Mumsnet Talk

If you have a friend who's willing to be the contact handover, then you won't need to see him at all. Just get them to open the door, let child in/out, done.

A friend with a very acrimonious relationship with the ex does this, so the kid sees no drama. Works fine. Contact centres, and you may have to pay for the service.

If he's that much of knob, why not say "Oh it's great you're having DCs today. I've got a date..."

He'll likely start coming up with excuses for not keeping up the contact very quickly, if he thinks you're benefitting from it.

It sounds as if for some reason you are present throughout all or part of the contact meetings. Is that correct? If so, why?

It really would be playing straight into his hands to try to ignore the court order. He would probably love to take you back to court and you would clearly be in the wrong. It would be much better to apply to vary the arrangements.

No, extremely unlikely you would go to prison. There are many women who ignore contact orders.

Suggestions:

a) dc and bags ready at door to go, open, out, shut door - on return do the same. Use body/door to bar him access to your home. He stands on the step where he belongs. Neutral face all the time but thinking 'Gosh you're looking old. Blah, blah, same old crap from him. Time I found someone who knows how to be a man for some hot sex..."

If a speedy handover not possible, sometimes tricky to do if he's doing the handover do you have a nice neighbour who would be willing to pop over at the time he comes back? Or tell him 'Oh for goodness sake, hurry up with the cheap shots, I've got a programme to watch"
b) all communication about dc arrangements by email, nice paper trail if abusive online
c) talk to solicitor who offers free initial consultation and women's aid about his ongoing verbal abuse and options - contact centre might be one suggestion.
d) public place for handover

prison is the last resort after frequent, repeated breaches of an order for no good reason. If you have a reason to want the order dismissed or varied, it is far better to apply to court - if you just ignore it, you are setting yourself up for criticism.

If he is verbally abusing you at every hand over, you have a good argument for moving contact to a contact centre where you don't have to meet him.

If you do decide to stop contact without going to court, i think it would be a good idea to write to him explaining exactly why and saying you would be prepared to start again if he can control himself.

Could you use a contact centre for dropping off and collecting? That way you wouldn't have to have any contact with him yourself. I did this when I got divorced and he kept up contact for a couple of months then gave up and we never heard from him again, as it finally sank in that he wasn't going to be able to use contact to harass me.

can you record the abuse somehow and take it to the police to demonstate what is going on. XContact is one thing, but surely it cant be OK for it to lead to abuse of you.
Though saying that I know my ex had no qualms in doing the same.

I think you should only agree to meet him in a very public place, maybe a open cafe, and have your video set to record on your phone (if you have a smart phone or camera) and tell him. I am recording you, if he wants to make you feel threated let him know that he will pay for it later.. at least if you do end up breaking your conact orders you can explain you were being verbally abused and have proof

How old is your dc?

I understand. Its so abusive but what's he alternative to allowing contact. Court for you will not sort it. Its really hard but you need to stand up to him. Not in a confrontational way but to playing his games. Do you have anyone that will support you?

I am really at the end of my tether and have now developed health issues due to stress. I thank you all for your support and advice.

When my mum couldn't stand the sight of my father because he had done yet more despicable things to her she used to just wait outside for me (beeping the horn to let me know she'd arrived).

She never, ever stopped contact. It would have been a sure fire way to make a martyr of him. She was always really fair talking about his good points (his bad points were obvious, he was a violent alcoholic, although I was never at risk) so, I never resented her or idealised him.

Don't stop the contact order, it's for your DC, it's not about your relationship with your exP

PS. Don't give him the privilege of you going to court, if he doesn't care about his child he will eventually fuck off and hopefully fall off the Face of the earth. I think it will be easier to show him no fear. Easy for me to say.

I'm on my own too op. Don't get involved' ignore ignore and then ignore more. I was lucky I could send my ds out without seeing him. Can I ask if you're in a position to send your child to the door on their own? The key is being deadpan and I promise you once they've tried all their moves they eventually give up. Apologies but what a cunt! Its the only word that will do.

Very unlikely you would go to prison usually a fine or community service. Am in same position and come to the end of my tolerance levels. Good luck op and do what you feel is right

Thank you scurryfunge, oopsadaisymaisy, YourHandInMyHand and feministefatale. I am alone in this so do not have anybody to help with handovers. He pretends he is interested in our child, but he has told me that he is using these contact meetings to 'make me pay, as it is all my fault we broke up'. I am heartbroken that he can use our child in this way. I don't want him, and I don't want to endure this anymore, but I am scared of going to prison. What do judges do if you break orders?

Can you bring someone along to meetings? And or video his abuse to you?

Do you have anyone who could do handovers for you?

Is the negativity directed only towards you? How is child regarding contact with NRP?

Hi thought. Is your child safe when they are with your ex? Is there anyway you can avoid contact at drop offs? It sounds so depressing and tough. Unfortunately there's no easy answer. I now have no communication with my ex, I simply stopped playing and he had no option but to give up. It meant not responding to a single thing. They get bored and you get your sanity back. It took a long time and a big investment from me. My ds adores his dad and I had to allow contact. I still resent but accept. Not sure if its any help. Sounds like really hard work.

Can you ask for the order to be amended so you don't have to come in to direct contact with your ex?

It orders contact every other weekend. I am seriously tired of being verbally abused every other weekend. I am considering ignoring the order and stopping contact, but I do not know the consequences. I do not want to go to prison.

What does the order say?

Please can anyone give me advice on what happens if I decide to ignore the court order for child contact? Will I go to prison?