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Father stopping access "until he can have her alone"

(54 Posts)
HopAndSkip Mon 31-Dec-12 17:23:23

My DD is 5 months, my ex and i have not been together since early pregnancy, but we get on reasonably well considering (ie. he was with me for the birth, we can have conversations about general topics fine etc)

He wanted to have her overnight alone when she was a week old, which i said couldn't happen yet due to breast feeding, but i offered him to stay over/us to go to his which he wasn't interested in.
Other than this he hasn't however shown much interest in DD at all, seeing her for an hour or 2 every 2-3 weeks, cancelling multiple visits he's arranged between each visit etc. He only lives 10 minutes away.

He last visited 4 weeks ago, during which he said "I can't be bothered with this if I can't have her alone. I'll start seeing her again once I can have her around my house and get on with things at the same time." and asked what age i was going to stop breast feeding.
I said i didn't know yet, but that this wouldn't be practical as by that point they wouldn't know each other anymore and so she wouldn't be alone straight away anyway.
He got very annoyed at that and said he would just get a court order once i didn't "have the breast feeding excuse" as we have "equal rights to have her"

I was wondering what access would be given if he actually doesn't see her until i stop breast feeding?
I'm assuming they would agree that it would start out with me there, and gradually build up, but just slightly concerned that because of him having PR that they might just order her to go alone straight away?

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 14:16:12

Yes he could, couldn't he. But he hasn't, it seems, wanted to unless he can have her overnight - which is impractical at this stage and would be unadvisable straightaway if he refuses to see her between now and when the OP no longer breastfeeds.

Anyway. The OP isn't asking for arguments on what she's doing now, she's asking what might happen if her ex goes to court so I'm going to leave the thread as I don't know and other people have good advice.

ds1's dad saw him every weekend for the first few months, but wasn't very confident at looking after him. at the same time he wouldn't admit to that. things got better as ds.got older, but at that age things like dad taking him out in the buggy for naps worked well towards giving him some independence, plus it allowed him to show off his "dad" persona :cynical:

I think you have to go with your instincts for the most part, but also constantly ask yourself if you are doing your best to foster a relationship between your dd and her dad. ds is nearly 5 now, and has a great relationship with his dad, but it took a lot of work on my part to make that happen.

It's tough, sharing your small baby with a dad who you don't fully trust to take proper care, and you can't change the dad. but your dd matters most in this. if you keep that foremost in your mind I don't think you will go wrong.

BertieBotts Tue 01-Jan-13 17:34:40

I don't get all this reverence people have just because it's the DC's father. Of course fathers are important, but that's when they've been there from the beginning and have put the effort in. Parenting is a verb, not just a title.

If he hasn't been there from the beginning for whatever reason he still has to put that work in to get to know his child and build the relationship in an appropriate way which means building it up slowly so that it is reassuring for the child. It doesn't mean dictating ridiculous rules for contact or suddenly jumping in to full time when they are in effect a stranger.

Nobody would be encouraged to leave their child with someone they didn't trust to care for them properly, if it was an uncle or aunt or grandparent, I understand that difference in parenting styles needs accounting for, but I just don't believe that people are being hysterical, in the main, when they say they are worried for their DC's welfare if left with their father. Some women do have children with complete shits, it happens. Usually you're not aware of how shit they turn out to be until after the fact. Seems harsh to want to punish the mother, and in effect, the child, because she didn't happen to see into the future and predict what kind of a father the man will be.

TisILeclerc Wed 09-Jan-13 09:45:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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