" and are very sweet around each other. They've been dating now for 6 months. Recently, my dd (younger) gigglingly told me that she'd walked in and her brother was straddling his bf and kissing him and the bf had his hands on his bum. I told my dd off for not knocking but I know things are getting quite heated. Ds seems to be spending even longer in the shower too! wink My dh asked him recently about how things were going (well) and then about if sex had come up. Ds was a bit embarrassed but said that they were "talking about it but we're just still making out at the moment." He then mumbled that he thought he might be ready soon but then changed the subject. This got dh and me talking. What do we do? If my ds feels ready for sex then I feel that is a private decision that I'm happy with. He is a mature, lovely boy who has been very responsible. Similarly, the bf is great. However, do we allow sex in our house? I am really worried that if we don't have this chat and 'give permission' that they might risk doing stuff in places they'll put themselves at risk. Or should we just let them go in his bedroom now and leave them to it or what? Also concerned that we don't make a rod for our own backs when it is our dd's turn to start dating. Anyone else faced this dilemma? What did you do?

Winkly Tue 27-Dec-11 17:51:37

I have no real advice but praise - you sound like such lovely, open parents. It's fantastic you have such a good relationship and are treating him with such respect. However I do think hormones will triumph one day... Maybe you could "be out for the evening with Dd" once in a while? They will 'do it' eventually.

Good luck and well done.

LearnerInLife Wed 28-Dec-11 11:46:39

Thanks. That's very sweet of you. We need all the luck we can get with teenagers, don't we? Yeah, I think being conveniently out when my dd has sleepovers may be the way we have to go. It's the easiest solution with least embarrassment for all concerned! grin

hazelnutcoffee Thu 04-Apr-13 20:08:48

Aww, he's so lucky to have you!

My advice is to firstly let him know you are totally ok with him having sex with his bf, and then tell him that because you care about his safety and happiness you'd like to ask him what he already knows. He'll probably have done a lot of research online and possibly at gay youth groups about the specific safety elements about having sex as a gay man. You could even offer to take him to a sexual health clinic to get condoms, lube, leaflets and even if he wanted to an STI screening (Not implying he needs one! I have just always found them reassuring for myself).

I hope that's of some use?

Yes, my DS's first proper boyfriend lived about an hour away, so they'd stay here or at his in alternate weekends. The plan was that BF had DS's bed, and DS shared with brother. After about six months DS would "fall asleep" and not go into bro's room. We were fine with it - both lovely boys, great relationship. As you said, it's more difficult for young LGBT people to be openly affectionate outside their homes, and I would rather they were safe and not going to be subjected to homophobic abuse from morons.

They're no longer together, and I wouldn't let a new BF or ONS stay over, but I'll apply the same rules to younger DS when he wants a long-term GF to stay.

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